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| Newly commissioned 1st Lt. Biden gave a shiny silver dollar in return for his first salute |
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| KYIV, Ukraine — Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr., the 46th president of the United States, announced he was deserting the oval office “so I can fight for the glory of Ukraine.” The announcement came on live TV during a surprise meeting with President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. “It’s the only way I can really get at Putin,” the now-former President said, “The press always asks me, don’t I wish I was debating him? No, I wish we were in high school and I could take him behind the gym. That’s what I wish.” |
| Biden, who recently passed his annual White House physical, said “I’m a spry guy, I’ve tussled with the likes of Corn Pop, I can do this.” He posed for pictures in a boxing stance to prove his point. |
| The former president told reporters “I am in Kyiv today to meet with President Zelenskyy and reaffirm our unwavering and unflagging commitment to Ukraine’s democracy, sovereignty, and territorial integrity.” Biden then turned to Zelenskyy and raised his right hand to receive the Ukrainian oath of enlistment. Out of respect for his previous legislative and executive branch experience, Biden was direct commissioned to first lieutenant though one Ukrainian officer was later heard to say he thought lance corporal was more appropriate given Biden’s documented love of American muscle cars. |
| Biden’s decision to desert parallels that of Daniel W. Swift, a Navy SEAL who deserted in 2019 and died fighting for Ukraine. Both men chucked a promising security career: one, a special warfare operator 1st class, the other a commander in chief. |
| Ukraine’s president recited the oath in his native tongue while the former U.S. president nodded as if he understood. Biden then saluted Zelenskyy, grinned widely with a mouthful of preternaturally white teeth, and gave reporters the double-guns hand signal, saying “I’m a soldier now, that’s so cool.” |
| Zelenskyy then presented Ukraine’s newest enlistee with a Kel-Tec SUB-2000 carbine. “This was sent to us from your country,” Biden’s commander-in-chief explained. “It is very lightweight, so you should be able to handle it.” |
| Biden took the weapon and immediately swept the room with its muzzle, saying, “Corn Pop better watch out now.” Everyone in the room dove for cover except Zelenskyy, who rolled his eyes and asked, “Do you think I would chamber a round before giving it to him?”. |
| Under questioning by reporters, Biden said he hoped his desertion would “rally the world to support the people of Ukraine and the core values of human rights and dignity in the UN Charter that unite us worldwide.” |
| Biden also revealed he had arrived in Ukraine with a “delivery of critical equipment, including artillery ammunition, anti-armor systems, and air surveillance radars to help protect the Ukrainian people from aerial bombardments.” The former U.S. commander-in-chief did not explain how he got through customs with the equipment he alleged to have brought with him. |
| Back at the White House, Communications Director Kate Bedingfield called Biden’s surprise move “a bold and strong move, demonstrating resolve and commitment on … Biden’s part in the face of the extreme difficulty of [deserting] as President of the United States.” |
| The trip “was logistically complicated and difficult,” Bedingfield told reporters. “It sends an incredibly powerful message that … Biden has faith in the Ukrainian people and is unwavering in his commitment to stand by them.” |
| National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan lauded Biden’s desertion to reporters in a conference call, labeling it “unprecedented in modern times… What he wanted to do in Kyiv was to send a clear, unmistakable message of enduring American support for Ukraine; a clear, unmistakable message of the unity of the West and (inaudible) international community in standing behind Ukraine and standing up to Russian aggression; and also to be able to stand there next to President Zelenskyy in a free Kyiv to not just tell but to show the world, through a powerful demonstration, that Ukraine is successfully resisting Russian aggression.” |
| Biden is the first U.S. president to desert office since 37th President Richard Nixon left 38th President Gerald Ford a “Dear John letter” in 1974. In the letter, Nixon revealed that he hijacked Air Force One to Vietnam to be with the country he regarded as his true soul mate. |
| It was not clear at press time if Biden’s desertion would impact any federal pensions he earned from 1973 to 2017 as a U.S. senator and vice president. |
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| Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law. |