THE BARRACKS — Congratulations are in order for Cpl. Jeremy Roosevelt, cited by his contemporaries for giving excellent barracks-life advice, having just passed his barracks bar exam after downing his ninth tequila shot.
Cpl. Roosevelt was encouraged to sit for the exam after his success litigating multiple barracks cases throughout the past year, including the great laundry room detergent robber, the case of the beer can tosser, and the urinator of 2022.
“He was universally nominated by the other NCOs in the barracks. He’s better than the commander’s open-door policy,” said Sgt. Ronald Sardines, the barracks manager. “I saw him turn around a UCMJ violation where a soldier facing demotion ended up with a friggin promotion.”
Many a barracks-lawyer-in-training has led their clients astray, garnering the worst possible outcomes for their clients. But not Roosevelt.
“You have to know the limits. Also, you need to know the books. Don’t tell a client to go AWOL if they’re already facing UCMJ, that’s just barracks’ common sense,” advised Roosevelt.
Cpl. Roosevelt sat for the bar exam at 2300 hours, as is barracks tradition. The test is similar to Army NCO boards, taking place within the basements of barracks. (Editor’s note: All barracks have basements. Even if they don’t appear to.)
Cpl. Roosevelt began with the ceremonial dripping of candle wax on a commander’s uniform. He was then forced to identify six loopholes in doctrine that he would advise his clients to exploit to get out of similar trouble.
Per the rules of the bar exam, Cpl. Roosevelt took a shot of tequila with each challenge he successfully completed.
The final challenge was the ceremonial prank phone call to the battalion sergeant major. If Cpl. Roosevelt couldn’t get the sergeant major to apologize to him for wasting his time, then all would be nothing.
“And then, on his ninth tequila, the son of a bitch did it!” said Sgt. Sardines. “We couldn’t believe it, but he earned it that day.”
Cpl. Roosevelt is currently practicing in a barracks near you.
Remember to always trust your barracks lawyer.
They’re there for your benefit.
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.