FORT IRWIN, Calif. — The US Army has been experimenting with new HMMWV technology that people with limited imagination are calling “a gamechanger.”
According to sources, the Army has discovered that a HMMWV driven at exactly 88 miles per hour and hitting a bump just right will travel through time. Physicists say that the suspension on the “hummers” is so bad and the weight of the vehicle such that the impact with the bump generates exactly 1.21 jigawatts of kinetic energy for 54 nanoseconds.
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The revelation occurred during a routine National Guard training exercise at Fort Irwin when soldiers were doing soldier things and decided to remove the governor from the Humvee.
The driver of the vehicle, Spc. Johnson Jacob Johnson, said, “The vehicle shook more than a $50 washing machine with a stripper on top. But we were bored and were trying to see if it could do 100. The next thing I knew, we were back in 1985!”
“Listen, I know it sounds crazy, and we didn’t think you could even get a Hummer to go that fast,” said Sgt. Timothy Malane, one of the passengers. “But one second we were driving around the Mojave Desert and the next thing we knew, Reagan was President. It was kind of wild to realize that we are still driving HMMWVs just like they did back in the 80s. They had M16s, too, and here we are still rocking those. Huh,” he said with a faraway look.
While some soldiers have expressed excitement at the possibility of time travel, others have expressed concern about the potential consequences of messing with the space-time continuum.
“I mean, what if we accidentally go back in time and mess something up?” said Pvt. Janet Bertnarack. “What if we go back in time and accidentally step on a butterfly, and then we come back, and there’s no more Waffel House?”
The Air Force has expressed disappointment with the Army’s slowness, stating that they have had their own time-traveling technology for years.
“Where do you think all those [unidentified aerial phenonmenons] that keep messing with the Navy come from?” a flag officer who requested anonymity said.
Despite these concerns, the Army plans to continue testing the HMMWV time travel technology, though officers have yet to make the journey, claiming it’s too dangerous for anyone but enlisted men and women.
“We’re really excited about the potential of this technology,” said Natick Army Labs engineer Col. Frank Thompson. “Imagine being able to fix mistakes before they even happen. We could stop the development of the Bradley before it’s too late, or prevent the Army Combat Uniform from ever happening.”
As for the soldiers who have already traveled through time, many of them have expressed a desire to go back and visit their favorite historical periods.
“I can’t wait to go back and see the dinosaurs,” said Pvt. Mary Leakey. “I mean, as long as we don’t get eaten or anything.”
And also, Doug got to punch 2nd Lt. Mark Milley in the face on our last trip. Though he did lose his phone in the fight. So we think he might have accidentally invented the smartphone.”
When asked about the potential for less beneficial effects on the fabric of time and space, one engineer responded, “We’ll leave that up to the nerds in the Space Force or whatever. I can’t wait to go back and find out who killed JFK.”
“And watch out, Baby Hitler!”
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.