KILLEEN, Texas — Sources confirmed that earlier this afternoon while sitting outside of a dressing room in a mall boutique, decorated soldier Samuel Williams was publicly dressed down by his twenty-four year old wife.
Williams, a Staff Sergeant who once killed a man with his bare hands, is an Airborne Ranger that has spent five of the past seven years in Iraq or Afghanistan. His wife, Jennifer Williams, works at the post commissary and is planning to go back to school to be a radiation therapy tech “or something like that.”
According to reports, after taking his wife out to “a nice lunch to spend some time together before his next deployment,” the couple went to the mall to pick up a few things for the baby they recently learned was on the way.
Shortly after arrival, Mrs. Williams spotted a cute little black dress in a window storefront and tugged at her husband’s arm with a wide grin in an effort to pull him into the store. After hesitating, Williams relented and followed his wife inside, where he then passed the time on a little bench by reading the latest edition of Cosmopolitan and silently recounting the many horrors which he had personally lived through.
“Hey, babe? Can you go out there and get me this in a size three?,” Jenny Williams said as she tossed a dress over the dressing room door. “Hey?! You there? Jesus, Sammy. Go get me a size three already!” she added from within the dressing area with a stomped foot.
Williams, the top graduate of his class in Ranger school, dutifully stood up and meandered over to the dressing room. He took the discarded dress. Head down and lip out, he shuffled aimlessly throughout the store in search of a cute little striped number in a size three – all the while carrying his wife’s purse. Before reaching the dress rack, a dull thud could be heard as his testicles fell out of the purse he was carrying. With a defeated sigh, he leaned over, picked them up, blew off the dust, and stuffed them back into the handbag.
Williams confusedly stared at the dress rack for a long moment in an effort to avoid the judgmental eyes of the shop’s other patrons. Ultimately, he returned with a size five, knocked on the dressing room door, and placed the dress in the dainty hand which appeared.
After a moment of silence, a howl emanated from the dressing room occupied by Mrs. Williams. The door swung open, and the petite woman stomped over to her husband — a man who once dropped three Iraqi insurgents at approximately 1,100 yards — sat dumbly and stared at her.
“I asked you for a size three! You think I’m so fat I need a five?” she demanded with her hands on her hips. “Either you think I’m fat or you’re just stupid!” she added.
Silver Star recipient and “hardcore, airborne motherfucker,” Williams opened his mouth to say something, but only one sound emerged.
“Urmmmm,” he said.
This response infuriated Mrs. Williams. Her eyes went wide, and she threw the dress at the Ranger before screaming into his face.
“You aren’t even paying attention to me! This is supposed to be our special day! I’m not fat! You don’t know what I have to do all day, sitting at home cooking all the meals and taking care of our children. I swear, all you are good for is waking me up at three in the damn morning by screaming and hollering in your sleep! You’re useless.”
Mrs. Williams then stormed out of the dressing area, through the boutique, and into the mall. Williams sighed gently to himself and stared at the floor. After a moment, he pushed himself up, which was made difficult by the ragged shrapnel embedded in his right kneecap. He quickly jogged after his wife.
During a hushed conversation in the mall’s food court, Williams apologized to his wife as she ate a slice of pizza from a paper plate.
“This pizza is so disgusting,” complained his wife. Upon hearing this, Williams’ mind wandered to the time he had to eat his dead battle buddy after being stranded behind enemy lines in Kosovo back in ’99.
After their snack, Williams hugged his wife, promised to pay more attention to her, and the couple returned to the boutique where they purchased the size three.
A guy walks into a crowded bar waving a pistol and yells” This is a Colt .45 caliber 1911 with a seven-round magazine and one chambered, and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”*
