FORT IRWIN, Calif. — The US Army has been experimenting with new HMMWV technology that people with limited imagination are calling “a gamechanger.”
According to sources, the Army has discovered that a HMMWV driven at exactly 88 miles per hour and hitting a bump just right will travel through time. Physicists say that the suspension on the “hummers” is so bad and the weight of the vehicle such that the impact with the bump generates exactly 1.21 jigawatts of kinetic energy for 54 nanoseconds.
The revelation occurred during a routine National Guard training exercise at Fort Irwin when soldiers were doing soldier things and decided to remove the governor from the Humvee.
The driver of the vehicle, Spc. Johnson Jacob Johnson, said, “The vehicle shook more than a $50 washing machine with a stripper on top. But we were bored and were trying to see if it could do 100. The next thing I knew, we were back in 1985!”
“Listen, I know it sounds crazy, and we didn’t think you could even get a Hummer to go that fast,” said Sgt. Timothy Malane, one of the passengers. “But one second we were driving around the Mojave Desert and the next thing we knew, Reagan was President. It was kind of wild to realize that we are still driving HMMWVs just like they did back in the 80s. They had M16s, too, and here we are still rocking those. Huh,” he said with a faraway look.
While some soldiers have expressed excitement at the possibility of time travel, others have expressed concern about the potential consequences of messing with the space-time continuum.
“I mean, what if we accidentally go back in time and mess something up?” said Pvt. Janet Bertnarack. “What if we go back in time and accidentally step on a butterfly, and then we come back, and there’s no more Waffel House?”
The Air Force has expressed disappointment with the Army’s slowness, stating that they have had their own time-traveling technology for years.
“Where do you think all those [unidentified aerial phenonmenons] that keep messing with the Navy come from?” a flag officer who requested anonymity said.
Despite these concerns, the Army plans to continue testing the HMMWV time travel technology, though officers have yet to make the journey, claiming it’s too dangerous for anyone but enlisted men and women.
“We’re really excited about the potential of this technology,” said Natick Army Labs engineer Col. Frank Thompson. “Imagine being able to fix mistakes before they even happen. We could stop the development of the Bradley before it’s too late, or prevent the Army Combat Uniform from ever happening.”
As for the soldiers who have already traveled through time, many of them have expressed a desire to go back and visit their favorite historical periods.
“I can’t wait to go back and see the dinosaurs,” said Pvt. Mary Leakey. “I mean, as long as we don’t get eaten or anything.”
And also, Doug got to punch 2nd Lt. Mark Milley in the face on our last trip. Though he did lose his phone in the fight. So we think he might have accidentally invented the smartphone.”
When asked about the potential for less beneficial effects on the fabric of time and space, one engineer responded, “We’ll leave that up to the nerds in the Space Force or whatever. I can’t wait to go back and find out who killed JFK.”
“And watch out, Baby Hitler!”
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
“You wouldn’t know it by watching the news or listening to the haters. But on crime, Mayor Lightfoot’s got a plan.” At least, that’s what a commercial touting Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot and her campaign for reelection would have you believe. Lightfoot is running for a second term in a tight mayoral race that culminates on February 28, with a potential April 4 run-off.
It’s no wonder that the progressive mayor is striving to give the impression that she’s got a grip on public safety. The Windy City’s surge in crime over the last few years has been stunning even by hardened big-city standards.
Chicago Police Department (CPD) statistics for the week ending on February 19 reveal that reported crime overall is up 55% so far this year as compared to 2022; the rise is even more shocking when compared with 2021, with a 107% jump in crime year-over-year. Every major crime category tracked by the CPD, with the exception of murder and “shooting incidents,” shows double- or even triple-digit increases over the last two years. Vehicle thefts have skyrocketed, accelerating by an incredible 255% between 2021 and 2023.
This coincides with what one source describes as a downward trajectory for arrest rates over the last two decades, with CPD officers making arrests in just 12% of crimes reported in 2021; for “index crimes” (like homicide, sexual assault, robbery, burglary and aggravated battery/assault), the overall arrest rate was less than 6%.
These crime statistics haven’t gone unnoticed by residents – the “haters” dismissed by the Lightfoot campaign. A recent poll of Chicago voters shows that, by a very large margin, “crime and personal safety” is the most pressing concern, with 44% of respondents ranking it as their “most important issue” (the number two spot trails behind at 13%). When asked, “how safe do you personally feel from gun violence and crime in Chicago?,” more than half of likely voters said they felt either “not too safe” (28%) or “not safe” (33%). Only four percent replied they felt “very safe.”
Two-thirds of voters are also unhappy with progressive prosecution policies. Sixty-seven percent replied they disapproved “of the way the criminal justice system in Chicago handles those who are arrested for certain violent crimes such as carjacking, armed robbery or home invasion.”
Speaking at her 2019 inauguration, Mayor Lightfoot described her new “unified strategy to prevent violence and promote public safety.” “People cannot …and should not …live in neighborhoods that resemble a war zone,” she said, adding that “[p]ublic safety must not be a commodity that is only available to the wealthy.” Since then, of course, crime has spiraled upwards, and it’s been reported that Lightfoot and her family have been protected by a special police security detail of approximately 71 officers, plus the mayor’s “separate personal bodyguard detail” of 20 officers.
For ordinary citizens without access to a personal police army, the recourse is the Second Amendment and safeguarding one’s own security. “It’s the reason why you’ve seen the increase in gun sales… Because people realize that the police and law enforcement broadly isn’t being allowed – the criminal justice system isn’t being allowed – to go and do its job,” observes Dr. John Lott, president and founder of the Crime Prevention Research Center. Just this month, there have been at least two instances where lawfully armed citizens thwarted crime in Chicago. The first is that of an 80-year-old man, recovering from surgery, who reportedly fought and shot a home invader breaking into his home, leaving a “13-time felon in critical condition.” In the second, a concealed carry holder at his home apprehended an alleged burglar (with two active felony warrants) and held him at gunpoint until the police arrived.
The mayor’s plans for a safer Chicago, both in 2019 and looking ahead today, won’t include recognizing the gun rights of responsible citizens. Lightfoot speaks of firearms as if they are divorced from the criminals that use them, and has called for more “sweeping and aggressive gun control” at the federal level, including a ban on AR-15s. After Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex.) pointed to Chicago’s crime rates as evidence that gun control and disarming law-abiding citizens don’t work, Lightfoot shot back that the majority of guns seized in Chicago were from out of state, “mostly from states dominated by coward Republicans like you,” as if crime was entirely a problem of guns, not criminals. (Readers may decide for themselves which narrative best fits the recent case of a Chicago criminal with two pending felony cases – one for armed violence – who allegedly traveled to Indiana, cut off his ankle monitor, and was caught in Illinois with another gun.)
Politicians of all stripes are notorious for making ridiculously extravagant campaign promises, and in that spirit the mayor’s reelection ad is free to boast that “Lightfoot won’t quit until we’re the safest big city in America.” For Chicago’s beleaguered residents who have been watching the news – as well as being attacked, robbed, carjacked, and burgled – well, talk is cheap, and maybe the criminals are paying attention.
The Colt BOA was only made in limited numbers for a single year, then sold through a single distributor, making it probably the most elusive and desirable of the company’s double-action revolvers.
Between 1950 and 2003, Colt delivered to wheel gun aficionados a series of seven now-classic “snake” guns: Cobra, Python, Diamondback, Viper, BOA, King Cobra, and Anaconda. Some of these were more popular and widespread, such as the Diamondback, which was made in both .22 LR and .38 Special, while some were less frequently encountered, such as the Anaconda, which was made in .44 Mag and .45 Colt. For seekers of the seven serpents, however, a couple of these guns are almost impossible to find: the Viper, which was just a regular catalog item for Colt in 1977, and the BOA, which is even rarer.
Gun writer Jim Weller, who reviewed the BOA for American Handgunner in 1986, detailed that Colt had originally intended to produce the six-shot .357 Magnum double-action revolver to fall between the standard Mark V Trooper and the top-shelf hand-built Python, blending the features of both guns. The frame and action are that of a Trooper while the distinctive full-lug barrel is a Python trait. Call it a dressed-up Mark V or a budget Python, it was unique.
Eschewing adding it to their catalog, Colt elected to just deliver the entire factory run of some 1,200 of these crossover revolvers to distributor Lew Horton of Southborough, Massachusetts, in 1985, with limited edition consecutive serial numbers running from BOA1 to BOA1200. Of those, half of the revolvers used 4-inch barrels while the other half had 6-inch barrels. Horton also packaged one of each barrel length in 100 cased sets, meaning only 500 individual 4-inch and 500 corresponding 6-inch guns were sold.
Standard features on the BOA were the same Accro-style sights and Royal Blue finish of the Python, and a wide, target-style trigger with three grooves. Grips were checkered rosewood with a smooth backstrap and gold rampant Colt medallion inserts. The asking price from Horton at the time was $525, typically right at or just slightly under that of a new Python, making them attractive for buyers.
For the record, Weller took his T&E gun out to the range and was not disappointed by its accuracy, printing 125-grain JHP .357 pills in 2.5-inch groups at 25 yards “with disgusting regularity.” He did note that the lockup was not as tight as a Python and had a small amount of play in the cylinder, but in the end said of the BOA, “I don’t know whether or not those who buy one will actually shoot it, but it does make a good showing on the range.”
The thing is, once Horton was sold out of the BOA, that was it. Colt never revisited the concept. There weren’t any custom shop guns that were later turned out in small batches. No leftover parts were made up into new BOAs in the 1990s – such as what occurred with the Viper. Nada. Just 1,200 BOAs, and it’s a wrap.
If you think of vintage Colt snake guns as being Corvettes, the BOA is something akin to the Stingray L88 series. Sure, there are faster ‘Vettes (ZR1), examples that are more mechanically interesting (the ’57 Arkus-Duntov-era car with Ramjet injection), some that are arguably prettier (’63 split-window), and more comfortable – it didn’t even have an option for air conditioning or power steering – but the L88 is incredibly rare, with just 216 driving out of the factory over a three-year run. The odds of finding an L88 for sale in good condition are incredibly low. The same can be said of the BOA, now over 35 years out of production.
In short, BOAs, for Colt revolver fans especially, are the missing piece to many collections, which makes them, for many, the most charming of the snake guns.
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