You Will Shoot Your Eye Out

I came on active duty right at the end of the C-ration era. For those of you who might not have had the pleasure, C-rations, or “C-Rats” for short, were self-contained military meals that came in tin cans. We opened the cans with our nifty little P38 can openers.

You could heat your food right in the can over a cup of sand soaked in jet fuel, hexamine fuel tablets, or a dab of burning C4 plastic explosive. You could also use the empty cans to enhance the feed on your M60 machinegun. The downside was that C-Rats were both heavy and bulky.

A Brave New World

MREs were exotic when they first arrived. They were an evolutionary development of the Vietnam-era Long Range Patrol or LRP ration. They looked like astronaut food. In fact, much of the technology that went into MREs had its origins in the space program.

The first MREs were pretty basic. There were 12 meal options, one of which was legit inedible. They were Ham and Chicken Loaf, Beef Slices in BBQ Sauce, Diced Turkey with Gravy, Diced Beef with Gravy, Frankfurters, Beef Stew, Ground Beef with Spiced Sauce, Ham Slices, Meatballs in BBQ Sauce, Chicken Ala King, and dehydrated Beef and Pork Patties. The wet entrees came sealed in foil pouches.

Each meal included some bizarre crackers. They looked like normal crackers but tasted like building materials. There was typically either peanut butter or some kind of processed synthetic pseudo-cheese as well. Sundry nut cakes and brownies added a little sweet variety.

The accessory pack contained stuff like salt, pepper, freeze-dried coffee, matches and a pair of Chiclets. There was also some toilet paper that was inexplicably cut into tiny little individual squares. Trust me, in an austere environment, a modest roll would have been better.

Freeze Dried Freedom

Those pioneering MREs also included a lot of freeze-dried stuff. Freeze-dried fruit was ambrosia— the food of the gods. In fact, I broke out a vintage example and photographed it for this project. Despite its being older than many serving college professors, I gobbled it right up. You can relax, it had aged well. Dehydrated beef and pork patties, however, were another thing entirely.

The beef patties were okay. You could soak them in water and then warm them up, and they would make a passable hamburger. Sprinkle that into your beans or pin it between those horrible crackers, and it rated a solid decent. The pork patties, however, were simply awful.

Nothing could eat pork patties. I used to have a St. Bernard dog named Beauregard who would eat anything. He once ate an entire box of Ding Dongs that was still in the foil wrappers. The foil showed up right on cue a few days later. He wouldn’t get close to the pork patties.

While I liked the dehydrated stuff myself, it would indeed desiccate you if you didn’t have enough water. As a result, the MRE people eventually phased all that out. I do mourn the passing of dehydrated strawberries. I’ll never forget munching on that stuff at the midpoint of a 15-mile road march. That represented a bright spot in an otherwise fairly bleak day.

Evolution in Action

The world has changed a great deal since 1986, and MREs changed right along with it. There are now 18 different varieties. Modern iterations are varied, tasty and culturally sensitive. There are vegetarian versions as well as the kosher and halal sort. Additionally, each and every meal comes with a neat Flameless Ration Heater (FRH).

This may seem a small thing. It’s not. For the first time in human history, the U.S. military can avail its soldiers of three hot meals a day, anywhere in the world. To use these heaters, you slide the entrée into a plastic pouch and pour in a little water. Fold the top of the pouch over and slip it back into the cardboard container that originally held your entrée. Then, according to the pictograph directions, you lean the whole shebang against a “Rock or Something.” I actually saw one vet who had that diagram tattooed onto his leg. I’m not big on tattoos myself, but that one was undeniably epic.

These flameless heaters also gave off some kind of gas. You could crunch one up, mash it into a water bottle, pour in a little water, and then replace the cap to create a fairly decent DIY bomb. Toss that bad boy underneath a buddy while he’s sleeping or into a porta-john during his quality time and be ready for some top-flight comedy. You can take the boys out of second grade, but you’ll never take the second grade out of the boys.

Modern MREs also include an adorable little bottle of Tabasco sauce. This stuff adds a little flavor to an otherwise bland dining experience. You can also dribble that stuff onto the Yukon stove in your buddy’s tent in the arctic and create poor man’s tear gas. See previous comment about the sophomoric nature of the human male.

I once popped open a fresh case of MREs in the desert only to find one of them swollen up like a big brown toad. With great trepidation, I gently carried it outside the company area and buried it. One of my grunt buddies suggested using it as a pillow. Had it burst, however, the resulting fumes most likely would have killed me outright.

Ruminations

Lamentably, MREs don’t last very long. Mountain House freeze dried food is good for a quarter century if stored in a cool dry place. That makes a much better choice for long-term survival use. However, little is better than fresh MREs for hiking or camping.

It is a soldier’s prerogative to gripe about his food. However, Uncle Sam invested some breathtaking treasure figuring out the best way to feed his troops in the field. In the case of MREs, they actually got input from some respected chefs. The end result, nowadays at least, is quite good. Contract overruns are available on Amazon at about 10 bucks a pop.