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| CAMP PENDLETON, Ca.— Note: The following was an unsolicited submission from a slightly intoxicated and bored junior enlisted Marine, PFC Christian de la Luna-Crudup. It is presented as he submitted it. |
| 7. Coyote: |
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| Yup, seems scarier than it actually is. When I was on gate guard duty we would always see them at night. My childhood dog is bigger than those dudes. Plus, yes they have knives for teeth but I have teeth and knives and knife hands. Also, they are kind of cute so maybe I could make it into a pet. Time to KO: ~5 minutes. Verdict: Me. |
| 6. Geese: |
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| Nasty little guys. They can fly so that’s an advantage. However, on the ground, hand-to-wing combat? I am confident in my skills. I have a tan belt in MCMAP. Besides, they are all talk and they have a lot of throat to punch and choke. I am not afraid of being beak-bitten. Time to KO: ~10 minutes. Verdict: Me, AF. |
| 5. Horse: |
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| This is a bit of a wild card. Christopher Reeves was literally Superman and got humbled by a horse. But honestly, I don’t want to fight a horse, I want to befriend a horse. I would recognize his grace and power but also hope he would see my wisdom and gentleness. Time to KO: No KO but it will probably take a couple of hours to learn how to horseback ride. Verdict: BFFs. |
| 4. Python: |
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| Not poisonous, or venomous, or whatever. That’s cool. But their hugs can send a fellow to the Promised Land. I do remember watching Discovery Channel and seeing something about a guy getting attacked by a python and he straight up just took a bite out of the snake to get away. That would be my game plan. Still a 50/50 chance, I think. Time to KO: A while. Verdict: In God’s hands. |
| 3. Chimpanzee: |
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| Being for real here… don’t like my chances. I think with my MCMAP skills, a KA-BAR, and a helmet, I could survive this but absolutely no way I am sending that chimp to the great beyond. Time to KO: 15 minutes (armed), 4 minutes (unarmed). Verdict: Chimp Bizkit. |
| 2. Grizzly Bear: |
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| Pretty sure it’s an endangered species so half of that fight is over already. But they are real big boys… or girls. Absolute “units” as my Brit buddy, Tony would say. The lady bears are also protective of their cubs. Nah. I have knife hands but they have knife hands and knife feet and knife teeth. Nope. Time to KO: 1 minute. Verdict: Ms. Grizzle and Magic School Bustdown |
| 1. Gorilla: |
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| Was Harambe one of these? I can’t remember. Anway… Hard no. Have you seen one of those guys? It’s chest day and leg day every day for them. Homie would probably rip me in two, piss on both halves of my wrecked body, and then use sign language to brag about it to his buddies. No thank you. Time to KO: 12 seconds. Verdict: Harambe. |
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| Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass. |
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Bro. Seriously though, bro. Like, a snake is all neck if you think about it.
