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Duffel Blog obtains top secret Russian military files
Russia’s military is apparently as leaky as SCOTUS
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By Task Force Football Bat
Duffel Blog’s team of investigative journalists has obtained a trove of sensitive Russian military documents that contain everything from Russian battle plans to LOL emojis shared between now-deceased generals. These documents shed light on inside conversations at the highest levels of leadership in the country’s military over the course of the past few months.
Our team of translators has analyzed what appears to be the Russian military’s detailed pre-invasion battle plan — briefed to President Putin as he clung for life to a table. Both the original and our translation are below.
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Our team also obtained more granular orders, apparently issued at the outset of the country’s latest incursion into a sovereign neighbor. One such order, translated below, gives insight into the Russians’ tactical prowess, which the world has feared for decades.
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Of course, these early plans did not materialize as successfully as Putin and his team of generals had envisioned. Leaked text messages from a few days into the full-scale invasion begin to tell the tale, while also giving an idea of the deep empathy Russian officers have for the troops they lead.
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Messages from the same chat roughly six weeks later give a sense of how the conflict has evolved.
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With the conflict persisting longer than hoped, Putin and his team are turning to the country’s robust information operations capability, looking to highlight what they see as key threats in Ukraine to both justify their actions and call on the West to halt its support of the Ukrainians as they defend themselves.
An undated press release cuts to the chase in classic Russian fashion.
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Duffel Blog is continuing to analyze and giggle at the large number of documents obtained.
Duffel Blog obtains top secret Russian military files
Russia’s military is apparently as leaky as SCOTUS
|
By Task Force Football Bat
Duffel Blog’s team of investigative journalists has obtained a trove of sensitive Russian military documents that contain everything from Russian battle plans to LOL emojis shared between now-deceased generals. These documents shed light on inside conversations at the highest levels of leadership in the country’s military over the course of the past few months.
Our team of translators has analyzed what appears to be the Russian military’s detailed pre-invasion battle plan — briefed to President Putin as he clung for life to a table. Both the original and our translation are below.
|
Our team also obtained more granular orders, apparently issued at the outset of the country’s latest incursion into a sovereign neighbor. One such order, translated below, gives insight into the Russians’ tactical prowess, which the world has feared for decades.
|
Of course, these early plans did not materialize as successfully as Putin and his team of generals had envisioned. Leaked text messages from a few days into the full-scale invasion begin to tell the tale, while also giving an idea of the deep empathy Russian officers have for the troops they lead.
|
Messages from the same chat roughly six weeks later give a sense of how the conflict has evolved.
|
With the conflict persisting longer than hoped, Putin and his team are turning to the country’s robust information operations capability, looking to highlight what they see as key threats in Ukraine to both justify their actions and call on the West to halt its support of the Ukrainians as they defend themselves.
An undated press release cuts to the chase in classic Russian fashion.
|
Duffel Blog is continuing to analyze and giggle at the large number of documents obtained.
 |
By W.E. Linde
MOSCOW — In a surprise announcement today, Russia confirmed that the Ukrainian military had taken out a significant number of its generals in battle and promised that if Ukraine kills one more, the next high-ranking officer will be eliminated “entirely free.”
The announcement was made by Adm. Igor Olegovich Kostyukov, head of the Russian General Staff’s Main Intelligence Department (GRU). In a sternly-worded statement aimed primarily at Russian forces that have largely stalled in their invasion of Ukraine, Kostyukov said that what they needed in the face of fierce resistance was a little “aggressive encouragement.”
“To that end,” said Kostyukov, “we promise that if Ukraine successfully kills 12 generals, we’ll give them one more, on the house.”
News of the so-called “Frequent General Kill Klub” sparked a flurry of activity within Russian-held areas of Ukraine, but perhaps not the kind that Moscow had hoped for. A sudden surge of battlefield promotions has been reported, in some cases from Junior Lieutenant to “Acting Maj. Gen.” One patrol was seen digging trenches, with each man wearing the rank of lieutenant general.
“I was just scouring a nearby field looking for wild berries or squirrels for dinner when suddenly a messenger drove up to me,” said Cpl. Anatoly Sokolov, an artillery soldier fighting just north of Crimea. “He said ‘congratulations, Comrade General,’ then gave me a general’s hat. Then he jumped back on his motorcycle and sped off. I noticed he had a large sack of general’s hats on his back. I guess he has a lot of promotions to give out.”
There was some hesitancy reported in participating in the General Kill Klub on the Ukrainian side.
“We sort of feel guilty,” said Oleksiy Reznikov, Ukraine’s Minister of Defense, “like we’re taking advantage of yet another horribly bad Russian decision. But a good deal is a good deal.”
Adm. Kostyukov cautioned that “deals like this won’t last long,” but also gave a preview of Russia’s next motivational promotion, “two dead colonels for every one Ukraine kills.”
“Sooner or later,” said Kostyukov, “we’ll motivate our forces to victory.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic.
