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The Green Machine Well I thought it was funny!

Veterans advise hurricane relief recipients on Rat-Fucking MREs

“People may have been evacuated by soldiers, but they don’t have to eat like them.”

TAMPA, Fla. — As part of relief efforts for Hurricane Milton, a group of veterans is helping survivors with emergency meals by teaching them some time-honored, little-known, and somewhat controversial meal modification skills from the military.

The “Rat-Fuck Rations” group, or RFR, organized by former Army Spc. Greg Downey teaches residents the bespoke skill of rifling through crates of Meals, Ready to Eat (or MREs) to seize the most coveted menu items without getting caught. Observers agree it’s a set of skills that local, state, and federal emergency responders can’t provide and probably never projected to need.

Military members know that MREs consist of menu items ranging from the revolting to the relatively palatable. Usually, a soldier eats whatever meal a soldier gets. Rummaging through MRE packets in search of the best menus or items is regarded as a selfish act. But Downey said those rules don’t apply to civilians. “People may have been evacuated by soldiers, but they don’t have to eat like them,” he said.

“Doesn’t it just break your heart to imagine the hurricane survivors reaching into a crate of MREs for a nourishing meal,” Downey said, “and pulling out the Veggie Omelet?” The thought of it led Downey to form RFR.

Downey acknowledged that veterans usually volunteer their medical, communications, search-and-rescue, or other life-saving skills in times of disaster. But, he said, conjuring up a halfway decent meal with ingredients most Americans would find terrible is the only useful service-related skill for many veterans.

“We can still offer what I like to call quality of life-saving skills,” he said.

Under Downey’s supervision, RFR is teaching everything from basic rat-fucking or being first at the crate to rifle for the Chili Macs to advanced techniques like cutting open the packages quickly and snagging select menu pouches without slicing your own fingers.

“With our classes,” said Downey, “any eater can walk away with their pockets stuffed with jalapeño cheese spread and leave everyone else none the wiser.”

Sarah Schultz, director of local FEMA relief coordination, appreciates the RFR for enthusiasm.

“The people we help are grateful for any meal, so not sure why you military guys make a big deal of MRE selections,” she said. “We told Downey he could stay, and he broke down two pallets of MREs way faster than anybody. So that was cool,” Schultz added.

Despite the negative military connotations, Downey maintains that rat fucking goes back to the Army’s old “C-Rations” and has contributed to evacuations all the way back to Vietnam.

“Consider how we’re passing on military traditions,” he said, “if there are vegetarian civilians who actually want the Veggie Omelette MRE, everybody wins.”

However, RFR has limited capacity with the veterans on hand. Downey is overcoming that hurdle by developing “train-the-rat fuck trainer” classes for FEMA and local response groups.

Schultz supports expanding the extra help.

“All my people are thoroughly exhausted,” she said. “As long as Downey and his guys keep breaking down pallets of MREs, they can teach whatever they want.”

Bull Winkle is also an amateur phrenologist and is available to make your next birthday, wedding, or international conflict-solving conference super fun.

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Well I thought it was funny!

They rightfully did’nt trusted that “Howdy Doodily, Neighbor” shit.

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Well I thought it was funny!

Oh well, no great loss!

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All About Guns Well I thought it was funny! Well I thought it was neat!

Bustamonte, I Hate You By Skeeter Skelton

The twin cities of Nogales, Sonora, and Nogales, Arizona, are hot in autumn, and this story started in the heart of the Mexican twin on a sweaty September day in 1951.

Stop for a minute and let a balding middle-ager recall that once upon a time a hasty shine on his spurworn boots, clean Levis, and a few silver pesos in his pocket were all that was required to enjoy a day and night in that friendly border town, and to relax at the end of a week of far riding on a U.S. Border Patrol broomtail. After cooperating with a slug or two of Jose Cuervo tequila bracketed by salt, I ventured forth this fall day to inspect the action around the big shady plaza.

The only thing moving seemed to be a plump traffic policeman, all brass and starched khaki. I lonesomely aimed toward him, figuring on practicing my Spanish.

All thoughts of linguistic betterment left me when I saw the sixgun at his hip. It was a short-barreled Colt single-action in almost new factory condition.

In my most flowery Tex-Mex I inquired if the officer’s sidearm was for sale. It was not. Many turistas had offered him much money for his gun, “but a police official must be armed, senor.” Would the Captain (he was a corporal) consider a trade?

His eyes were those of a Spanish conqueror about to loot a Mayan temple. Drawing himself erect and haughtily sucking in his belly, he proclaimed, “It would require a new .38 Special to exchange for my pistol–a new Smith y Wesson.”

I reached inside my shirt and handed him my gun so fast he probably thought I was throwing down on him. It was a brand-new Smith Heavy Duty .38-44, topped off with a fifteen-dollar pair of Lew Sanderson’s custom grips. No more conversation was necessary. A bargain had been struck.

My prize was a beautifully casehardened and blued Model P Colt in .41 Long Colt caliber–not the best for my law enforcement tasks. But I later rebarreled it to .45 Colt and toted it many a horseback mile, trailing up illegally entered aliens in the Santa Cruz river valley of Arizona. I had hated to lose my big Smith & Wesson .38, but the fatter slug of the .45 I wound up with was much more authoritative. Having cut my teeth on a Colt thumbbuster, I was infinitely more comfortable with the new hogleg and damned grateful to get it.

Everyone knows how tough it was to get single-actions between ’41 and ’55, when Colt knuckled under and started making them again. It seemed to me at the time that all the well-heeled Fancy Dans in the world were conspiring against me to take every existing Colt Model P out of circulation and hang them on a wall somewhere. My success with the Nogales cop planted a seed in my mind, and a hungry gun hunt began.

My trail led me into Mexico several times a year, and I started making the most of these safaris, asking everyone I could buttonhole if they knew anyone who had an old gun. At first, I was met with suspicion and innocent-eyed avowals that “the people around here don’t carry guns, senor.”

There was a new federal arms registration law in effect. I knew of no one who was complying with it, but to have a stranger come out of the sunset and ask you point blank if you had a gun was a disquieting experience, requiring cautious answers. It took tact, patience, a few funny stories over a bottle of beer, and finally a display of multi-colored Mexican bank notes to get the ball rolling in each new village I hit. But each one yielded up guns. Guns like I had never seen before.

They showed me Remington derringers in .41 Rimfire. Colt percussion revolvers, converted to cartridge use, were retired from service as tackhammers and stovepokers to tempt the crazy American gunbuyer. Enough old ’66, ’73, ’92, and ’94 Winchesters to make a picket fence around a hill country goat ranch were dug out and offered up. I didn’t buy any of ’em.

Displaying the business acumen that has kept me broke all my life, I stayed doggedly with the single purpose that had inspired me. My meager supply of cash went only for good specimens of Colt Model Ps and Bisleys. The other jewels that any of today’s collectors would swap their left ventricles for were proudly rejected.

When my money began to run out, I took my sidekick, Curley Barrett, into the deal. Loading a camp outfit consisting of a couple of bedrolls, dutch oven and coffee pot, and a Collins machete, we mounted up my old pickup and headed for the backcountry towns and ranches that sparsely dotted the Sonoran desert.

In Magdelena, we contacted Ignacio Flores, the Comandante of Police. Ignacio, known locally as The Owl, had talked to me before and knew what I was after. He wore a nickeled Colt .38 Special that Curley and I had presented him earlier, and his fierce cavalry moustaches, buckskin jacket, and pinch-crowned Stetson combined with the showy sixgun to make him look like an ad for a Pancho Villa movie.

“I have had my men searching for the pistolas tejanas you like,” said The Owl. “It is mysterious to me why you should want them, but it gives me pleasure to present you with these.” Digging in his desk drawer, the Chief handed Curley and me each a rusty single-action. Mine was a .32-20 without a front sight. Its cracked rubber grips were stuck to the grip frame with strips of dried rawhide, rather than a screw.

Curley made out a little better, scoring a .44-40 with 7½-inch barrel and minute traces of the original nickel. Lacking a bolt spring, its cylinder spun like a slot machine tumbler, and the trigger was sprung far forward, complaining of a broken sear.

These clunkers would have sold for $75 in a Phoenix hockshop, and we happily added them to our horde for future rebuilding. As we passed the evening over a few watercooled bottles of Carta Blanca, I pumped the Chief.

“I have been paying two hundred to four hundred pesos ($25 to $50 at the 1951 rate of exchange) for these guns, but they are hard to find. Should I offer more money?”

The old policeman growled and fixed me with his pale green stare. “You throw away your money like a gringo tourist. Pay 40 pesos–never more than 80. I will send my cabo to guide you to the ranch people and prevent you from being cheated.”

The grinning corporal was Gabriel Rascon, a tough old cowboy-turned-cop who carried an S&W .32-20 and bore the scars of several knife and gun battles. Happy to get off his village beat for a few days, and to tank up on our stateside groceries, he directed us on a 100-kilometer jaunt through mesquite jungle over roads that degenerated frequently into nothing more than rocky cow trails. My pickup sighed with relief when we camped for the first night of our quest. We had traveled hardly farther than a good day’s horseback ride from town. We had seen no people; we had ruined a new tire; we had bought no Colts.

While Gabriel hacked up a supply of dead mesquite with my machete, Curley trimmed the steaks with an old Marine Corps bowie and muttered to himself that if he had wanted a tour of the brush country, he would have stayed in Arizona.

Late that night, two horsemen rode into our camp and squatted around our fire over coffee and cigarettes. Warmed with shots of bourbon between coffees, their eyes lighted when Gabriel explained our mission. There were plenty of the old revolvers we wanted among their neighbors. If we would meet them at the ranch of Francisco Bustamonte the next morning, they would have all their friends who owned such guns on hand to sell them to us.

Believe it or not, that’s just what happened. Dawn saw us breakfasting on mesquite-fried bacon and eggs. Two hours of washboard roads took us to a dry riverbed, where we got stuck in the fine sand and were extracted by a passing merchant’s Jeep. Another hour had us at Francisco Bustamonte’s place, where several timid farmers waited to haggle prices and finally supply us with seven or eight old Colts in varying stages of disrepair.

Pleased at the unusual visit of a couple of foreigners, Senor Bustamonte had a stout lunch served up and, by way of dessert, volunteered that he, too, was the owner of an old pistol that he would like to show us.

It turned out to be an absolutely mint condition .44 Russian Model P Colt with 5½-inch barrel and carved ivory grips. It would have been mint, that is, except for one small item. Deep, rude scratches, looking like they had been made with a horseshoe nail, sprawled across the entire length of the right side of the frame, proudly emblazoning the owner’s name, “FRANCISCO BUSTAMONTE,” and ruining what would have otherwise been one of the finest specimens of single-actions in existence.

Even though my stomach tightened at the sight of the mutilated finish on the lovely sixshooter, I wanted it badly. It developed that our host wanted a .38 Super Colt equally as badly. He had only kept it all these years because it was the gift of an official of the State Judicial Police in the Sonora Capitol, Hermosillo. This friend had confiscated it from some culprit or other and presented it to the rancher, who had politely kept it wrapped in oily rags ever since the horrible engraving job was completed.

On my promise of buying him a spanking new .38 Super the next time he visited Tucson, Francisco handed over his .44, and Gabriel led a couple of happy gringo gunbugs back to Magdalena.

Before returning home, we queried Comandante Ignacio Flores about the whereabouts of all the handguns that his department had doubtlessly taken from arrested criminals over the years. The Owl replied that all such weapons were surrendered to the Comandante of the State Judicial Police in Hermosillo. With his own eyes, he had seen a large trunk filled with these pistols, lying in a remote corner of the state office.

Happy with out booty, Curley and I returned to Arizona and law enforcement chores. A lot of swapping and rebuilding of our Mexican booty turned us into the best armed sidegunners in our circle. It kept us so busy, in fact, that while we frequently pondered the idea, we never got around to driving the short distance to Hermosillo for a look at the State Police trunk.

Three years went by before the urge hit me again to dip my net into the Mexican Colt cornucopia. By then, I was badge-toting in Texas, and it was a long drive to get back to my old, familiar Sonora stomping grounds.

With a comfortable camping rig, my gun-bitten buddy, Curt Barclay, and I loaded up on biscuit mix, booze, and pesos in Yuma, Arizona, and entered Sonora at San Luis. The then-unpaved road was a tire-eatin’ sonofagun, but we got to Sonoita, took care of our Mexican tourist permits, and worked our way slowly to that pleasant little pueblo, Caborca.

An inquiry for guns met the polite reply, “Sorry, senor, but you are too late. I sold my grandfather’s pistol to some American gentlemen who come here every month, buying guns.” My informant exhibited the business card of a well-known Phoenix gun dealer. “The gentlemen left this card and said to write them when I can locate more of the old pistols. They said no matter what I am offered for guns I find, to sell only to them. They promise to pay more than anyone else.”

The bubble had burst. All along the lonely road, through Santana and on to the capitol, the story was the same. Commercial buyers had stepped in and were stripping out the old guns in efficient and businesslike fashion.

Curt and I found not a thumbbuster until we reached Hermosillo. There, a young cop conspired with us to find two old rebuilders for Curt, who wanted to make up a fancy pair. An old friend of mine, highly placed in the State Judicial Police, was out of town, and we were unable to verify the existence of that outfit’s trunkful of goodies.

On the long drive home, I reflected that I wasn’t sorry. I had only searched Mexico for the guns that I, personally, would put to use. Turning my trips into moneymaking ventures would have taken the fun out of them. I had gotten the guns I wanted for myself. I had seen a lot of far country and made some new friends. Only one real regret bugged me.

That dad-blasted Francisco Bustamonte and his horseshoe nail had ruined the best damned single-action I ever saw!

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All About Guns Well I thought it was funny! You have to be kidding, right!?!

WHAT IF ZOMBIES SHOW UP IN CARS? By Will Dabbs, MD

“What do you need all those guns for, anyway?”

Many the gun nerd’s dreams have been crushed by that simple query. I have myself fielded that very question on numerous occasions. I like to think I’ve gotten fairly good at it.

Have you ever worked on a car? A box wrench is a lousy tool for removing screws, and a hammer renders suboptimal service cleaning your battery terminals. When it comes to automotive maintenance, there are different tools for different tasks. So it is in the gun world as well.

A specialized gun for a specialized role is always a good idea — or a good excuse to buy a cool gun!

If you are scooting out to the local Shop-n-Grab to pick up a gallon of milk and some unmentionables for your wife, then you need a pocket gun you can drop into your cargo shorts. If you want to kill a lazy Saturday afternoon transforming .22 into noise then you need a handy rimfire and a bunch of empty Coke cans. If you’re securing your hacienda against bipedal predators, then a SAINT AR-15 is your go-to iron. But what if zombies show up driving cars?

It’s not as ludicrous as it sounds. The 5.56mm is a proven social cartridge, but it doesn’t pack a great deal of downrange horsepower. If you live way out in the sticks as do I then it might be half an hour between dialing 911 and having the cavalry roar up the drive. To help me pass those 30 long minutes I want something with some reach that will reliably punch deep. That means .30-caliber power and Springfield Armory awesome. I fill that niche with a tricked-out M1A SOCOM 16.

Will fitted a muzzle adapter for his quick-detach flash suppressor mount onto his gas block so he could attach a suppressor.

Origins

The 7.62x51mm M14 served on the front lines for about a decade. An interim design between John Cantius Garand’s World War II masterpiece and Gene Stoner’s space age wondergun, the M14 offered a proven reliable autoloading action fed by a detachable box magazine. The inimitable ergonomics and downrange horsepower made it a true rifleman’s rifle while keeping it in military service in one capacity or another for more than half a century.

Will’s suppressor of choice for the project was a Silent Legion Multi-Caliber Suppressor Kit that can work with both 7.62mm and 5.56mm guns.

Springfield Armory offers the basic M14 platform in a bewildering array of configurations as the semi-automatic M1A. The most advanced in my opinion is the SOCOM 16 CQB. Featuring John Garand’s classic action nestled within an optimized Archangel polymer stock, the SOCOM 16 CQB makes this venerable rifle competitive with any modern iron.

My SOCOM came with a Vortex Venom red dot sight and a flared magazine well for fast reloads. The safety is still a pivoting tab in the front of the trigger guard that doesn’t care which hand you favor. The charging handle reciprocates with the bolt so you can manhandle the thing in the profoundly unlikely event of a stoppage. M-LOK slots allow copious accessorizing, while generous sling sockets enhance portage. With this as a starting point, I took my SOCOM to the next level. You know, for those zombies in cars.

Will rounded out the package with a Magpul hand stop and a Streamlight TLR-8 combination light and laser.

Tactical Enhancements

I have a Silent Legion Multi Caliber Suppressor Kit that includes a high-efficiency .30-caliber sound suppressor and four different mounts for both 5.56mm and 7.62mm weapons. Thread mounts affix directly, while proprietary flash suppressor mounts make quick attachment and detachment a snap. The problem is that the threads on the SOCOM muzzle are a bit non-standard.

The muzzle device on the SOCOM is a stubby little ventilated thing that does a splendid job of mitigating the chaos up front. However, I wanted to mount up my quick-detach flash suppressor. That took a little searching.

You can find most anything on GunBroker. A professionally executed muzzle adapter that fits painlessly onto my gas block and sports standard 5/8×24 threads set me back $60. Mounting the thing up took maybe 10 minutes, even swapping over the luminous front sight blade. Tighten it down and the gas plug keeps everything snug. A spot of thread locker and the flash suppressor mount is there for the duration.

With this SOCOM 16 set up, Will was ready to take on that caravan of zombies — or just have an excuse for buying a bunch of fun stuff.

I added a Magpul hand stop and a Streamlight TLR-8 combination light and laser to complete the ensemble. The hand stop puts my weak hand in the same spot every time, while the TLR-8 dispels the darkness and keeps me on target day or night. Thus equipped, I am ready for any reasonable threat as well as most of the unreasonable sorts as well.

Ruminations

My tricked out SOCOM 16 sits alongside my favorite 5.56mm black rifle as well as a 9mm carbine ready to defend the household, come what may. Just like car maintenance, I grab the best tool for the task. Keeping sharp on them all takes practice, but it’s not like that’s work. If you live in the sort of place where the zombies might wear soft body armor and show up in a caravan, a nicely accessorized SOCOM 16 is just the right tool — or just a really cool gun to own. I’ll leave it to you to decide.

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All About Guns Ammo Well I thought it was funny!

Rigby .470 Nitro Express vs. a pineapple

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Ammo Well I thought it was funny!

The .454 Casull

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Well I thought it was funny! Well I thought it was neat!

Doc Dabbs has again escaped his long suffering spouses supervision again!

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Well I thought it was funny!

I’d eat there

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Well I thought it was funny!

I always wondered about these guys who stayed out in the woods on purpose