You Will Shoot Your Eye Out

Presented, with my own commentary, is “Things No Wife Wants to Hear” from some website I’ve never heard of called BestLifeOnline.

What’s really frustrating about this article is that the things to never say are pretty reasonable (though it could have been cut down to fifteen items).

The explanations, on the other hand, are absolute rubbish, provided by professional therapists who make money by convincing people that they have perpetual problems which can only be fixed with more therapy.

So without further preamble, and in the style of Larry Correia, here’s my take on twenty things to never say or not say to your wife. The original article’s points are in bold, my responses are in italics.

1. You remind me of my mother.
   Yeah, don’t ever do this. Also, don’t say that she reminds you of her mother either. No good can come from either of these sentences.
   
2. Get over it.
   Don’t say this either.
3. Don’t take this personally.
   Look, just don’t say this to anyone, ever. Because any statement that you have to preface with this phrase, the hearer is going to take personally. Better to just not say it.
4. You’re just better with the kids than I am.
   You’re only saying this to get out of something you don’t want to do with the kids. Man up and do it.
5. I want a divorce.
   The article says don’t say this if you’re serious. They’re wrong. Don’t say this. Period. Even as a joke. It’s one of those things that gets inside your brain, and once it’s spoken, even as a joke, it’s going to start percolating back there. This sentence should be entirely obliterated from your conversation, unless you are absolutely, 100% serious about following through.
6. Relax!
   This is just another way of saying “Get over it.” Don’t do it. Why you wanna go through it?
7. Why don’t we have sex like we used to?
   Do you want all sexytime to come to a screeching halt? No? Then don’t ask this. Things change, people get busier. Sex drives adjust. It’s reasonable and healthy to talk about what frequency you’d like to be doing the nasty, but before you to that, take a look in the mirror. Are you still the young stud you were when you two first met? Or have you put on a few pounds, maybe stopped trimming that unibrow as much, and are once again wearing that ratty t-shirt that she keeps telling you she hates? Fix yourself first, then have that conversation.
   Also, women are not automated loving dispensers where if you do the flawless ten steps, you get the same results every time. Sometimes you can do everything right, and something really is going on. But before you jump to that conclusion and start thinking zebras when you hear hoofprints, see the advice above. Look in the mirror. When’s the last time you did the dishes, put away your shirts, or actually did one of those things she keeps asking you to get done? Fix yourself first.
8. You were so hot when we met.
   Key word here: “Were.” Past tense. As in, you’re not that hot anymore, what happened? If you say this, you’re an idiot and deserve to sleep on the couch.
9. Is that what you’re wearing?
   This is another colossally dumb thing to say. If you absolutely must question her choice of attire, frame it in the form of a compliment, i.e. “Honey, you look great, but I’m not sure your black cocktail dress is appropriate for an afternoon BBQ party at Bob’s house.” Either she’ll change, or she’ll tell you why you’re wrong. Either way, shut up and do not proceed further with this conversation.
10. Stop nagging me.
    Maybe she really is nagging you, but the odds are, she isn’t. Shut up, say “Yes, dear” and move on. Better yet, get organized, start a Bullet Journal, and actually start getting things done around the house. Hey, it might solve phrase seven while you’re at it!
11. Yes, that outfit does make you look fat.
    See also when to tell her “Relax”, or “Get over it.”
12. What did you say?
    Now here’s the thing: you really should be paying attention, not half-listening for something important while checking the game scores on your phone. But, it’s better to stop, admit you weren’t listening, and ask her to repeat the past statement, rather than agree to host a play-date with the Millers next weekend because you weren’t really listening, and just mumbled “Okay” to her question. Also, she already knew you weren’t listening. And if you’re only selectively listening to her, why exactly is she supposed to be paying rapt attention to your words?
13. We’re out of money.
    If the budget is empty for the month, she needs to know. Financial responsibility conversations suck, but you absolutely have to have them, regardless of who the spender is. Ignoring the problem or covering it up will only make things worse later.
14. In a minute
    Do you mean you’re actually going to do it as soon as you finish whatever task you’re doing now? Say that. Do you mean you’re going to get to this new thing when Hell freezes over? Don’t say that, but at least acknowledge truthfully that you’re not going to get to it in her immediate timeframe. Also see thing #10. If you just got off your ass and did the thing, you wouldn’t feel like she’s nagging you to do it.
15. Did you finish?
    If you have to ask, you’re doing it wrong.
16. I know I said I would do it, but…
    See #14, In a minute…
17. I’m not attracted to you right now
    See “Yes that makes you look fat”, “I want a divorce”, “Relax”, and “Get over it.”
18. Calm down
    See “I’m not attracted to you right now”, “Yes, that makes you look fat”, “I want a divorce”, “Relax”, and “Get over it.”
19. I have an STD
    Did you get this from a past partner? Then it should have come up WAAAAAAAAY before getting married. Did you get it after you got married? Then you’re an unfaithful dumbass not even smart enough to properly use protection for your idiotic dalliances. Prepare to get screwed in court when the next words out her mouth are “I want a divorce.”
20. Silence
    After all of these things to not say, a reasonable man would conclude that if you are inclined to respond with any of these things, it would better to stay silent. No, says the article, you must say something! So damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you absolutely must say something then, use something honest to buy time like “Can I think about this and get back to you? I’m not prepared to answer that right now.”