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“People may have been evacuated by soldiers, but they don’t have to eat like them.”

TAMPA, Fla. — As part of relief efforts for Hurricane Milton, a group of veterans is helping survivors with emergency meals by teaching them some time-honored, little-known, and somewhat controversial meal modification skills from the military.

The “Rat-Fuck Rations” group, or RFR, organized by former Army Spc. Greg Downey teaches residents the bespoke skill of rifling through crates of Meals, Ready to Eat (or MREs) to seize the most coveted menu items without getting caught. Observers agree it’s a set of skills that local, state, and federal emergency responders can’t provide and probably never projected to need.

Military members know that MREs consist of menu items ranging from the revolting to the relatively palatable. Usually, a soldier eats whatever meal a soldier gets. Rummaging through MRE packets in search of the best menus or items is regarded as a selfish act. But Downey said those rules don’t apply to civilians. “People may have been evacuated by soldiers, but they don’t have to eat like them,” he said.

“Doesn’t it just break your heart to imagine the hurricane survivors reaching into a crate of MREs for a nourishing meal,” Downey said, “and pulling out the Veggie Omelet?” The thought of it led Downey to form RFR.

Downey acknowledged that veterans usually volunteer their medical, communications, search-and-rescue, or other life-saving skills in times of disaster. But, he said, conjuring up a halfway decent meal with ingredients most Americans would find terrible is the only useful service-related skill for many veterans.

“We can still offer what I like to call quality of life-saving skills,” he said.

Under Downey’s supervision, RFR is teaching everything from basic rat-fucking or being first at the crate to rifle for the Chili Macs to advanced techniques like cutting open the packages quickly and snagging select menu pouches without slicing your own fingers.

“With our classes,” said Downey, “any eater can walk away with their pockets stuffed with jalapeño cheese spread and leave everyone else none the wiser.”

Sarah Schultz, director of local FEMA relief coordination, appreciates the RFR for enthusiasm.

“The people we help are grateful for any meal, so not sure why you military guys make a big deal of MRE selections,” she said. “We told Downey he could stay, and he broke down two pallets of MREs way faster than anybody. So that was cool,” Schultz added.

Despite the negative military connotations, Downey maintains that rat fucking goes back to the Army’s old “C-Rations” and has contributed to evacuations all the way back to Vietnam.

“Consider how we’re passing on military traditions,” he said, “if there are vegetarian civilians who actually want the Veggie Omelette MRE, everybody wins.”

However, RFR has limited capacity with the veterans on hand. Downey is overcoming that hurdle by developing “train-the-rat fuck trainer” classes for FEMA and local response groups.

Schultz supports expanding the extra help.

“All my people are thoroughly exhausted,” she said. “As long as Downey and his guys keep breaking down pallets of MREs, they can teach whatever they want.”

Bull Winkle is also an amateur phrenologist and is available to make your next birthday, wedding, or international conflict-solving conference super fun.