Today, May 26th, Governor Lamont signed away more 2nd Amendment rights of law-abiding Connecticut residents by signing H5043 – A bill he himself requested that bans future manufacture, sale, and importation of many commonly owned handguns in Connecticut.
It also puts new restrictions on unfinished frames and receivers. This legislation erodes the freedoms of law-abiding manufacturers, dealers, and residents rather than stop individuals performing already illegal modifications to notably mainstream firearm platforms.
THE BARRACKS — Congratulations are in order for Cpl. Jeremy Roosevelt, cited by his contemporaries for giving excellent barracks-life advice, having just passed his barracks bar exam after downing his ninth tequila shot.
Cpl. Roosevelt was encouraged to sit for the exam after his success litigating multiple barracks cases throughout the past year, including the great laundry room detergent robber, the case of the beer can tosser, and the urinator of 2022.
“He was universally nominated by the other NCOs in the barracks. He’s better than the commander’s open-door policy,” said Sgt. Ronald Sardines, the barracks manager. “I saw him turn around a UCMJ violation where a soldier facing demotion ended up with a friggin promotion.”
Many a barracks-lawyer-in-training has led their clients astray, garnering the worst possible outcomes for their clients. But not Roosevelt.
“You have to know the limits. Also, you need to know the books. Don’t tell a client to go AWOL if they’re already facing UCMJ, that’s just barracks’ common sense,” advised Roosevelt.
Cpl. Roosevelt sat for the bar exam at 2300 hours, as is barracks tradition. The test is similar to Army NCO boards, taking place within the basements of barracks. (Editor’s note: All barracks have basements. Even if they don’t appear to.)
Cpl. Roosevelt began with the ceremonial dripping of candle wax on a commander’s uniform. He was then forced to identify six loopholes in doctrine that he would advise his clients to exploit to get out of similar trouble.
Per the rules of the bar exam, Cpl. Roosevelt took a shot of tequila with each challenge he successfully completed.
The final challenge was the ceremonial prank phone call to the battalion sergeant major. If Cpl. Roosevelt couldn’t get the sergeant major to apologize to him for wasting his time, then all would be nothing.
“And then, on his ninth tequila, the son of a bitch did it!” said Sgt. Sardines. “We couldn’t believe it, but he earned it that day.”
Cpl. Roosevelt is currently practicing in a barracks near you.
Remember to always trust your barracks lawyer.
They’re there for your benefit.
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.
In Alice Springs, Australia, a group of 15 Aborigines is reported to have attacked and beaten three police officers. Their weapons were frozen kangaroo tails. By the time reinforcements arrived to make arrests, the suspects had eaten the evidence.
Note: Don’t try this with firearms, although a properly marinated Claro walnut stock might be pretty tasty. And those french-fried Franchis, well …
Pepperoni-Popper
Dale Tipton thinks he was only protecting his life in the most reasonable way possible. Pizza Hut says he violated company policy. For preventing a robbery — and possibly his own murder — the pizza deliveryman was fired.
Tipton pulled up to deliver a pizza in Hutchinson, Kan., and found three male suspects waiting to rob him. When one brandished a gun, Tipton jumped back into his car and sped away. A few seconds later, he realized he had driven into a dead end and was trapped unless he turned around and “ran the gauntlet” past the suspects.
Then Tipton remembered — he had been target shooting the day before, and his unloaded semiauto rifle was still in the car.
“I spun the vehicle around and pulled the rifle out from under the back seat and put it across my chest and made a big show of it. As soon as they saw it, they were trucking,” the delivery man recalled.
Having won the game of “Mine’s Bigger Than Yours,” Tipton drove away as the suspects burned shoe leather. He was more than a little disappointed to learn he had saved his life, the company’s cash and a big pepperoni pizza, but lost his job.
Pizza Hut forbids its drivers to carry weapons, and mandates that employees must cooperate with robbery suspects.
Local police pointed out that Tipton did absolutely nothing illegal.
A New Nickname Now
Police in Omaha, Neb., thought their burglary suspect was just another break-and-enter man with bad luck. They didn’t realize they were dealing with a true medical pioneer, a fearless experimenter on the cutting edge of surgical technique. Their suspect had successfully removed one of his testicles with a .45 ACP round.
At the scene of a store burglary, investigators found copious amounts of blood but no explanation of how the injury occurred. Shrugging, they collected samples for a blood match, drew up an affidavit to obtain a blood sample from a known local suspect, and went looking for him.
They didn’t have far to look, as they found him undergoing some rather sensitive surgery at a local hospital. It seems our villain was playing with a .45 auto he found at the scene. While practicing his “quick draw” technique pulling the pistol from his waistband, he unintentionally squeezed off a round which not-too-neatly carried away one of the family jewels.
A good blood sample, the loot, the gun, and the “jewel” were recovered.
Smelly Robbery
Cincinnati police had a pretty good description of a robbery suspect wanted for stickups in three local restaurants. The only comment from witnesses they couldn’t figure out was a description of the suspect’s weapon as a “really funny-looking derringer.” All seemed to feel it was a real gun, but there was definitely something strange about it.
With the arrest of Ivery Johnson, 28 the riddle was solved. He was carrying the “weapon” at the time of his arrest. It was a derringer shaped Avon perfume bottle.
Oops, Wrong Victim
Reginald Jordan of New Brunswick, New Jersey, was charged with committing a murder in the course of a robbery but it wasn’t the murder of his intended victim.
The 23-year-old would-be stickup man and two accomplices had mugged a young man for $150 and a gold chain when Jordan apparently decided to kill him anyway.
The robbery victim waited until the last split second, then ducked when Jordon fired. The shot hit one of Jordan’s cronies in the head, killing him. The other gangster fled, perhaps worried he might be next. Jordan may have problems recruiting new gang members in the future.
Six-Shooter Vs. Six-Pack
When a lone gunman burst into a convenience store in Seattle, he apparently thought all he had to do was fire a few shots into the cigarette machine to intimidate Mahomed, the night clerk. But Mahomed, remembering the TV jingle about how “Pepsi hits the spot,” gave it a new literal meaning. He opened up on the crook with hurled 12 oz. cans of Pepsi Cola.
The stunned robber, pelted with Pepsi staggered backward but then regained the offensive, firing another shot at Mahomed. Mahomed stood his ground and this time was joined by a friend in firing Pepsi cans at the shooter.
After another fusillade of gunfire Mahomed and his buddy had to seek cover and found themselves crouching behind a virtual arsenal: an entire stack of six-packs of Pepsi. They re-armed and continued firing away until the robber fled the store empty-handed.
With a badge and a carload of one-liter soft drinks, this guy could bring crime in Seattle to a crisp, refreshing standstill.
Banned Flag
Rick Sansoni seems like an American Handgunner kind of guy, though he’s not too popular with his neighbors. For over 20 years, he’s been celebrating national holidays by flying the American flag from the top of his condominium in San Rafael, Calif. But now that could cost him financial penalties, and ultimately perhaps, his home.
Rick recently received notice from the condo complex property manager that future display of the colors will cost him $50 for the first offense and up to $400 for a fourth violation. A letter from John Sirrine, the property manager, asked that Sansoni “… please be considerate of your neighbors and protect the value of your home: by not flying the red, white and blue. Sirrine was not available for further comment.
It is speculated that other residents exercised a fine print clause in their owners agreement to complain about Sansoni’s politically incorrect support of archaic American values.
Why, this display could even be construed as praise for (shudder!) patriotism! What if children should see it?
Mark Moritz hung up his satirical spurs to a collective sigh of relief from America’s gun writers whom he had lampooned in Friendly Fire for two long, painful years.
The 10 Ring is written by Commander Gilmore, a retired San Diego police officer who bases his humor, like Mark did, on actual occurrences. All the incidents described by the Commander are true.
THE BARRACKS — Congratulations are in order for Cpl. Jeremy Roosevelt, cited by his contemporaries for giving excellent barracks-life advice, having just passed his barracks bar exam after downing his ninth tequila shot.
