While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator from New York (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really? Well, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven . . .”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell . . .
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning,
I have spent a lot of time behind a gun counter. More so even then in front of them. I also had the distinct pleasure (horror?) of running a decently sized gun shop/indoor range through the entirety of the COVID-19 panic. This provides me with a unique insight into what the first-time handgun buyer, especially one motivated by fear, is looking for in a handgun.
Firstly, let’s talk about motivation. Based on my completely anecdotal and personal experience, most first-time handgun buyers, especially those who bought guns during the COVID pandemic, are driven by fear. And to be fair, the spring of 2020 had the feel of the beginning of a bad zombie movie. With fear and personal protection being primary factors, we will concentrate on what to look for in self-defense-oriented handguns.
First and foremost, you need a gun that will go bang every time you pull the trigger. You also need a gun that won’t go bang unless the trigger is pulled. So reliability is paramount, and good reliability is a byproduct of firearms having gone through a mature development process, produced with good attention to quality control and designed to have inherently low maintenance requirements.
While a .45 might be a classic and commonly encountered example, for many first-timers, it’s a bit much to handle, and the finish on many traditionally built guns can be maintenance-intensive.
This is a fairly daunting list, but the good news is that most every reputable modern manufacturer makes a gun that meets the above criteria. Generally, in the modern handgun environment, this means a polymer-framed, striker-fired gun chambered for a common self-defense caliber with one of the new super finishes that resist all but the harshest of climates. A royal-blue finish looks gorgeous, but having to wipe down a gun every time you look at it gets old.
Caliber discussions get a lot of ink and electrons wasted on them. I am of the opinion that, for most people (again I say opinion and most) are best served with a 9 mm-chambered handgun in a mid-sized frame. This is not ideal for every situation, but it checks most of the boxes for most situations.
I recommend mid-sized guns for beginners because they are both readily attainable and easy to shoot. It was incredibly aggravating to spend three hours with a first-time gun owner getting good, repeatable performance on the range with a Glock 19, Smith & Wesson M&P9, CZ P10C or the like, only for said customer, generally at the behest of a well-meaning boyfriend, husband or other male friend or family member, to buy a J-frame-sized, snubnose revolver built with some lightweight miracle alloy and chambered for .357 Magnum.
While it’s often recommended as an ideal self-defense arm, there are a host of reasons to avoid snubnose revolvers if you’re a first-time handgun buyer.
The humble J-frame-sized revolver has planted a lot of bad guys. They ride shepherd in boots and pockets all over the country, but they have some enormous drawbacks in relation to their small size. Sights are vestigial at best (unless you have one of the new Smith & Wesson Ultimate Carry revolvers). Trigger-pull weights range from heavy to atrocious. Capacity is limited. Finally, with a barrel length measured in fractions of inch, you’re not getting the full performance of most common loadings, especially from the .357 Magnum cartridge. To put it shortly, boot guns are not for beginners.
Now that we’ve decided upon a polymer-framed, mid-size, 9mm-chambered, striker-fired gun, let’s address the elephant hiding in the wallet: cost. Simply put, firearms are long-lasting, durable goods that are the perfect example of the “Buy once, cry once” mantra. A reputable pistol from a reputable manufacturer, in its basic stock configuration, will run you about $500 to $600. Big-box sporting goods and local gun stores will sometimes have sales that might save you $50 or so or, more importantly, have a bundle deal with extra magazines and the like.
With the first-time buyer, I will loudly and vociferously champion a new-in-box gun from a large-scale manufacturer. If it’s a foreign-made gun, be sure it’s one with a well-established stateside importer.
Glock handguns are not only ubiquitous, there are an incredible number of sources for spare parts and magazines, making them easily accessible for the average firearm owner.
It is often the case with budget-priced imports from some of the big surplus houses that any value saved on the upfront cost is often lost on the price of ancillary equipment such as magazines and spare parts. Magazines are a crucial commodity in keeping semi-auto handguns running, and they wear out. I, personally, get twitchy unless I have five magazines on hand for any gun that may be used for any real-world scenario. Spare magazines can be downright impossible to find for some of the more lower-priced import offerings, and even when you do find them, they can be pricey.
So, we’ve got our new-in-box pistol with a couple of spare magazines, some eye and ear protection and a couple boxes of ammo. Now what?
Training, of course.
I cannot overemphasize the need for a first-time pistol buyer to take a basic handgun course. The NRA First Steps course comes to mind. Most indoor ranges have a staff instructor and offer beginner courses. In the beginning, all you need is a competent, certified instructor to walk you through the basics. There’s no need to find the former SWAT ninja instructor.
Remember, the pistol sitting unloaded in your sock drawer does not magically ward off bad guys. It takes training and practice to achieve competence with a defensive handgun. Shooting is also a perishable skill, so biweekly range trip is a great way to stay sharp and have some fun.
With that, go forth and have fun with your new gun.
