Categories
All About Guns The Green Machine War

M1 Abrams — Best Job I Ever Had By Mason Berryman

The M1 Abrams was conceived with a singular, unyielding purpose: the total destruction of enemy armored formations. Over the last four decades, it has become the absolute pinnacle of tank warfare made manifest.

Its sheer battlefield dominance has not only won conflicts, but forced militaries across the globe to fundamentally rewrite their combat doctrines when it comes to both employing and defending against armored units.

M1 Abrams tank at Fort Irwin
U.S. Soldiers hold a defensive position in a M1 Abrams main battle tank at the National Training Center, Fort Irwin, California. Image: Spc. Casey Auman/U.S. Army

From spearheading the rapid collapse of the Iraqi regime in the famous “Battle of 73 Easting” to maintaining overmatch and superiority in all manner of theaters worldwide, the Abrams has spent generations striking fear into the enemies of the Free World. As a tank crewman who has served on every position of the M1 Abrams in the U.S. Army, let me be the first to tell you: that fear is well-deserved.

original M1 Abrams tank prototype at Aberdeen Proving Grounds
The original M1 Abrams prototype main battle tank on display at the U.S. Army Aberdeen Proving Grounds. Image: Don S. Montgomery, U.S. Navy/NARA

While there have been many changes since the first 105mm M1 rolled off of the assembly line, its core identity remains exactly the same. Its familiar silhouette hasn’t changed much over the decades, but that familiarity should not be mistaken for stagnation. The current iteration, the M1A2 SEPv3, proves the platform’s enduring supremacy.

Make no mistake: underneath that recognizable steel carapace lies a heavily upgraded, cutting-edge war machine that remains the pinnacle of armored technology, lethality, and protection available anywhere in the world.

Genesis & Evolution

Born from the ashes of a failed U.S./West German joint venture in the 1960’s, the United States eventually realized it needed its own independent, uncompromising design to hold the Fulda Gap against any Soviet incursions into the rest of Europe. The result of this realization was the M1 Abrams. Entering service in the 1980s with a 105mm rifled gun, it was a war machine purpose built for what is referred today as Large Scale Combat Operations (LSCO).

M1A2 SEPv3 Abrams tank
An M1A2 SEPv3 Abrams assigned to the 1st Armored Division at McGregor Range Complex, New Mexico in March 2026. Image: Sgt. David Poleski/U.S. Army

As the threat evolved, so did the Abrams. The first step of that evolution was the M1A1. This model introduced the much more powerful 120mm smoothbore cannon that is still used today. This power was demonstrated to the world firsthand during Operation Desert Storm.

M1A1 Abrams tank gunner loads ammunition during training at Fort Carson Colorado
Sgt. Zachary Wilson reloads ammunition on an M1A1 Abrams tank during qualification tables on Fort Carson, Colorado, September 29, 2025. Image: Sgt. William Rogers/U.S. Army

Riding high off of the positive waves of absolute victory from Desert Storm, the M1A1 gave birth to the M1A2, which ushered in the digital age of armored warfare. Advanced fire control networks and independent thermal sights for both the tank commander and the gunner are now staples in the armored community, but they were cutting edge and game changing at the time.

M1A2 SEPv3 firing sabot round at McGregor Range Complex New Mexico
An M1A2 SEPv3 Abrams fires a sabot-type round at the McGregor Range Complex in New Mexico. Image: Sgt. David Poleski/U.S. Army

During the Global War on Terror, the Abrams was forced to change its identity. Gone were the days of facing down enemy tank battalions.

Now was the time of counterinsurgency (COIN) and urban warfare. Upgrade kits like the Tank Urban Survival Kit (TUSK) and System Enhancement Packages (SEP) facilitated that evolution and allowed the Abrams to adjust as needed to the mission at hand.

However, times and missions have changed once again: COIN is out and LSCO is back in. The M1A2 SEPv3 showcases a definitive return to the Abrams original mission and purpose: complete domination over near-peer adversaries on the battlefield.

Upgraded with enhanced power generation, an Ammo Data Link (ADL) with programmable munitions, and reinforced armor capable of defeating modern anti-tank guided missiles, the SEPv3 ensures the Abrams remains the apex predator in the conventional battle space.

Lethality and Firepower

The first thing any apex predator is judged by is the size of its teeth, and the Abrams possesses some of the sharpest teeth in the game. The combat-proven 120mm M256 smoothbore cannon strikes fear into enemy armor commanders worldwide, and for good reason. The SEPv3 pairs that cannon with an upgraded Fire Control System (FCS) with state-of-the-art, third-generation Forward Looking Infrared (FLIR) day and night optics for both the gunner and tank commander.

This enables true “hunter-killer” capability, allowing the commander to scan for new targets while the gunner engages the current one. The tank can carry up to 43 main gun rounds: 18 in the ready rack behind a mechanized blast door, 18 in the semi ready rack, six in hull storage, and one battle-carried in the tube.

M1A2 SEPv3 Abrams tanks in Lithuania during NATO exercise
U.S. Army M1A2 SEPv3 Abrams staged prior to conducting a live fire exercise, Jan. 28, 2026, on General Silvestras Žukauskas Training Area, Pabradė, Lithuania. Image: Sgt. Asher Atkinson/DVIDS

Not every target is going to require a 120mm sized one-way-ticket to hell, so that’s where our secondary armament comes in. A 7.62mm M240 coaxial machine gun sits right next to the main gun, supported by an immense 11,400-round combat load.

The loader’s station features a skate-mounted M240, while the commander operates a .50-cal. machine gun mounted on a Low Profile Common Remotely Operated Weapon Station (CROWS-LP). The CROWS-LP is a massive upgrade for crew survivability, allowing the commander to accurately fire the machine gun using a joystick and screen from the safety of the turret interior.

Armor & Survivability

The SEPv3 features the latest generation of depleted uranium composite armor, offering unparalleled kinetic and chemical energy protection. However, the most significant survivability upgrade against modern threats is the integration of the Trophy Active Protective System, more commonly referred to as the “trophy system”.

M1 Abrams on maneuver at Fort Knox Kentucky 1980s
M1 Abrams main battle tanks seen here on maneuvers at Fort Knox, Kentucky during the 1980’s. Image: NARA

The trophy system utilizes radar arrays mounted to the exterior of the tank to detect incoming Anti-Tank Guided Missiles (ATGMs) and rocket-propelled grenades, automatically launching a counter-measure to intercept and destroy the projectile before it impacts the vehicle.

Communications

While the internal networking isn’t the most glamorous aspect of the tank, it is absolutely critical for modern maneuver warfare. The SEPv3 completely overhauls the tank’s digital architecture. It builds upon the situational awareness provided by Joint Battle Command-Platform (JBC-P), allowing the crew to track friendly and enemy forces in real-time on digital maps.

prepositioned M1 Abrams tank activated during Reforger 84 in West Germany 2d Armored Division
In West Germany, a prepositioned M1 Abrams main battle tank is guided out of a warehouse by a member of the 1st Tiger Brigade, 2nd Armored Division during Reforger ’84. Image: NARA

The physical integration of these systems is streamlined through Remote Switching Modules (RSMs), which efficiently distribute power and data across the platform, eliminating the need to completely gut and rewire the tank for future upgrades.

Mobility and Power Generation

The SEPv3 is propelled by the iconic Honeywell AGT1500 gas turbine engine.

Delivering 1,500 horsepower, it can push the tank to a listed top speed of 42mph on paved roads (however I can neither confirm nor deny having gotten one to over 60mph going down a massive hill at Fort Benning as a Private). Keep in mind, this vehicle weighs more than 70 tons.

M1A2 Abrams tank during exercise in Poland 2026
U.S. Army M1A2 Abrams tank advances during a platoon level situational training exercise at Bemowo Piskie Training Area, Poland, Jan. 22, 2026. Image: Sgt. Eric Allen/DVIDS

To support the massive electrical draw of these new systems, optics and networking devices without constantly running the turbine engine, the SEPv3 comes with a factory installed Auxiliary Power Unit (APU). Older model tanks had after-the-fact APUs mounted in the exterior bustle racks of the turret, but this took up valuable storage space and left it vulnerable to enemy fire. This new APU is co-located with the turbine engine in the hull of the tank, giving it valuable armored protection. The APU allows the crew to run all electronic systems in a silent watch mode while preserving main engine fuel and minimizing the tank’s thermal and acoustic signatures.

Peer Comparison

When stack ranking the SEPv3 against the rest of the world, the dividing line ultimately comes down to doctrine. Eastern designs tend to favor a smaller silhouette and lower weight, while Western designs prioritize crew survivability and sustained fighting capability.

The Adversaries

Russia’s T-90 and China’s Type 99A share a fundamental difference in combat philosophy from the Abrams. Both utilize a 125mm main gun fed by an autoloader, reducing the crew to three men. This allows for a lower profile and lighter weight (50 tons to the Abrams’ 70), but it makes these changes in exchange for the acceptance of a few fatal flaws.

M1 Abrams tank moves into position at National Training Center Fort Irwin
An M1 Abrams moves into a fighting position during Decisive Action Rotation 22-06 at the National Training Center, Fort Irwin, Calif., April 8, 2022. Image: Spc. Kyle Goines/U.S. Army

The Russian reliance on the carousel autoloader stores ammunition directly in the crew compartment. Once a penetrating hit detonates that ammunition, the crew and tank are instantly destroyed, typically with the turret being cast into the air like a toddler throwing a toy. This is referred to as the “Turret Toss Olympics” in the armor community.

US Army M1 Abrams moves through German countryside in Reforger 82
A U.S. Army M1 Abrams tanks kicks up a cloud of dust in the German countryside while participating in Reforger ’82. Image: NARA

The Abrams’ manual loader, combined with the isolated ammo compartment, mechanized pneumatic blast door and blowout panels, ensures that a similar hit usually leaves the crew alive. Furthermore, the lack of a fourth crew member in the T-90 and Type 99 degrades the crew’s ability to execute tasks like track maintenance, pull security, or manage fatigue during continuous operations.

The Allies

NATO allies’ design philosophy and doctrine tend to align closely with the United States and the Abrams, featuring heavily armored treaded dreadnoughts with four-man crews.

M1 Abrams tank in training exercise Fort Lewis Washington 1996
A M1 Abrams Tank from the 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, Washington, on maneuvers at the Joint Readiness Training Center. Image: NARA

Germany’s Leopard 2A7V is the closest thing the Abrams has to a cousin. The M1’s 120mm cannon is a derivative of the same Rheinmetall gun used in the Leopard 2. The primary divergence between the two vehicles is their means of propulsion. The Leo uses a diesel powerpack rather than a gas turbine. The diesel is more fuel-efficient, but lacks the immediate, drag-strip torque and multi-fuel flexibility of the Abrams AGT1500 turbine.

The UK’s Challenger 2 is renowned for its focus on crew protection and survivability, which is shown in its development and implementation of their highly classified Dorchester armor. The Challenger 2 uses a 120mm rifled gun, but the Challenger 3 will be switching to a 120mm smoothbore cannon, just like the Leopard and the Abrams. This aligns their lethality doctrine directly with that of the USA and Germany, standardizing ammunition logistics across allied armor formations.

The Operator’s Perspective

Allow me to be crystal clear: while being a part of the Abram’s crew is the best job I ever had, it is by no means a walk in the park. It is brutally physically and mentally demanding. You are living, eating, and sleeping out of a mechanized steel coffin, manhandling 120mm tank rounds the size of an adult human leg that weigh 50 pounds each. The sheer kinetic toll of maintaining a 73-ton war wagon and its weapons is intensive to say the least.

M1 Abrams tank maintenance
U.S. Army Spc. Colin Palacios, an M1 Abrams driver, performs maintenance on his tank during the Iron Spear Tank Competition in Adazi, Latvia, on Nov. 17, 2025. Image: Pfc. Gabriel Martinez/DVIDS

The technology inside the SEPv3 is incredible, but it doesn’t make the work effortless. In fact, it just changes the nature of the difficulty. For the Tank Commander, the main challenge is command and control. He must process a massive influx of digital data from his JBC-P and radios while directing his tank and his crew.

USMC M1A2 Abrams tank with M1 mine clearing blade system Iraqi Freedom 2003
On the side of the highway near Az Zubayr, Iraq, a U.S. Marine Corps (U.S.M.C.) M1A2 Abrams tank is equipped with an M1 Mine Clearing Blade System. Image: NARA

The Gunner has to manage the advanced Fire Control Systems, toggle optics, laser targets and conduct fire commands under extreme pressure. The Loader does more than just slam rounds into the breech. They are the ultimate multitaskers who have to balance loading the gun/coax, managing the radios, manning his M240 and assisting the TC/gunner in target acquisition.

M1 Abrams tanks in NATO Exercise Display Determination 87 Turkey
M1 Abrams main battle tanks from the 24th Infantry Division (Mechanized) participate in NATO Exercise Display Determination ’87 in Turkey. Image: NARA

The Driver has to execute tactical maneuvers in a massive treaded vehicle from a reclined position with an incredibly limited field of view. This requires constant vigilance to avoid accidents, such as throwing a track or burying the tank in soft terrain.

M1 Abrams tanks move through West German forest during REFORGER 85
U.S. Army M1 Abrams main battle tanks move along a dirt road in West Germany during Exercise Reforger ’85. Image: NARA

Furthermore, the Army’s doctrinal shift from counterinsurgency back to Large Scale Combat Operations has been a hard transition for some. Retraining the muscle memory from urban patrols and route clearance to fast-paced, peer-on-peer armored maneuver warfare is a massive undertaking.

Conclusion

But at the end of the day, when the line-of-departure is crossed, the exhaustion fades away. The SEPv3 and its weapons are the absolute best in the world, and they are crewed by the best army in the world.

M1A2 Abrams with crew at Novo Selo Training Area Bulgaria 2025
An M1A2 Abrams crew prepares for gunnery training at Novo Selo Training Area, Bulgaria on September 27, 2025. Image: Maj. Brian Sutherland/DVIDS

The Abrams stands as the ultimate refinement of a legendary machine. It is a 73-ton masterclass in firepower, protection, and maneuver warfare. That being said, no platform can defy the limits of physics forever.

Recognizing the unsustainable weight of constant bolt-on upgrades, the Army has pivoted toward the M1E3. Drawing inspiration from the recent AbramsX tech demo, this generation will shed tons in weight, embracing a hybrid-electric drive, unmanned turret, and built-in active protection to counter the drone and missile-saturated battlefields of the future.

Tomorrow will get here eventually, but until it does, we have today thoroughly taken care of. If a nation needs to shatter enemy lines and dominate the ground domain, the M1A2 SEPv3 is the undisputed best tool for the job. It is the sharpest tip of the longest spear, ensuring the nations who use it and the tankers who crew it will continue to dictate the terms of armored warfare for years to come.

Categories
All About Guns The Green Machine This great Nation & Its People War

Bizarre Things No One Told You About The Korean War

Categories
Gear & Stuff The Green Machine

The Army’s Cavalry Hat

Categories
The Green Machine

Does Rain at West Point Predict America’s Next War?

Categories
The Green Machine

“The Caisson Song” – American Field Artillery March

Categories
All About Guns The Green Machine This great Nation & Its People War

Taking the Pig for a Walk: History of the M60 By Will Dabbs, MD

I was six feet tall and 163 lbs. without a gram of extraneous body fat. Though I didn’t enjoy it, I did a weekly 10k run with my mates in boots with a rucksack and M16. I was in the best physical condition of my life and believed myself to be both bulletproof and immortal. Then I met the Pig.

A proper 15-mile forced march was about the hardest thing I have ever done. On this particularly fateful day, I don’t recall whose dog I had inadvertently kicked to deserve what happened to me. This was, however, the day I got tagged to lug the Pig.

African American army soldier firing M60 in Viet Nam War near Cu Chi
Near the Cu Chi tunnels in Vietnam, this U.S. Army soldier fires the M60 machine gun from a crouch. Image: Tom Laemlein

The “Pig” was the M60 belt-fed General Purpose Machine Gun (GPMG). Back in my day, we used M60’s as SAWs (Squad Automatic Weapons). Nowadays, our 5.56mm SAWs are relatively lightweight, portable and mean. By contrast, the Pig weighed 23 lbs. empty and fired a 7.62x51mm round the size of my little finger. The Pig would cut through walls, chew through ceilings, ventilate cars and reach out to truly serious ranges. It was, however, indeed still a pig. At the end of that horrible road march, I thought I’d died.

Origin Story

The M60 GPMG wanted so badly to be awesome. Rising from the ashes of World War II, the M60 reflected the U.S. Army’s effort at developing a truly state-of-the-art light machine gun. We fought the Second World War with the Browning M1919A4. This beast ran like the Energizer bunny, but it weighed 31 lbs. and was a veritable mass of sharp corners. The M1919A4 was also designed to be fired off of a separate M2 tripod, an awkward piece of kit that itself weighed another 16 pounds. The subsequent M1919A6 tried to morph the gun into something more portable, but it was yet a pound heavier. We could do better.

U.S. Marine fires the M60 machine gun from the shoulder in Vietnam
In 1967, this U.S. Marine fires the M60 machine gun from the shoulder while deployed to Vietnam. Image: Tom Laemlein

The M60 began life as the experimental T44. In what has got to be the coolest job in the history of jobs, American firearms engineers took the belt-fed mechanism from a captured German MG42 and grafted it onto the action of an FG42 paratroop rifle. The resulting frankengun served as the basis for the M60 action.

The M60 orbited around a stamped steel receiver for both economy and weight management. The Germans had shown the world with their MG42 that you could indeed stamp out a GPMG that was rugged enough to thrive on the modern battlefield. Though M60 receivers were ultimately found to stretch a bit, this part of the design performed fairly well.

U.S. Army Air Cav with M60 in helicopter
During the Vietnam War, the M60 was used by ground forces, on the waterways and in the air. It proved effective in all locations. Image: Tom Laemlein

The M60 featured a gas piston-driven action that fed ammunition in M13 disintegrating links solely from the left. The gun fired from the open bolt and was exceptionally simple to operate. Lock the bolt to the rear, put the gun on safe, open the top cover, and place the ammunition belt in the feedway link side up or “brass to the grass.” Close the top cover, point the gun at something you dislike, flick the safety off, and squeeze. Repeat as necessary. As seems always to be the case, however, the devil was in the details.

The M60 was an air-cooled design intended for sustained fire applications. Running lots of belt-fed rounds through a machinegun creates astronomical amounts of extraneous heat. Getting rid of all that thermal energy is the Achilles heel of any sustained fire weapon system. The generally accepted solution on a gun like the M60 is a quick change barrel system.

USMC M60 being used by solders in the DMZ between North and South Vietnam in May of 1967
U.S. Marines engage the communist invaders near the DMZ between North and South Vietnam in May of 1967. Image: Tom Laemlein

You can cut spirals or flutes into a barrel to increase its surface area and subsequently its capacity to dissipate heat. However, if you want this thing to shoot for a while you need mass. Making your barrels heavy is one of the reasons the Pig and I got along so poorly that torrid afternoon at Fort Benning. Certain aspects of the M60’s design were just fatally flawed.

M60 in combat during battle in Vietnam
A soldier with the 173rd Airborne Brigade holds a position with his M60 on Hill 875, Vietnam. Image: Tom Laemlein

The bipod on the M60 was located at the far end of the gun. This location optimized stability and control. However, in the case of the Pig, this meant that every spare barrel had its own dedicated bipod. For the sorts of guys who might break the handles off of their toothbrushes to help conserve weight on a long patrol, any extraneous mass was the unforgiveable sin.

Additionally, certain components of the M60 gas system had an annoying tendency to come apart at high round counts. As a result, the gas cylinders on our guns were always held together with safety wire. In practice that was not a particularly onerous problem, but it didn’t inspire confidence.

Swapping barrels on the Pig was indeed fast and intuitive. Lock the bolt back, throw the barrel release lever, snatch out the barrel using the handy but heavy carrying handle, and lock a fresh tube in place. Easy peasy.

Variations

The M60 was intended from the outset to be everything for everybody. Uncle Sam wanted one gun that could serve in a variety of roles. In the final analysis, there were only three versions that saw widespread service back in my day.

USAF airman firing M60
An Air Force team member fires a 7.62mm M-60 machine gun during Peacekeeper Challenge, an annual competition. Image: Tom Laemlein

The standard ground gun featured a rubber-coated steel handguard and buttstock with a folding shoulder rest. This weapon served in most conventional roles to include vehicle mounts. In Vietnam, particularly early in the war, helicopter door gunners frequently hung a standard M60 from a bungee cord and used it for suppressive fire. Innovative gunners sometimes chopped the barrels short or affixed a spare pistol grip to the forearm with pipe clamps. It was a common practice to wire a C-ration can to the left aspect of the feed tray to enhance feeding.

M60 components in 1962 Springfield Armory diagram
This Springfield Armory image shows the M60 broken down into its major components. Image: SANHS

The M60C was used in fixed mounts aboard helicopter gunships, most typically in dual fixtures on each side of the aircraft. The C-model was hydraulically charged and electrically fired via solenoid. The C-model guns used the same basic chassis as the ground guns. However, their barrels lacked bipods, front sights, and carrying handles.

The M60D was the standardized pintle-mounted aerial version of the weapon. The D-model dispensed with the forearm and included a spade grip with twin ring triggers in lieu of the buttstock assembly. The M60D included a folding ring sight as well. The barrels on our D-models still carried their own bipods so you could use the gun on the ground in a crisis.

Reliability

I did not have a homogeneously positive experience with the M60. Most of the guns I was issued seemed fairly finicky. We trained to fire five to eight-round bursts and remain ever mindful of barrel heat. I recall having to fiddle with the guns more than I should have to keep them running, particularly in an austere environment.

Man testing M60 in 1959
Here the M60 is being put through a series of tests in 1959. Image: Tom Laemlein

I was once signed for twenty-four D-model M60s to be used as door guns on my tactical aircraft. Despite being spotlessly maintained and perfectly lubricated there never seemed to be more than about six that really ran well. Failures in training tended to diminish confidence in the weapons. Given that the mission was to provide suppressive fire going into and out of hostile landing zones that always seemed a wee bit disturbing.

Practical Tactical

When the Pig ran, it ran well. The sedate 550-rpm rate of fire encouraged ammunition efficiency, and the heavy .30-caliber chambering carried plenty of downrange thump. Running the gun was both fun and exhilarating. Humping it, however, particularly for a skinny guy like me, not so much.

U.S. Navy SEAL firing M60 machine gun
A U.S. Navy SEAL team member fires an M60 lightweight machine gun from the shoulder during a field training exercise. Image: Tom Laemlein

Running a belt-fed machinegun out of a moving helicopter is an incomparable rush. It also embodies a fair amount of unexpected physics. When the aircraft is in forward flight and the guns fired out the sides each screaming bullet becomes its own little flying machine.

The 22” barrel on the M60 is rifled one turn in twelve inches. The bullet leaves the gun’s barrel at around 2,800 fps. That means it has a rotational velocity of 2,800 revolutions per second or about 168,000 rpm. The bullet turns clockwise as viewed from the firer. When fired in forward flight out the right side of the aircraft the airflow across the bullet creates a low pressure area on the top that actually draws the projectile upward. Smarter folks than I call this the Magnus Effect. On the left side of the aircraft this low pressure area is formed underneath the bullet and pulls it down.

The end result is that to hit a target on the right the gunner aims intentionally beneath it and lets the bullets fly up to impact. The opposite is true on the left with the bullets plunging precipitously toward the ground. The practical effect when doing this for real firing tracers is frankly surreal.

Denouement

The M60 will forever be associated with Sylvester Stallone and John Rambo. The 1982 action movie First Blood established its own film genre. A fun fact is that Stallone co-wrote the screenplays for First Blood as well as the next four sequels.

U.S. Navy sailors firing the M60 machine gun during ship exercises
A U.S. Navy Sailor fires an M60 7.62 mm Machine Gun during a weapons familiarization on the fantail of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Image: Tom Laemlein

In the first film, Stallone’s put-upon Vietnam-era Special Forces veteran character eventually takes up an M60 and uses it to shoot the bejeebers out of the small town of Hope, Washington. Along the way, Rambo even runs his M60 one-handed, albeit on a sling. Just punch “First Blood M60” into YouTube if you haven’t seen the juicy bits. However, should this be the case I sure wouldn’t admit that to any of your guy friends.

For the most part, the M60 has been supplanted in U.S. military service by the M240-series of belt-fed guns. Upgraded versions like the M60E6 still soldier on in certain select units, however. Despite its warts, the Pig yet remains one of the coolest looking automatic weapons ever contrived.

Categories
The Green Machine You have to be kidding, right!?!

The Gay Bomb by Will Dabbs, MD

Our great nation has seen some of the most extraordinary transformations of late. Today’s world bears little similarity to the one in which I came of age. In no place is this on more stark display than in our current obsession with gender nonconformity.

Obligatory disclaimer—legit and no kidding, I don’t care who you sleep with. You be you. I’m just sick of everyone incessantly prattling on about it.

In eons past, people were judged based upon what they accomplished. Produce some lovely art, topple a draconian government, save a bunch of kids from a house fire, or make cool movies, and society rightly venerated you as awesome. Somehow along the way, who or what you were snogging also got a vote.

Wandering about in public without clothes was considered a bad thing for, like, a zillion years right up until it wasn’t. Somewhere along the line, women parading about mostly naked became empowering, whatever that actually means. Nowadays you could likely shag roadkill, and Hollywood would be OK with it.

A Brave New World

All this overt gender-bending is a fairly recent development. Professional social justice warrior Barack Hussein Obama actually spoke out against gay marriage as recently as 2008. Apparently, he then had some sort of grand enlightenment that took him to a better, more tolerant place.

Back in 1994, the mad geniuses at the United States Air Force Research Laboratory were similarly narrow-minded. They spent $7.5 million over the course of six years developing a non-lethal weapon to make men think other men were hot. Respectable historians refer to this thing as the Gay Bomb.

Harnessing the Power of Science

Tragically, there had previously been no reliable scientific studies published on whether or not aerosolized pheromones might expeditiously make straight men gay. Axe body spray claims that a surreptitious squirt will make even skinny, ugly guys irresistible to the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. However, as a card-carrying skinny, ugly guy myself, I’m not completely sure that’s true.

A Swedish study imaged the brains of straight and gay men and then documented the empirical changes that occurred in response to certain distinctive odors.

It was found that homosexual men responded to smells in much the same way as did heterosexual women. Based upon the Swedes’ important groundbreaking work, the Wing Nuts at the USAF Wright Laboratory in Dayton got busy trying to make dudes dig other dudes.

The overarching goal was to produce an aerosol that would serve as a powerful aphrodisiac while simultaneously fomenting homosexual behavior. Perfect world, a quick spritz would cause enemy troops to become physically irresistible to each other.

Keep in mind, this was not Mengele and Co. back in 1943 at Auschwitz-Birkenau. Americans in lab coats were doing this while “Forrest Gump,” “True Lies,” “The Lion King,” and “Pulp Fiction” were still playing in the Cineplex.

Drilling Down

The report titled, “Harassing, Annoying and ‘Bad Guy’ Identifying Chemicals” stated, “Chemicals that effect (sic) human behavior so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely effected (sic). One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior.”

I suppose spell check wasn’t a thing back in 1994. Anyway, it was hoped that enemy soldiers might become so inflamed with lust for one another that they would lose interest in their military mission. It was an honorable goal, to be sure.

But There’s More …

The Gay Bomb was but a small portion of this most noble enterprise. These rocket surgeons researched spray-on chemicals that might induce fearsome bad breath, imbue folks with intolerable body odor, or precipitate explosive flatulence. They experimented with stuff to attract annoying or dangerous creatures to enemy positions and aerosols that stank so bad that they could be applied to enemy equipment and render it thusly unusable.

One of these wunderwaffe purported to make enemy troops averse to sunlight. Who knew that all you needed to become a vampire was a proper dose of special Air Force spray? They even dabbled in indelible paint that would cover enemy troops in garish colors. When combined with Gay Spray, that would transform any enemy fighting position into an instant Pride Parade.

I can only imagine what the clinical trials must have been like. At the end of the day, I’m just glad they didn’t let it get into the local water supply. Otherwise we might have become a nation of flamboyant, horny, gay, flatulent vampires. On second thought, maybe it did get into the water. That would actually explain quite a lot.

Categories
Leadership of the highest kind Manly Stuff One Hell of a Good Fight Soldiering The Green Machine This great Nation & Its People War

George S. Patton: American Achilles | Historical Documentary | Lucasfilm

Categories
A Victory! The Green Machine This great Nation & Its People War

Doughboy’: Bridging the past to the present

Categories
The Green Machine You have to be kidding, right!?!

The U.S. Military Just Cancelled Walking