If you’re anything like me, you’re tired of reading handgun recommendations that can be summed up as “small and pink.” After all, smaller handguns are harder to control, not easier, as many handgun neophytes seem to assume. Pink can be liberating, and no one should be stopped from buying a pink handgun based on someone else’s opinion of the color, but recommending a gun on color alone doesn’t pay due respect to other important factors.
How, then, is one to pick out a handgun for their wife or girlfriend? Easy – by looking at her shopping receipts and figuring out where she shops most. We’ve used a highly scientific formula to match guns to shopping habits, making your task easy and fun. Ready? Let’s go!

#1 – Restoration Hardware – Any 1911

If she loves Restoration Hardware, then she loves paying a lot of money for heavy, impractical things that look old but were actually made last month. For the full Restoration Hardware effect, you’d buy her a Norinco 1911, but those are pretty hard to find.

#2 – Sears – Remington R51

If she shops most at Sears, she enjoys keeping a once-famous American brand on life support while the end of the company looms in the not-so-distant future. Remington is the perfect brand for her, and the R51 is like new Craftsman tools: not quite what they used to be.

#3 – Wal-Mart – Smith & Wesson Sigma

If she lives to save money at Wal-Mart, she doesn’t want to be bothered with anything but a low price on something that looks pretty much the same as name brand stuff. She’ll love the S&W Sigma.

#4 – Target – Smith & Wesson SD9VE

If she refuses to shop at Wal-Mart because she can buy a much higher quality product at Target for only a little extra money, she’ll love the S&W SD9VE, which is a Sigma that is somewhat better and looks different, but also more expensive.

#5 – The Container Store – Glock 17

If you see a lot of The Container Store receipts, that means she can’t get enough of boring blocky plastic things that all look alike but are surprisingly practical and roomy. Pick her up a Glock 17.

#6 – IKEA – Polymer80

If she enjoys getting lost in an IKEA store, that’s because she likes bright colors, lots of options, and the sense of accomplishment that comes from putting something together herself after a little frustration and minor cursing. Available in many colors, Polymer80 80% Glock frame kits are perfect for her, except that the Polymer80 won’t fall apart the next time you try to move it, is actually easier to put together than your average IKEA dresser, and requires fewer parts and tools.

#7 – Williams-Sonoma – Sig Sauer P226 Legion

If you know she likes Williams-Sonoma, then she wants people to know she enjoys the finer things in life even if they cost a pretty penny. Those finer things still have to be practical and useful though, and that’s why chances are she’ll love a Sig P226 Legion.

#8 – Thrift Shop – Any Police Surplus Revolver

Does she spend a lot of time picking out bargains at the local thrift shop? That means she enjoys the fashions and trends of a bygone era, thriving on their impracticality and awkward appearance while others pass them by for boring, mainstream options. A police surplus revolver will go perfectly with that vintage denim jacket she picked up for $12 last week.

#9 – Whole Foods – H&K P7M8

Is your fridge full of Whole Foods kombucha? She values authentic, original, and unique products which incorporate naturally grown elements and help her feel different while also happening to cost a lot of money. There are few handguns as different as the squeeze cocker HK P7M8, which has natural wood grips, and like shopping at Whole Foods, the P7M8 is surprisingly expensive.

#10 – DSW Shoes – The Entire Kimber Catalog

If she disappears into DSW on a regular basis, you know she’s picking up something she’ll wear once and then put on a shelf to be occasionally gazed at before being passed over for other options. She likes different colors and styles and wants to have options. Do these options have to be practical, affordable, comfortable, or different in any meaningful way? Not at all. That’s why you need to buy her everything in the Kimber catalog. It’ll be expensive, but it will also totally not be worth it.