Category: Well I thought it was funny!
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| PYONGYANG, North Korea – The North Korean Central News Agency announced a new program by President Kim Jong Un intended to kill anyone who intends to kill themselves. The program comes on the heels of a report by Radio Free Asia on rising suicide rates in North Korea.
In a statement filmed at the historic Mt. Paektu, Kim addressed his people directly after arriving on screen riding a white unicorn. “Suicides grieve me as your Supreme Leader. They are acts of treason against socialism and just plain mean. We are the happiest nation in the world, right behind China. To keep that status we need people who are alive because only I have the ability to know if someone is still happy after they’re dead.” The Central News Agency stated Kim’s view that citizens considering suicide require reeducation on socialist principles and “the joy of living in the world’s strongest economy with the most healthy diet, fighting American war maniacs and their vassals day after day, year after year, decade after decade.” |
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| The new program will “temporarily relocate” anyone contemplating suicide to a reeducation camp until they demonstrate a proper dedication to anti-capitalist theory, or “until they die an honorable death from starvation, exposure or torture. Whichever comes first,” said the Central News report. | ||
| “In this way, our Supreme Leader shows that he is so dedicated to his people that he grants their deepest wishes. If they want to die, he helps them,” the Central News Agency said. | ||
| According to sources at high levels of the North Korean government, Kim privately suggested that depressed people should emulate him and simply find comfort through dedication to fighting the US or by extra helpings of champagne and caviar. Kim also remarked to his close circle, “Look, if suicide was an appropriate option for tough family issues, I would have recommended it for my sister a long time ago.”
Known for his fascination with filmmaking, Kim has commissioned a new spy thriller that reinforces his message titled “You only die twice.” He also launched the new slogan, “Live until you die Kim’s way!” for billboards throughout North Korea. One unique program aspect is that Kim is copying the US Veterans Administration by establishing a “hotline” to help citizens with suicidal intent. By keeping suicidal patrons on hold for extended periods, the hotline will keep them alive longer. Like the US VA hotline, it will serve as a central resource where people can theoretically call for assistance and probably still die anyhow. |
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| Gray Sea Liu contributed to this uplifting story. | ||
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| Bull Winkle is also a certified phrenologist and is available to solve world crises or make your next wedding, birthday or corporate event super fun. |
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What, are you nuts? There’s no way that could happen. “No, its true,” the first man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, why not.” the second guy says, “It works. I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real mean asshole when you’re drunk”.
A Red Cross Worker In Afghanistan Looks Up Stats On ESPN.com
CAMP PENDLETON, CA – Members of the American Red Cross held a press conference last week with the 1st Marine Division to proudly announce that Red Cross emergency messages would now carry both ‘Dear John letters’ and sports scores.
“For the longest time people have only associated Red Cross emergency messages with things like the death, severe illness of a family member, or birth of a child,” said William Gossett, regional manager for the Red Cross’ western district.
“But now we can also inform you that your favorite football team just won the big game, or that your wife is leaving you due to your sexual inadequacy.”
According to Gossett, multiple surveys over the past two years showed the majority of deployed servicemen and women were overwhelmingly in favor of adding both.
Message-traffic has increased ten-fold in the days since the policy change, going from 68 messages a day to over 700.
Reactions by deployed personnel have varied.
“Yeah, it’s totally cool,” said Corporal Chris Dirksen. “We were in the middle of a firefight when this Osprey came in low over the battlefield and said: ‘CORPORAL DIRKSEN! THE NATIONALS HAVE BEAT THE CARDINALS 7-4!’ I was so stoked I actually high-fived the Taliban I was slicing open with a bayonet!”
Sergeant Shaniqua Johnson, with Explosive Ordnance Disposal, had a different story.
“I was right in the middle of placing a charge on this 400 pound command-wire IED when my Battalion Sergeant Major comes rolling up in a truck yelling, ‘Sergeant Johnson! Gary says it’s over! Keep the kids! He doesn’t care!'”
“I suppose it wouldn’t have been that bad if my Staff Sergeant hadn’t immediately asked if that meant I was single now.”
Although the Red Cross’ actions have been highly applauded by the service chiefs as “waking up to the reality of deployment,” the move may very well bankrupt the Red Cross organization over time.
Red Cross officials have privately spoke about being overwhelmed by the influx of requests. Three of their dedicated servers have shut down due to the massive increase in traffic and dozens of employees have quit for stress-related reasons.
The Red Cross has already begun revamping the entire program.
One official, speaking off the record, said “the Red Cross messages used to be relatively costless for us, as the only expenses needed were the manpower to make the phone call or send the email. But if this keeps up we may be broke in as little as four months.”
Duffel Blog investigative journalist Fernando also contributed to this report.