
Any discussion involving manipulation between the sexes—however harmless—must be approached with fear and trembling. Creating a humorous piece on the same subject is even more dangerous, so if you never see my name in print again, it will be apparent that someone significant took exception to these lines. Please bow your head and observe a moment of silence, should that become the case.
Wives and Firearms
One of life’s greatest tragedies comes to light when a person utters the words “I’d love to buy that new (insert firearm of your choice), but my wife doesn’t think I should. She thinks (insert any number between two and 2,000) guns is enough.” (Hold on, I need to grab my hankie… Okay, I can see the keyboard again. Thanks for waiting.)

So, here’s the thing: the aforementioned tragedy is completely avoidable. It need not happen at all, to you or any of your buddies. Here’s how to prevent a firearm famine from bleeding your soul dry of the sweet scent of gun oil.
Step 1: You must establish the fact that “X” new firearm is not for you, it is for her (or for him, if you happen to be one of those incredible women who finds firearms fascinating, scintillating and therapeutic, but has a husband who is a cold fish). Here’s a simple example of how this might sound: “Honey, I’ve been thinking… Hey! You’ve done something different with… your hair looks awesome! Anyway, I was thinking we should get you a shotgun. What? Oh, something simple, like a Winchester SX4.”
Step 2: Now that you’ve planted the seed that this new toy–I mean—tool, is for her, you should introduce a need for it: “Yeah, that shotgun could work pretty well as a home-defense firearm, especially if we get it in 12-gauge. And it could double as a duck gun for me, if necessary.” (You’re appealing to her superior multi-tasking prowess here, as well as planting another seed—one that will establish the idea it’s okay for you to use it, too).
Step 3: Ask her how she would like the gun configured. It’s always flattering for a wife to be asked such a question, especially when she knows the biggest rival for her husband’s affection is his infatuation with firearms. Many of our better halves don’t know much about Winchester SX4s, so this is your chance to come gallantly to the rescue, explaining the various attributes and features, detailing why she should order her new gun configured just how you want it, and why pink is a terrible color for firearms. If you play your cards just right, there will soon be a shiny new shotgun resting in the corner. Best of all, for some unfathomable reason, most ladies seem to have about the same memory for guns as I do for designer handbags. Roughly ninety days later, the shotgun will be forgotten, and can be safely transferred to join your other treasures in the gun safe.
Yup, it’s time.
“Honey, I was thinking; a woman as good a shot as you are should have a good self-defense handgun around…”
Better Halves and Hunting
The best hunters I know have wives who send them off with a smile and a kiss for good luck anytime they want to go hunting (if they aren’t hunters themselves). No stern reprimands, withering accusations or invitations to sleep on the couch for these lucky blokes. Nope, their wives actually like their man going hunting. Did they love his hunting addiction from the beginning? Not likely. Usually it’s a learned behavior. For women, it’s a simple matter of logistics.
If you’re the kinda guy who leaves the grass uncut to go hunting, spends money you don’t have on new gear and leaves your dirty camo lying on the floor, you probably have a wife who is more deadly with her glances than you are with your bow or rifle. On the flip side, if you make sure your sweetheart’s “honey-do” list is taken care of, work a little overtime to cover hunting costs, and make a practice of leaving a rose on her pillow, sending love notes to her on the back of a Topo map or taking her out for a romantic date upon your return from a hunting trip, she probably has grown to appreciate your habit. Try it for a season. You might even tell her, “Darlin’, I’m gonna spend some money on this hunt I’ve been dreaming about—why don’t you take a little money, too, and go spend it on yourself.”
She’ll be begging you to go hunting more often.
How to Protect Your Cave Man
A list of sage advice would be remiss if it didn’t include some recommendations for the wives. Here’s the thing, ladies; we guys may be all bluff and manliness on the exterior, but deep down we’re just a bunch of little boys. Things that go bump in the night can make us accidentally swallow our chew of Levi Garrett. In fact, it’s not uncommon for us to hang around the campfire late into the night, simply because there might be a monster hiding under our sleeping bag.
Now, if you’re one of those most awesome creatures on Earth (a girl who likes to hunt), but by some unfortunate twist of fate you fell in love with a man (Can I even call him that?) who doesn’t like to hunt or camp, don’t despair. Here’s what to do to convince your non-hunting husband that you can keep him safe in the woods.

First, demonstrate you can shoot better than him. Many guys are insecure about their ability to make a good shot on a monster, especially when it’s dark. If you prove to him that you can bust more clays, outshoot him with pistols on a dueling tree, and beat the socks off him in a friendly 3-gun match, he’ll feel a lot safer going camping and hunting with you. Especially if you draw little stick-figure monsters on the clays before you load them into the target launcher. Witnessing you blow monsters to bits (even stick figure ones) will calm his nerves considerably.
Second, demonstrate your mastery of the wilderness. As soon as you arrive in the woods, build a fire, start a pot of coffee and set up a tarp shelter for extra gear. Whip out a comfortable camp and get your hunting stuff ready. Be cognizant of the need to demonstrate to your guy that you’re more capable in all things bushcraft than he is, or he won’t feel safe and protected.
Lastly, let him hold your hand when you’re hiking, and cuddle up while you’re sitting around the campfire. He’ll try to make you believe this desire has roots in romanticism, and likely there’s some truth to that. But his primary, primal reasons for holding onto you are safety and protection. I know it’s inconvenient when you’d much rather polish your rifle with a clean, oiled cloth or put a tape on that big buck you just killed, but humor him. He needs you.
Conclusion
I hope you will benefit from the words of wisdom contained herein. It’s been hard-won on the front lines of feminine wiles and manly maneuvers. I’m one of those lucky guys whose wife wishes him good luck when he goes hunting. I’m also the fortunate fellow with a wife who can occasionally outshoot or out-hike him. Best of all, I’m that blessed man with a wife who buys him more new guns than he buys himself.
She even holds my hand and snuggles when we go camping.
Another Yep!

Colonel Cross of the Gurkhas
In the mountains of strife-torn Nepal, some lessons about modern warfare from a British throwback
ROBERT D. KAPLANThe U.S. Army major, who did not wish to be identified, is with the American team trying to help the beleaguered Nepalese monarchy in its campaign against the Maoists, and he and I had traveled to Pokhara to meet a military legend: the retired British army colonel John Philip Cross. Eighty years old, Cross greeted us outside his compound wearing a topi, dark glasses, a smart cravat, pressed shorts, and high woolen socks pulled up nearly to his knees. Those knees, I noticed, were tanned and powerful. He has covered 10,000 miles on foot through the Nepalese hills over the years, and still hikes twelve miles a day. Cross enlisted on April 2, 1943. On June 8, 1944—“D-Day plus two”—he boarded a troop ship for Bombay. Except for short visits to England he has lived in Asia ever since.
Cross is a confirmed bachelor because of “hot blood and cold feet,” he explains. His library of battered books, medals, and kukri knives, each object charged by a memory, is decayed by heat and humidity, for he has no air-conditioning. He sleeps on a spartan bed in the next room.
Now, writing books on irregular warfare and Himalayan history that deserve to be read even though they aren’t, he is a minor and very eccentric offshoot of a British imperial species that reached perfection in the person of the former soldier and literary travel writer Patrick Leigh Fermor, whom I interviewed in Greece in 2002. Both are inveterate walkers: Fermor across Europe, Cross across Nepal.
One cannot think about Nepalese fighting men—whether the Royal Nepalese Army, which is the government force, or the Maoist rebels—without thinking about the fierce and fabled Gurkhas. Throughout my travels with the U.S. military I ruminated on the American effort to raise indigenous troops and use them to project power. The story of the Gurkhas shows that the British were past masters at this.
The term “Gurkha” comes from a British mispronunciation of the town of Gorkha, in western Nepal, where the first units of these warriors were initially raised among Gurungs and Magars, Nepalese tribes of Mongolian origin. Not a true ethnic group, the Gurkhas represent what British officers since the mid-eighteenth century have considered the fighting classes of Nepal. The British first encountered them during the 1814–1816 war between Nepal and the Bengal Presidency of the East India Company. Impressed by their cheerful disposition even when wounded, the British bonded with their erstwhile adversaries. The relationship was solidified during the Indian Mutiny of 1857, when Gurkha recruits to the Indian army declined to revolt and in fact came to the aid of British civilians.
Their shoulders held the sky suspended;
They stood, and earth’s foundations stay;
What God abandoned, these defended,
And saved the sum of things for pay.
“The toughness of Gurkha skulls is legendary,” writes the historian Byron Farwell. In 1931, on the North West Frontier, when a mess mule kicked a Gurkha havildar in the head with his iron-shod hooves, “the havildar complained of a headache and that evening wore a piece of sticking plaster on his forehead,” according to Farwell. “The mule went lame.”
I found the old Gurkhas a haunting presence, because they were sharpened, refined, exaggerated forms of the Marines and soldiers I had been befriending and describing in previous travels. There was something indisputably antique about these gentlemen warriors, who told me their life stories under a black-and-white photograph of Queen Elizabeth II. To call them Kiplingesque would be to cheapen them; they were practically out of the Iliad.
Balbasdar Basnet, a retired corporal in his seventies, was the most memorable of them. He had joined the Gurkha Rifles of the British army when he was sixteen. His shriveled, nut-brown face was capped by a topi. He had teeth on the right side of his mouth only, and his raspy voice fought against time.
Balbasdar was from a village so impoverished that he’d never tasted tea before joining the army. After basic training he served for eight months on the North West Frontier, guarding the border against “Pathans” (he used the nineteenth-century British term for what today we call Pushtuns). From there he went to Bombay, and then by ship to northwest Malaya for three months of jungle training, just as World War II was gathering force. Finally he fought the Japanese in close combat.
“Were you scared?” I asked.
“No, I was thinking only to do and die.” He actually said that.
For fifteen days he and other Gurkhas marched in the jungle, retreating from a much larger force of Japanese. He was taken prisoner early in the war, and for four years subsisted on beatings and 200 grams of rice a day, moving around among labor camps in Malaya, Java, Sumatra, and New Guinea, wearing nothing more than a loincloth. Hiroshima liberated him from his sufferings, he told me. Suddenly he was being fed and clothed, and a few weeks later New Zealand troops arrived to formally liberate him. Proud to have served Her Majesty, he told me.
“Late-nineteenth-century warfare never stopped,” Colonel Cross told me, “though it was masked for a time by the Cold War emphasis on atomic bombs. And in this type of warfare that you Americans must master, only two things count: the mystic dimension of service and the sanctity of an oath. It’s about the giving of one’s best when the audience is of the smallest.
“Now take your Gurkha,” he went on, motioning toward Buddhiman Gurung, his beloved adopted son, who has been with him for twenty-eight years, and whose family the colonel has also adopted. “He’s a hungry peasant with a knife who is out for the main chance. There are none finer. I placed these western hillsmen in the Singapore police, and they never failed me. The Mongoloid doesn’t die easily. Plainsmen will never defeat such people in hill battles without field artillery. Clausewitz said as much.”
This was all bad news for the Royal Nepalese Army, I thought, though Colonel Cross was careful not to make explicit political statements, given his circumstances: the Maoists are in the hills nearby, and government forces are down the street. The fact is that the Maoists come from the same sturdy hill tribes that Cross recruited for decades, while many of the RNA’s forces are softer plainsmen and can’t employ artillery, because even a handful of civilian casualties would ignite protests from the international community. Moreover, the Maoists are fortified by “the mystic dimension of service and the sanctity of an oath,” whereas RNA recruits—aside from some specialized units—join for a salary and a career.
Of course, Colonel Cross is a throwback. His outlook and manner of expression can be brutal, almost perverse. He is living in a threatened backwater of the only country he can call his own. Still, there was a certain cruel logic in his pronouncements.
“It’s not about sugarcoated bullets and dispensing condoms in PXes,” he said. “You can’t fight properly until you know that you are going to die anyway. That’s extreme, but that’s the gold standard. You don’t join the army to wipe your enemy’s ass. You join to kill, or for you yourself to be killed, and above all to have a good sense of humor about it.”
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