Grumpy, Author at You Will Shoot Your Eye Out

FORT BENNING, Ga. – Army 2nd Lt. Kevin Dingleberg has resting dumb face, a source familiar with the matter told reporters.

“We’d prefer the term ‘resting confused face’ or ‘resting bewildered’ face,” said company equal opportunity representative Staff Sgt. Dave Muth. “But we all can agree that Dingleberg has the stupidest fucking face we’ve seen.”

Dingleberg, a recent distinguished military graduate of the ROTC program at the University of Nebraska, has been blissfully unaware that any time he stops focusing on his command presence, his face looks like a freeze frame of someone getting hit in the face with a dildo.

“Whether it’s in the field or doing something routine in the motor pool, Dingledoofus looks like he just woke up on the wrong side of stupid,” said Sgt. 1st Class Darrin Johnson. “We could be at the Dunkin’ Donuts and his face will still make everyone feel like they’re lost.”

Resting dumb face is a condition where one’s face reverts to a befuddled expression when the individual isn’t interacting with another person, according to the Mayo Clinic. It is commonly found in junior officers and is often thought to be contagious.

While it has been found in new privates, it can usually be eliminated within weeks of contact with non-commissioned officers. The condition is especially common in fuel handlers.

Others in Dingleberg’s platoon agree with Johnson’s assessment, saying he “looks like a goldfish with fetal alcohol syndrome,” and that his face could be improved with “one of those tumors you only see in Save the Children ads.”

Still, his commander sees the young lieutenant in a different light.

“Dingleberg shows an amazing capacity to delegate and let his NCOs take care of business,” said Capt. Ryan Anderson, company commander. “He reminds me so much of myself at that age.”

The Day Disney died by Will Dabbs

I can tell you from personal experience that doing Disneyworld from the back of a pickup truck
while wearing worn-out cutoff blue jeans was a rocking time.

I’m nominally on my fifth career. An optimist would say I’m a Renaissance Man. My wife might counter that I seldom stick with anything. Regardless, I have been blessed to see the world from a variety of different perspectives.

Things are pretty sweet now. I’m a busy physician, and this writing gig keeps inexplicably chugging along. I take my bride out for a date once a week and don’t fret unduly about how to pay for it. However, that was not always the case.

Disneyworld really is an amazing magical place. It is also just crazy expensive. Wikipedia photo by Jedi94.

I studied mechanical engineering originally, so I had to go back to college for a year to complete my prerequisites before applying to medical school. We didn’t have a whole lot back then. In fact, we actually made it five years with three kids and no paycheck. That we remained fed, clothed, and sane throughout stands in glorious testimony to my wife’s extraordinary tolerance, patience, discipline, and character.

I got out of the Army because I was deployed all the time. After eight years of that, a frenetic two semesters’ worth of biology and organic chemistry, and then that first legendarily ghastly year of medical school, it was time for a well-earned respite.

You actually get three months off between the first and second years of med school. As that is the last serious free time you will see until you are either 65 or dead, it behooves you to take advantage of it. Back in 1999, we borrowed my parents’ gigantic RV and struck out for Disney World.

Everything about Disneyworld is carefully curated to be the ultimate entertainment experience.
Disney promotional image.

The Most Magical Place on Earth

The motor home was big enough to warrant its own zip code, and it only cost me gas. We stayed cheaply at Disney’s Fort Wilderness campground and park-hopped through Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Tours, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and Kali River Rapids. We were broke as skunks, but we had each other. Though we have since taken bigger family excursions, that one was quite likely the best. The tragic bit, however, is that normal people cannot afford to do that today.

Disney’s prices have risen astronomically. I get it, everything everywhere is more expensive. Politicians have burned through money like drunken sailors. You pump that much economic stimulus into the economy, and eventually things get well and truly stimulated. That means inflation. However, Disney just seems to have taken that to the very next level.

Nowadays, it costs between $180 to $200 per person per day just to get in the gate. Park Hopper tickets, which let you jump from park to park, cost more. Lightning Lane Multi-Passes add around $380 for a 3-day trip for a family if you don’t want to spend your entire vacation standing in line. The grub is not bad, but it is priced like they were feeding the Queen of Sheba. RV sites at Fort Wilderness start at $119 per night if you bring your own motorhome. Cabins range from $550 to $880. Cheap rooms on the property are $285. The good stuff flirts with a grand.

Once you get your brood into the parks, bedded down, and fed, there are the souvenirs. They are also admittedly quite cool. A decent battery-powered Legacy Lightsaber at Galaxy’s Edge will set you back $200 to $450 … times how many kids do you have?

Mouse Philosophy

Disney World first opened in October 1971. My family went for the first time the following year. We pulled a travel trailer behind a pickup. My best friend and I slept in the back of the truck. We were just normal people of normal means, and we had an absolutely amazing time. That’s what old Walt wanted the place to be.

Nowadays, you really do have to be independently wealthy to put together a proper Disney junket. Each year, the place gets bigger and flashier. I freely admit to harboring a burning desire to explore Galaxy’s Edge and take a ride on the Avatar Flight of Passage.

However, as all of my kids are now grown and gone, I think I’ll just take that not insubstantial chunk of change and dump it on a trip to Europe to explore the old World War II battlefields instead. That same sum would also go a long way toward a decent car or a transferable machine gun.

Ruminations

I’m an unrepentant capitalist. The pursuit of money is what brought us such stuff as the smartphone, sub-$500 AR-15 rifles, silicone breast implants, and cutting-edge treatments for male pattern baldness. Were it not for unfettered capitalism, we’d all likely be crouched in some cave somewhere picking parasites off of each other. However, I do wish that normal people could still afford to take their kids to Disney World.

I have spent some time around rich folks. Folks of modest means are typically more gracious, more generous, and more loving. If you need examples, think Nancy Pelosi, Alec Baldwin, George Soros, and Robert DeNiro. They’re all rich, but who wants to go to Disney World with people like that?

It’s not going to change. I understand that. However, I do mourn the passing of affordable Disney. I can tell you from personal experience that doing Disney World from the back of a pickup truck while wearing worn-out cutoff blue jeans was a rocking time. Those were indeed the good old days.