Category: that’s too bad”
DOGE vs ATF

Top honors for “Human Projectile Of The Month” go to an as-yet-unidentified dude who, we’re told, is also a serious contender for the annual Darwin Award. That prestigious prize is given — posthumously — to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion. Well, the Darwin folks might see it that way, but we consider it a gallant, if not brainless, form of ballistic research.
Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got involved with this historic event after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway. The more officers found, the stranger the case got until they pulled back, regrouped, and launched a full-scale investigation.
Here’s what they kinda “pieced” together: JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve “Jet Assisted Take Off,” typically lifting big transports into the air from rough-ground short runways or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.
They were not, repeat not, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But we guess — let’s call him “Zippy”— didn’t know that when he hooked one up to his ride.
Ol’ Zip apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice, long, lonely piece of straight-as-string highway in good repair. Not guessing he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy’s test track had, that far down the strip, a gentle rise on a sloping turn.
Anyways, the Zipster kicked the tire, lit the fire, and ran his Chevy up to top cruising speed. And then he hit ignition!
Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt. The pocket-calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within five seconds, punching that Chevy up to “well in excess of 350 mph” and continuing at “full burn” for another 20 to 25 seconds.
Early in that little sprint, at roughly the 2.5-mile mark, the Human Hydra-Shok stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four ’skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.
Remember that gentle rise on the turn? That’s where Zippy concluded his land-speed record attempt and went for aerial honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We’ll never know how far and how high The Big Zip might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in the way, posing a serious violation of the laws of physics vis à vis two chunks of matter attempting to occupy the same space at the same time. Zip gave it hell though, blasting a three-foot deep crater in the terra-very-firma.
The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car’s make, model, and year. As for Zip, only trace evidence was found of bone, teeth and hair in the crater, and splinters of fingernail embedded in what is believed to be a piece of steering wheel. If there ain’t room for this one in the Guinness Book of World Records, there damn sure ought to be an honorable mention in Weatherby’s.



Answers
A. Be on a boat in the middle of a large river in Burma during WWII.
B. Go up against Bill Slim’s 14th British Army who REALLY hates you for some reason. Like you not taking any prisoners & making them live in that Hell Hole that is Burma in the 1940’s.
C. Not having control of either river bank. Always a BAD thing
D. Having NO air support around
E. Having some really good small arms & mortars coming to bear on you (Steel on Target) AND having the RAF Ground Support on call.
F. I am sure that the Forward Observer is also calling in Arty on you too. (British Artillery has always had a pretty good reputation BTW)
All of which is going to add up to one really bad day for the members of Imperial Japanese Military on those boats. As their wounded usually wound up suffering a really horrible death. What with no medics or drugs nor any kind of medical support available. So usually your officers would eventually kill you iffen you didn’t die quick enough.
Plus there were cases of Cannibalism too. Since there were no supply lines for your army back then. Nice huh?
So for all those who might wind up one day in command. Try to remember the 6 Pees, Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance! That & I hope that you have better luck than those Bastards! Grumpy

As the light turned to dark, a male leopard cautiously followed a well-worn path in the shadow of Mount Kilimanjaro. The cat had been here before, perhaps as recently as the previous night. As he slipped in and out of the long grass, the leopard passed the dimly glowing lights from a nearby manyatta (village), then continued on his seemingly purposeful mission, stopping frequently to sniff tracks and check out his surroundings with his superb nighttime vision.
Native voices, possibly herdsmen, faded away as the leopard crept along, now closer to the ground. It stopped and crouched even lower, peering through the grass to watch the comings and goings of people in a tented camp. The big cat waited patiently until the strange voices were silent. Then, beneath a bright, cold Africa moon it started to sneak toward the camp.
The leopard approached one tent and circled it silently before its attention was drawn to another. Still creeping low and undeterred by the flickering light of the campfires, it picked up its pace and, with the brazen audacity common only to leopards, it rushed through the open flap of the tent and in a flash, stole away with its chosen prey.
The year was 1903; the place was German East Africa (later Tanganyika, now Tanzania). The camp was that of two hunters: Kalman Kittenberger, a young Austro-Hungarian sporting gentleman, and an old African military man, a corporal at the Moshi Garrison.
The men, who had pitched their tents about 100 yards apart, had arrived to hunt elephants in the area, which was soon to be a protected reserve. Their tents were pitched adjacent to two separate trails that each hunter would scout separately the next day.
That night Kalman had visited the old African’s tent and had drank and talked well into the wee hours. The old African owned a bulldog named Simba, perhaps for its tenacity, but a strange choice of dog in this climate. The breed’s short nose and breathing passage makes it hard for the dogs to stay cool, and it would probably have had suffered much discomfort in the days to come. The bulldog is also prone to suffering from heatstroke. But the old African loved his dog and it went everywhere with him, usually sleeping under his bed. On this night, however, his loyal companion was snatched from beneath him with unbelievable speed by the marauding leopard.
The African wasted no time in grabbing his 7mm Mauser and firing at the fleeing cat. The commotion brought his colleague rushing from his tent and the two hunters fired in the general direction of the escaping leopard.
Everything was silent as the hunters followed the predator into the inky blackness. Unlike lions, leopards have a habit of doubling back and attacking their pursuers at incredible speed. Knowing this, the two men proceeded with extreme caution, their eyes gradually adjusting to the dark. Intermittent clouds obscured the moonlight, making their task even more difficult. Listening for the leopard’s distinctive cough or the dog to whimper, the two men moved silently through the long grass. The only sound was from their pounding hearts.
After a short time the hunters stumbled across the dog’s body. Their shots had apparently missed, but at least they forced the cat to drop poor Simba. Like a ghost, the leopard had escaped to live and maraud another day.
There were many stories of man-eaters prior to World War I in East Africa, but lions weren’t always to blame. Leopards were, in fact, the bigger culprits, and stories such as this were not uncommon. Cattle and other livestock were in particular danger, but unbeknownst to most Europeans at the time, leopards also accounted for many human injuries and deaths. But their favorite prey was the dog. They snatched them from camps and villages, sometimes in broad daylight right in front of their masters. One has to realize that leopards were far more common than lions; indeed, they could be found almost everywhere on the African continent, but because of their secretiveness, they were seldom seen.