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Category: Well I thought it was funny!
As of writing, the United States has 1 Gold Medal in the Olympic shooting category, putting us in 3rd place behind China and South Korea. To say I am ashamed and embarrassed is to put it lightly. This is America, dammit! As a nation without free healthcare, guns are kind of all we have. We need to win this.
We need to send our best.
There’s various archetypes in every Marine platoon that you can always count on to be there. We’ve covered many of them before, but one of them is the lanky white redneck that can gut any animal, hit any target, and sleep with any one of his cousins. He’s been building his own guns out of rusty pipes and firecrackers since he was a kid, making him an expert in the shooting arts.
Today is the day we call upon him to bring us home the gold. We need you, lanky hillbilly guy.
BabylonBee.com
BUTLER, PA — The world of American politics was rocked by newly released footage from the attempted assassination of Donald Trump which clearly shows the shooter standing on the roof while holding a huge sign that reads, “I’M GOING TO SHOOT TRUMP”.
The video depicts the would-be assassin, who the Internet has lovingly nicknamed “Ree Tardy Oswald,” dancing around on the roof, waving his AR-15 in the air, and prominently flashing a sign detailing his intentions of shooting Trump as several Secret Service agents looked on, scratching their heads in bafflement as to his possible intentions.
Secret Service member Jeff Galveston, clearly visible in the video, later said ascertaining the shooter’s true intentions was much harder in real life.
“It was just so hard to see what exactly he was trying to do,” Galveston recalled. “I personally wasn’t sure whether or not he may have been crossing his fingers behind the sign, you know? There was absolutely no way for me to be sure, so I just had to let the event play out. It was just so mysterious — how were we supposed to know that a guy with a sign saying ‘I’m going to shoot Trump’ had any intention of actually shooting Trump?”
“It’s unthinkable! I just couldn’t imagine it.”
The video sparked even more outrage over the Secret Service’s lack of action on President Trump’s behalf because it shows several bystanders pointing the sign out to baffled agents. “He is holding a sign that says he’s going to shoot Trump! Why aren’t you doing anything?” one unidentified bystander is heard saying.
At publishing time, another bombshell video revealed that the Trump shooter had set up a booth with the placard “I’m going to shoot Trump. Ask me how!” on the rally grounds over three hours before the incident.
Never heard of the ‘Quiet Professionals’? Who is this beta?
CORONADO, CA — Navy SEAL Jason Galloway was visibly shaken yesterday after discovering that local bartender, Gary Wilson, had never once in his life heard of the Navy SEALs. Galloway, six years into his tenure with SEAL Team 5, was attempting to regale Wilson with tales of his escapades, from serving as a technical advisor on the CBS drama “SEAL Team” to “pulling” at bars in the gaslamp quarter of San Diego to his appearance on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, when he noted the blank expression on Wilson’s face.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Galloway. “My brothers and I have given our blood, sweat, and tears sacrificing for the people of this country to build our brand, and this is the thanks we get?”
Asked about the incident, Wilson, a 26-year-old law student and part-time bartender from Lincoln, Nebraska said, “When he first started describing his job, it sounded like he was some kind of hybrid actor/influencer/personal trainer type-thing. He kept insisting that, ‘There’s no fucking way you haven’t heard of us, bro!’
When he mentioned shooting guns I thought I had figured it out so I asked him, ‘Oh, you mean you’re like Rambo?’ and that just seemed to make him angrier. He kept talking about carrying boats and I got even more confused. I suggested he move to Hollywood because it seemed to align with his goals, to which he replied, ‘Oh believe me if only big Navy would let us.”
The back and forth included Galloway showing Wilson his Instagram following, a manuscript for his book “The Warrior Way”, and pictures of his Yeti cooler collection he supposedly got for free.
“It’s disheartening,” said Galloway, “all the movies, shows, video games, and interviews, the work we have done in the name of recognition and clout, it’s obvious that we still have so much work to do to win the hearts, minds, and attention of the people of this country.”
Galloway said he will go into greater detail about the incident on the upcoming episode 286 of his podcast: The Frogman Forge, available on Spotify and YouTube, as well as various podcasts of his fellow SEALs, where he will be a guest in the coming week.
Robert Campbell assures you the only easy day was yesterday unless you’re smart and capable of learning from your mistakes in which case tomorrow might actually be easier.
