You Will Shoot Your Eye Out

MEMPHIS, TN — A Memphis man learned the hard way this week that not every backyard appliance is part of the city’s unofficial “take what you can carry” rewards program.

Police say 41-year-old Leonard “Lil Riblet” Barksdale allegedly hopped a privacy fence in Southeast Memphis around 2:13 AM after spotting what he reportedly described as:

“a lightly supervised gas grill.”

According to neighbors, Lil Riblet moved through the backyard “with the confidence of a man who’s never once considered consequences.”

That confidence lasted approximately four seconds.

Because waiting in the yard was Memphiszilla…

a pit bull described by witnesses as:

“Built like a refrigerator with childhood trauma.”

Authorities say the dog immediately activated what experts are now calling:

“The Find Out Phase.”

Neighbors reported hearing screaming so intense one woman thought somebody was auditioning for a gospel solo three streets over.

One resident said:

“That man hit notes that could remove wallpaper.”

Police say Lil Riblet attempted multiple escape strategies, including:

• Climbing a trampoline

• Throwing a lawn chair as a peace offering

• Yelling “BAD DOG” in a voice cracking like a middle school clarinet

• And at one point allegedly trying to negotiate:

“Bro please… I don’t even need the grill anymore.”

But Memphiszilla was reportedly unmoved.

Investigators say the suspect eventually climbed onto a patio table and called 911 HIMSELF while the dog circled below like a furry tax collector.

Dispatchers reportedly struggled to understand him because he was simultaneously crying, wheezing, and screaming:

“HE GOT MY SLIDES!”

When officers arrived, they found Lil Riblet apologizing directly to Jesus.

The homeowner later announced Memphiszilla would receive:

Two T-bone steaks

Full neighborhood hero status

Unlimited backyard patrol privileges

And possibly a commemorative plaque near the smoker

Online, Memphis residents immediately renamed the dog:

“The Grill Reaper.”

Moral of the story:

In Memphis, you might steal somebody’s grill…

…but sometimes the grill comes with teeth.