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What if World War 2 was a bar fight? Profile photo for Brendan Whitson Brendan Whitson

An unassuming, relatively kind man has been sitting alone at the bar…His name is Poland and he is a regular here.

China and Korea (also regulars) are sitting at a table. They usually just hangout and keep to themselves. One is enjoying a rum and coke. The other, a red-bull vodka (respectively).

Every once in a while Poland runs into his buddies Britain and France, but neither are here at the moment. Poland being Poland, contents himself with a drink or three, wondering if his friends might show.

Japan heard that China and Korea were at the bar though. Japan figured he would show up and give them a hard time. Japan has a Napoleon Complex. He is sort of a maverick.

Italy goes to the same exact bar with his friend Germany. It’s the usual rabble. When they get there, Italy runs straight to the radio to pick a song. Germany slugs the beer as quickly as Switzerland the bartender provides them.

The USSR meets Germany at the bar. They usually hate each other, but fuck that guy Poland, just sitting there acting all innocent… They secretly agree to jump Poland when he decides to go take a piss.

Lest we forget Japan who just ripped a few shots of Sake. He is feeling nice.

Silently, Japan strikes!

He karate chops Korea and China at the point where neck meets shoulder…

This renders both men unconscious before they, or anyone else, even realizes that it happened.

Japan gives them a couple more whacks for good measure, steals their money, and doesn’t even leave enough coin to cover China and Korea’s tab… acting like any/all of this is perfectly acceptable…

Nobody else seems to care, which is absurd.

Italy walks over to Germany and grabs a seat.

While Italy was fiddling with the radio station, Germany got him a beer, even though he knows Italy prefers wine.

Italy dutifully drinks the beer.

Germany hopes beer will make Italy tougher.

Poland finally gets up to go take a piss!

Germany and The USSR quickly follow him.

While Poland is facing the wall urinal, relieving himself. Germany charges in and punches Poland from the left, and The USSR punches Poland from the right.

They totally catch him with his pants down.

Poland is knocked out cold and he might have serious brain damage.

Germany and The USSR agree to divide up Poland’s valuables, his watch, the cash in his wallet, even the ring on his finger.

As Germany and The USSR exit the bathroom France and Britain walk into the bar.

France is jacked, but his muscles are mostly for show. He is even more muscular than The USSR.

Britain is smart and he knows it. He knows his friends are less likely to get in trouble if he goes with them. They were supposed to meet Poland but they were not known for their timeliness.

Oh well, sorry Poland.

They go to the bar to grab a drink.

Germany and The USSR walk by France and Britain. It is fairly awkward because two of these guys do not get along well.

Germany says something about France’s mom.

France fires back and says something about Germany’s sister.

They get up in each other’s face. Most of the shit talking is incoherent. Their accents are thick, and they insist on talking over one another while pointing in random directions.

Britain just asks everyone to calm down and make some concessions. He wants to appease everyone, and wants to talk this out.

The USSR does not really want any part in the argument and walks away. He just keeps walking back to his seat. He just saw Finland walk in and he fucking hates Finland (because Finland exists).

With a glass of wine now in hand, Italy shouts encouragement to Germany over Italy’s shoulder. That’s what it sounded like at least. Italy is standing over near the radio again turning knobs. He’s searching for a radio station to listen in on a football match.

The USSR decides now is his chance to pick on little Finland. He fucking hates Finland for simply existing, and everyone else seems distracted at the moment.

He walks right over to Finland (who is sitting down drinking a brewski).

Finland gives The USSR more than he bargained for though.

While sitting down drinking a beer mind you, Finland kicks The USSR in the knee really fucking hard. The USSR lunges for him but “Fin” slides under the table and pops out on the other side.

Finland then finishes his beer and gives The USSR the middle finger.

The USSR looks like a bitch in front of his tough German friend.

Boom! Just across the bar Germany punches France straight in the gut, where he least expected. No one saw it coming. France goes down faster than anyone would have thought. Then Germany swings at Britain, but Britain dodges it and ducks out of the bar.

Britain is thinking to himself, ’holy cannoli that escalated rather quickly I dare say.’

He needs to regroup and gather his wits about him.

France is somehow already down and out for the count.

Germany rallies a few more of the Central Europeans sitting at some tables around the bar. They include Austria, Romania, and Hungary to name a few.

They join in because they want Germany to like them, and they do not want him to knock them out like he did to France. A few saw what happened to Poland and they told everybody else.

They’re a bunch of kiss-asses.

That cocky American has been drinking at the bar with his good pal The Philippines.

These two always go for the cheaper beer so they can drink them in quantity. They are trying to ignore most of this seemingly petty nonsense but the booze are getting the best of them.

It seems like Switzerland the bartender is fine with letting them drink to their hearts content.

Germany gathers his new friends. They happen over to the bar to grab more beers from Switzerland the bartender as well.

But “guess who’s back… back again?”

No it’s not Slim Shady, it’s Great Britain!

Britain rolls through. He gathered his wits, and he’s back for a good scrap. Britain shouts for Canada, Australia, New Zealand, India and America to come over to his side of the bar and help a brother out.

To Britain’s credit, he was willing to stand alone either way.


America decides to go drink a beer with his buddies because fuck bullies.

America and Germany are uncomfortably close to each other now.

It’s actually rather awkward… America wants to help France, China, and Korea get back up, but Germany is not about to let that happen.

Japan feels like America needs to mind his own business and go back to his spot on the other side of the bar.

Suddenly, and without warning, Germany grabs a bowl of bar nuts and starts throwing them at Britain.

Britain starts throwing bar nuts back at Germany…

Honestly, at this point they are throwing any small to medium sized objects that they can get their hands on. Few projectiles actually hit their intended targets!

Switzerland is beside himself.

America wants to go back to his seat at the moment and enjoy his beer/s away from the ruckus and hubbub. He makes a point to give Britain an extra bowl of his fresh popcorn on the way though.

Germany notices this! He wants fresh popcorn too! What’s America’s deal!?

Germany throws bar nuts at America and pretends it wasn’t him…

Luckily, America gets back to his seat. His seat is pretty far away from Germany, so he knows he is safe for now (safe from Germany’s beer nuts at least).

Canada to his credit, endures further onslaught afield.

However, Germany’s supply of beer nuts are dwindling, and without them, he will struggle to regain the initiative!

Consequently, Germany has been contemplating the fact that The USSR has something like half of Poland’s stuff…

Germany wants ALL of Poland’s stuff (Poland had some nice stuff). He also noticed that The USSR has a slight limp now. Finland might have shown The USSR to be weaker than Germany first thought…

Could this be the opportune moment to strike?

Germany feels confident he can take on The USSR now. The USSR even sees Germany coming from across the bar and does absolutely nothing about it. He does not think Germany “has the balls.”

Nonetheless, Germany full hand bitch slaps the Soviet straight across the face, followed by a strong knee to the testicles (with surprisingly little resistance).

The USSR takes a knee, holding his genitals.

Japan runs over to Germany and says “nice one man.” Japan fucking hates The USSR more than anyone else, except maybe Finland.

Japan high fives Germany and pretty soon they are standing back to back. This is a new friendship because they used to fight each other.

It will have to do.

America, Australia, and the boys (finally) decide it’s time to help China and Korea.

Their friend The Philippines could use some help too, now that you mention it.

Basically anyone with arm’s reach of Japan has taken a few whacks.

Consequently, America tries convincing Switzerland the bartender to stop serving Japan and Germany any alcohol.

The majority of the bar is in agreement, and their supplies of alcohol begin to dwindle down to precarious levels. Switzerland is no longer inclined to replenish their stocks.

Japan and Germany are definitely going to need more alcohol (and bar nuts).

America turns to point and yell at Japan, but SMASH!!

Japan cracks a bottle across the back of America’s head then lunges after The Philippines.

“Who is America to tell anyone else how much they can have to drink!? Who said Budweiser is the ‘King’ of Beers!?”

America stumbles. The Philippines gets thoroughly pummeled in retaliation.

Germany basically refuses to realize he might be screwed now. He picked a fight with half the bar, and that is probably not exaggeration. His friends include some Central Europeans, Japan…who just took a cheap shot at America and The Philippines.

And Italy… who abruptly tries to stand and put up a fight for a change, mumbles something incoherent, only to fall face first into a table.

It would seem the table dealt more damage to Italy than Italy dealt to the table.

Take note, Italy probably should not have mixed beer and wine. He is thoroughly passed out.

You could blame Germany for that, but Italy is responsible for his own decisions.

Everyone else goes back to their altercations. Italy is left alone… but Germany’s rear is now exposed as a consequence.

Japan has his hands full fighting America who is “wicked pissed off,” and sobering up.

He figures Japan has been a real pickle, and America is going to light Japan up if he can. Japan always puts up a good fight, but he is smaller than America.

Meanwhile, The USSR finds his footing again. He gets back up, albeit slowly. He wants to confront both Germany, and Finland. The USSR is still feeling those last hits though and has to take it slow. His balls still hurt, but the fact that he is still in the fight is a commendable feat unto itself.

Germany has to focus on The USSR now. He sees the look on the guys face, realizing that he really pissed The USSR off…

(Actual picture of The Soviet Union’s face after getting kicked in the balls by Germany)

Credit – Revenant

…Germany should have thought this through more thoroughly.


Germany is trying to figure out how to best deal with The USSR. One would assume that after getting full-hand bitch slapped in the face, and kneed in the testicles, The USSR would have given up (most others would have).

Italy is still laying face down, knocked out cold, and unable to provide support in any meaningful capacity. He is unresponsive, but is clearly alive as evidenced by his rising and falling chest (indicative that Italy is in fact still breathing). Again this was largely self-inflicted.

Meanwhile, France tries to sit back up and Germany does not like this, not one bit. His attention is now divided.

America, Britain, Canada and company go over to France to help him to his feet, briefly tripping over Italy along the way.

As the Allies get close, Germany and his friends throw what few projectiles they have left. It’s a mess.

Luckily, no one has a nut allergy.

The popcorn leaves stains on everyone’s trousers though.

After running out of said projectiles, Germany attempts to kick France while he is still down. He’s a sore sport.

America, Britain, and Canada are determined to help France tho.

“Don’t make us come over there.”

Germany just stands there and taunts them with his schnitzel, calling their bluff.

So… America, Britain and Canada go over there.

Germany is now officially fucked. He should not have waved his schnitzel around like that.

France begins to get back up. And with the help of his friends, a tenuous grip on the counter, and some much needed wine, France rises to his feet.

France is wobbly but he should be alright if he has some time to get his bearings and resuscitate his pride.

Japan would go back up Germany, but he is on the other side of the bar dealing with his own problems, which are compounding.

America is a tough opponent by himself, but now he’s linked up with his home boys Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada, and The Philippines.

Japan steadily loses ground, but viciously, savagely defends every inch.

The USSR and Germany are duking it out now. Every once in a while, Germany manages a nice counter blow, yet this does nothing to stop The USSR.

It’s a truly epic fight of historical proportions. But, Germany has overextended himself… once again. He should’ve learned his lesson from Napoleon a century prior. You don’t attack Russia, especially in winter, unless you’re stupid and/or have a death wish.

(Note the Soviet Union is pictured in red/orange and Nazi Germany is pictured in white)

Germany’s energy is running dangerously low, he is overextended, and things are rapidly getting worse.

It is clear that Germany will lose, it’s only a matter of time. Determined to fight to the bitter end, he has two options; Keep getting his ass beat, or surrender. Most would quit by now, but not Germany.

Against all sensibility, Germany opts to get his ass kicked for a bit longer, but he finally falls to the combined force of the Allies after a few last-ditch haymakers for good measure.

From the looks of it Britain, France, America, and The USSR literally had to beat the Nazi out of him.

A new world definition to hanged-drawn-quartered.

However, they were too late to save the roughly 7-12 million innocent people (give or take) that Germany had exterminated… The numbers vary. Either way, it’s really fucked up.

Suffice to say, Germany is kaputt…

America and the boys still have their hands full with Japan though. Japan has put up a good fight, but he is steadily losing ground.

America is now determined to finish the fight at all cost, but Japan has no intention to surrender.

After repeated warnings (and pamphlets tossed about the establishment), America connects one… and then two haymakers with the chin of Japan. Both landed in quick succession. Japan gets rocked, and the aftermath is just as bad. The guy loses several teeth and bites clean through his tongue. He is concussed, bleeding, and clearly traumatized from the attacks.

An eerie, weird silence then ensues.

Japan knows that The USSR fought with America, Britain and their pals to beat up Germany and his friends. Japan also saw what happened to Poland.

Soon The USSR would come after Japan too.

Japan, tempted by Seppuku, wisely chooses to surrender to America instead.

It was a previously unthinkable act.

Everybody is stunned…

Everybody except Italy, who is somehow upright and drinking again… a warrior in his own right.

Much of the bar is once again destroyed, bodies lay strewn about, but the fight is finally over.

Hopefully nothing like this ever happens again, but humans are notoriously stupid and forgetful so who knows.

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