From the police blotter in Cave Junction, Ore., we learn that motorists complained of suspects showing their bare bottoms “… just over the little bridge after Highway 199” late on a moonlit evening.A deputy was dispatched and subsequently contacted two women at that location. The deputy noted he lacked probable cause to arrest for the alleged offense, but the two ladies were howling at the moon when he arrived.
And a P.S.: From the same blotter, we note a complaint that “Because of a disagreement, one man was worried that another would damage his equipment.” It’s called Bobitt Syndrome, guys.
Address Change
Hugh Rinehart, of the Target World Shooting Range in Cincinnati, Ohio, has heard just about every off-the-wall comment about guns and shooting humanly possible. But even Hugh had to admit a local reporter’s demand for information topped his personal list of Stupid Questions.
It seems the TV news hound was enraged by a rash of handgun shootings, and one particular brand kept coming up in the news, “What’s the address of the Saturday Night Special company?” demanded the journalist. “I want to give them a piece of my mind!”
Go ahead. In fact, give ’em a big piece of your mind. We don’t think it’ll amount to much.
Blind Shooting
Judge Larry Stirling was one of the first dignitaries to tour the new headquarters of the National City, Calif., Police Department. Hizzoner was most impressed with the sparkling facilities, sporting all the latest in high-tech cop-stuff. He was especially pleased to see that efforts had been made to accommodate handicapped citizens, but was a bit disturbed by a sign on the door to the police shooting range.
The instructions for the shooting range were in Braille.
.Felony Stupid
On the silver screen, bank robbers seem to enjoy a little more status than their street-mugging peers, presumably because they’re a bit smarter, a tad more astute than commoner thieves. Maybe it’s because we at least think they can count.
But just about the time you think a financial institution stickup man packs a few more IQ points than your average hood, along comes Wiljen Serrano.
Serrano, 26, apparently never heard Rule Number One of Bank Robbery — Never Take the Dye Pack! His first attempt to rob the Progress Federal Savings Bank resulted in a bungled getaway, a technicolor explosion, and Serrano’s narrow escape with his life and a load of dye-stained laundry.
Violating another rule of robbery-as-a-career, Serrano returned to the same bank a few weeks later, this time grabbing everyone’s attention by leaping up onto a teller’s counter.
“Don’t give me the dye pack,” he screamed, waving a large knife, “Or I’ll blow your head off!”
Bank employees and customers stared. Somehow, even the businesslike brandishing of his deadly blade couldn’t quite stifle the giggles. Serrano realized he’d blown his image, grabbed some cash, and fled. Unimpressed witnesses followed at a discreet distance and pointed him out to the cops.
Maybe they give classes in Remedial Robbery in Pennsylvania prisons. You know, like writing on the board 100 times: “GUN: Blow your head off. KNIFE: Cut you up, bad. CLUB: Beat you like a baby seal.” Something like that.
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Mark Moritz hung up his satirical spurs to a collective sigh of relief from America’s gun writers whom he had lampooned in Friendly Fire for two long, painful years. The 10 Ring is written by Commander Gilmore, a retired San Diego police officer who bases his humor, like Mark did, on actual occurrences. All the incidents described by the Commander are true.