By W.E. Linde
AMERICA — With Memorial Day right around the corner, many Americans are planning to both reflect upon the sacrifices made by those who have died while serving in the U.S. military, and to have a fun 3-day weekend. If you’re one of these, then rest assured there is a small but vocal group of people who would like to remind you that you are an inconsiderate piece of crap.
Memorial Day, after all, is a solemn occasion, as any number of social media posts stating that it’s not “Barbeque Remembrance Day” will remind you. And although the holiday is the unofficial start of summer, with all sorts of awesome, fun things happening on that weekend, if you so much as smile in a photo posted on Facebook and mention the words “Memorial Day,” you may open yourself up to stern correction. If you’re lucky, this could be as simple as a passive-aggressive comment (“Looks like you’re having fun, but I spent the day cleaning veteran headstones with my grandfather’s toothbrush he used during WWII”).
Or if you really screw up and say something like “Have a happy Memorial Day,” then you may very well unleash a dreaded video rant from your veteran buddy as he sits in his Ford 350 Super Duty pickup truck, wherein he opines just how nobody respects America anymore.
But no worries! Duffel Blog is here to help you honor the fallen and have a great time with your friends and family, with this guide of tips to pretend you’re not having fun.
Helpful Dos and Don’ts
- Do only drink shitty beer. When someone asks you if you want, say, a Guinness, reply that Valhalla doesn’t serve Guinness and walk thoughtfully away.
- Do make sure that when a conversation even peripherally touches on military service, adamantly tell people that you’re not a hero and the real heroes aren’t with us anymore, despite no one calling you a hero in the first place.
- Do sandwich every photo you want to post online where you look even remotely amused in between photos of Arlington National Cemetery and memes about libtards dishonoring our honored dead.
Additionally, if you must smile, make sure you’re with another veteran. That way you can say you were reminiscing about Baghdad or something. If you’re at a barbeque and the subject of popular music comes up, say that the only thing you’ll listen to that weekend is Taps and God Bless the USA.
- Don’t go to a water park. But if you must go, insist that no one bring a camera. There is no way in hell to look like you’re appreciating those who made the ultimate sacrifice while you’re rushing headlong down a water slide. What happens in Typhoon Bay stays in Typhoon Bay.
- Don’t forget to share the meme that distinguishes between Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day. Not the respectful one that seeks to educate, but the one that tries to make anyone who even thought of thanking a veteran for her or his service on the last Monday of May feel like they just sold the nuclear codes to Vladimir Putin. When your social media contacts see that, they’ll be convinced that there is no joy in your heart.
Make sure you have a “go-to” mental image in case things get way too fun around you. It’s hard to laugh and generally disrespect the fallen when you’re imagining, say, a pile of dead puppies. It works for Kanye West and Amber Heard; it’ll work for you.
And above all, have a great holiday weeke… Shit.
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Twitter @welinde. Danger Close and Jake Slager contributed to this report.