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A Good Axe!

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All About Guns Allies Dear Grumpy Advice on Teaching in Today's Classroom Fieldcraft Good News for a change! Gun Info for Rookies Hard Nosed Folks Both Good & Bad I am so grateful!! The Green Machine

Carlos Hathcock – The Original American Sniper

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How to Board Up Your House Before a Hurricane

Patrick Hutchison | September 14, 2016

Manly SkillsSurvivalVisual Guides

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A man’s home is his castle and natural disasters are the closest thing to an attacking army. When mother nature chooses to exercise her power on your home, there’s little you can do to stop it, especially during storms that include high wind, like hurricanes. Flying debris and sudden powerful gusts can blow out windows, skylights, and sliding glass doors that spread broken glass throughout your home and let in rain, which can cause serious water damage. If you have time before the next big one hits, boarding up your windows properly can help alleviate some of the damage and halt the invasion.

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Dear Grumpy Advice on Teaching in Today's Classroom Fieldcraft

100 Skills Every Man Should Know

AoM Team | September 28, 2015

Manly Skills

100 skills every man should know

It’s been fodder for many a heated debate among men for centuries.
What skills should every man know?
A vast amount of ink and e-ink has been spilled on the subject. But why?
Part of being a man is being competent and effective in the world. To do that, you’ve got to have skills. A man wants to know (or at least feel like he knows) that no matter what situation he’s placed in, he’ll be able to handle himself — to act rather than be acted upon. Hence our incessant drive to figure out what skills we’ll need to know in order to demonstrate confidence and capability in our manly roles as procreatorsprotectors, and providers.
For primitive man, this needed skill-set was clear and relatively narrow, largely revolving around the jobs of fighting and hunting.
The breadth of skills needed today, however, is much wider. The modern man must be both a warrior and a diplomat, a woodsman and a scholar. We need both hard skills and soft skills; skills we use every day and skills we keep in the back pocket, just in case.
We’ve covered many of these skills over the years on the Art of Manliness, and so figured it was time to add our contribution to the collective cultural enterprise of figuring out which skills a well-rounded, grown man should have. Below you’ll find the AoM list of 100 skills every man should know.

1. Tie a Necktie

Even in our casual culture where hoodies are appropriate attire for billionaire CEOs, every man should know how to tie a tie. Funerals, weddings, and job interviews are just a few occasions when a sharp necktie is appropriate, and you’ll be attending plenty of those during your adult life. You don’t want to be the 30-something who needs to ask his mom to tie his tie for him.

2. Build a Campfire

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There’s a primordial link between men and fire. While it’s no longer necessary for our survival, man’s connection to fire still exists. It’s both exhilarating and calming, dangerous and assuring. There’s nothing like sitting around a crackling fire under a starry sky while poking the embers with a stick and meditating on the big questions in life. Just for those reasons alone a man should know how to build a fire. But it’s also vital to know so you can build a fire while camping in order to cook a solid meal for yourself and those with you. Using Duraflame logs is a cardinal sin that will automatically send you to outer darkness, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth.

3. Hang a Picture

Being asked to hang a picture on the wall may be perhaps the world’s most common “honey-do.” While not necessarily an exact science, knowing some basics about wall hangings, and where to place prints on the wall, will ensure that your home has charm that will knock the socks off visiting dates and parents, and greatly please your main squeeze.

4. Shine Your Shoes

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A pair of shoes with a mirror shine can add the finishing touch to a sharp get-up. And besides keeping your shoes in tip-top shape, the act of shoe shining is a satisfying, manly ritual that calms the mind. The repetitive strokes of the shine brush coupled with the warm smell of shoe shine polish is enough to put you into a meditative state. To go the extra mile, build your own shoe shine box.

5. Treat a Snakebite

Since the very dawn of man, snakes have been one of our greatest enemies. They slither and sneak and hiss, and just are no good for anyone. Should you encounter a poisonous variety of snake (learn how to identify them here!), it’s in your best interest to know how to treat being bitten. Hint: most of the old wives’ tales are just that, so don’t go trying to suck the poison out.

6. Read a Book

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1) Open book. 2) Read words. 3) Close book. 4) Move on to next book. Reading a book seems like a pretty straightforward task, doesn’t it? And in some cases, it is. If you’re reading purely for entertainment or leisure, it certainly can be that easy. There’s another kind of reading, though, in which we at least attempt to glean something of value from the book in our hands (whether in paper or tablet form). In such cases, there are certain techniques you must master to be able to dive deeper into the text and suck out all the marrow.

7. Survive a Bear Attack

While bear attacks are rare, a man should always be prepared. Whether you’re camping for a weekend, or simply out for a morning hike, you never know when you’ll need this information. Believe it or not, just weeks after I compiled the research for our AoM guide on the topic, I encountered not one, but two black bears on a popular trail in Rocky Mountain National Park. It does happen. I was surprisingly calm with this useful knowledge at hand, and I felt confident I could have taken down those black bears should necessity have called. Alas, it didn’t, and I mourned the loss of the new rug I was looking forward to for my living room.

8. Wet Shave

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Electric shaving is fast and easy and the multi-bladed razors can give you a pretty close shave. But nothing beats the manly ritual of shaving with a safety razor or straight razor. Traditional wet shaving adds an element of skill back into what has become a mindless grooming activity. It makes you mindful and present. Plus, old school wet shaving is much cheaper than using the fancy multi-blade cartridges. A blade will only set you back about 25 cents. Feel manly and save money? It’s a win-win proposition.

9. Parallel Park

In the suburbs you enjoy endless drive-in parking in the giant lots in front of big box stores. Make a trip downtown and it’s a different story. Yeah, there are parking garages, but most of the parking is on the street next to the curb (not to mention it’s also the cheapest), meaning you need to know how to parallel park. You don’t want to be the guy who holds up traffic because he’s constantly backing up and moving forward after multiple failed attempts.

10. Paddle a Canoe

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Paddling lazily across the water is one of man’s great joys. Whether with your gal on a date, or just enjoying nature on a solo outing, there are few better recreational activities. While paddling might seem as natural as riding a bike, it takes a certain level of skill to deftly captain a canoe. Don’t be that guy/couple who can’t make headway because they paddle inefficiently or even tip over and end up in the water.

11. Negotiate/Haggle

Depending on where you are in the world, negotiation is either a part of everyday life or an uncomfortable practice that’s consciously avoided whenever possible. But here’s a truth that many of us, especially those of us living in the Western world, don’t always consider: whether or not you realize it, many of your commercial transactions can be negotiated. From hotel rooms, to rental cars, to complex business deals, knowing how to haggle can save you (or your business) a boatload of money. It’s awkward, sure, but with practice, you’ll get more confident and capable in the deft art of negotiating.

12. Fix a Leaky Faucet

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Drip. Drip. Drip. It can drive a man crazy in the middle of the night when he’s trying to sleep. It can also cost you money in the long run, in both water and handyman bills. While plumbing is not always a DIY project, fixing a leaky faucet is generally a pretty simple task. With a couple tools, a trip to your local hardware store, and this guide from This Old House, you’ll restore your sanity in no time.

13. Treat a Burn

Burns can happen just about any time and any place. Spilled coffee, mischievous campfire, over-heated car engine — our world is rife with potential for harm through heat. Should you find yourself with a first or even second-degree burn, you can almost always treat it yourself. A couple tips: You want to slowly cool the affected area with cool, not icy, water. Make sure to clean the burn and apply an antibiotic ointment, and don’t pop the blisters, as that increases the infection risk. More info about treating burns can be found here.

14. Tell a Joke

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In the age of dank memes and viral videos, the art of the well-told joke is a dying skill. Knowing how to make people laugh without resorting to showing a guy kicked in the nuts on your smartphone will set you apart from the pack. Plus, when you’re out in the middle of the woods and cell phone reception is non-existent, knowing how to tell a well-timed joke will be some of the only entertainment you have.

15. Predict the Weather

If you regularly watch your local news for the weather forecast, or check your smartphone for it, you know how often they are flat out wrong. While forecasting has come a long ways, some of the most accurate tools are the oldest. Barometers, for instance, can tell you what the weather will be like in the next 24-48 hours as well as any professional forecast. Beyond scientific instruments, even old proverbs — like “Red sky at night, sailors delight; red skies in morning, sailors take warning” — have many kernels of truth contained within. Soon enough your own predictions will be beating that of your local weatherman.

16. Do a Deadlift Properly

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The deadlift trains the muscles that allow you to perform one of the most basic of human movements — lifting stuff off the ground. Besides the squat, no other exercise provides as much practicality as the deadlift. And it just feels plain awesome to hoist 400+ lbs off the ground with a barbell.

17. Recite a Poem From Memory

There’s something about reciting a poem from memory that’s different from just reading it over and over again. The words become a part of you. They may not be your original words, but when you say them from memory, it feels like they’re coming from the heart. Reciting a poem from memory can provide you and others inspiration and consolation in trying times. Plus, knowing how to effortlessly sprinkle in a few lines from a poem in a conversation can make you appear a bit like the Most Interesting Man in the World.

18. Grill With Charcoal

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While the propane barbecue grill has only been around since the 1950s, men have been grilling with charcoal for thousands of years. Rather than just pushing a button for your fire, charcoal requires a little more skill and care, and according to most folks, makes for a better-tasting product as well. Bone up on lighting a charcoal grill.

19. Perform CPR

Some emergency situations are so urgent that calling 911 and waiting for paramedics will be too late. One of those is in the case of heart attack or other scenario where someone becomes unresponsive and is having trouble breathing. Believe it or not, one-quarter of Americans say they’ve been in such a situation. Don’t be caught unprepared. While you should know conventional CPR, you should also be aware of the new hands-only method which can be used on teenagers and adults.

20. Throw a Spiral

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Whether you’re playing catch with your kiddos on a Saturday or playing all-time QB at this year’s Thanksgiving Turkey Bowl, you’ll need to know how to throw a nice, tight football spiral.

21. Sew a Button

You’re hastily getting ready for work, and as you button up your nice oxford shirt, one pops off. You’ve known it was loose, and that this reckoning would come. What is a man to do? Sew it back on, of course! While sewing may seem like a skill purely in the ladies’ realm, knowing this simple clothing fix can come in mighty handy when you’re in a pinch.

22. Split Firewood

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Yes, most of us have central heating to keep our houses warm during the winter, but there’s nothing like the warm glow of a fireplace fire during the winter months to keep you toasty. But to get the big logs to fit into your fireplace, you’ll need to make them smaller by splitting them. And let’s be honest, splitting wood isn’t so much about lowering your heating bill, but rather about the satisfaction a man gets when his maul goes cleanly through a log and splits it in one stroke. It makes for great exercise, too.

23. Find Potable Water

When you’re lost in the woods, your most immediate needs are food, shelter, and water — the last of which is the most pressing. One method of finding safe drinking water is to collect rainwater. If you’re going to use lake or river water, it should be purified, which can be done with filtration, iodine tablets, and other methods.

24. Change a Flat Tire

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There’s no sound as disheartening to a driver than the “flop flop” of a flat tire. Instead of cursing about it, look at a flat tire as a chance to display your manly sufficiency by changing it yourself. Knowing how to change a flat will save your own butt when you’re out on some lonely stretch of highway, and will come in handy when helping a damsel in distress or a hapless traveler on the side of the road.

25. Break Down a Door

You’re in a burning house and you need to escape, but the door is on fire. Or your loved ones are in a burning house and you’re locked out. You can’t stand there fiddling with the lock — you’ve got to break it down! Or perhaps a loved one is stricken with a medical emergency and is locked inside a room or in their house. What to do? Be a man, dammit! Break down that door! You know you’ve always wanted to.

26. Take the Perfect Photo

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The advent of the smartphone means that most everyone is carrying a high-quality HD camera in their pocket at all times. Unfortunately, this fact alone doesn’t mean you’re taking good pictures with it. Don’t let life’s memorable moments be hampered by a poor photo. Play around with your camera, get to know the various settings, and understand some basics about what makes a great photo.

27. Sharpen a Knife

From pocket knives to kitchen knives to survival knives, blades are one of man’s most important tools. But a dull blade renders your knives useless and dangerous. Know how to sharpen a blade, do it regularly, and you’ll always be ready to slice off a piece of apple, or even slay a killer raccoon.

28. Change a Diaper

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Even if you don’t have plans of being a dad, you’ll end up changing a poop-filled diaper at some point in your life, perhaps for a nephew or godson. Many men are intimidated by the task, but there’s really not much to it, and there are a few tricks that can make it a quick and tidy affair.

29. Give a Speech

We all are faced with speaking opportunities throughout our lives. Whether it’s running for student council president, making a presentation at work, having your voice heard at a city council meeting, or offering a eulogy, a knack for public speaking makes you a more persuasive and powerful man.

30. Navigate With Map and Compass

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Sure, we’ve got phones with Google Maps that can give us turn-by-turn directions. But what happens when you don’t have the phone because you’re in the middle of the wilderness and you can’t get a signal? How are you going to get back to your fancy ski lodge now? With a map and compass of course. Out of all the skills I’ve learned over the years, this has been one of the most empowering. It just feels awesome knowing that by simply getting my bearings with a compass and looking at a topographic map I can traverse miles and get to where I need to be.

31. Unclog a Toilet

Some clogs will take care of themselves with a few flushes, but sometimes you drop a monster so big that it takes a bit of work and know-how to get the toilet unclogged. For added skill points, know how to unclog a toilet without a plunger. That’ll save you when you clog the toilet at your girlfriend’s parents’ house and you don’t want to shamefully ask for a plunger.

32. Buy a Suit

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You’ll likely buy two or three suits in your lifetime. If you buy the right one, it will be years, maybe even a decade, before you’ll have to buy another, so know what to look for in a quality suit — how it should fithow it should be constructed, the details you should care about, and the alterations that can make it nigh near perfect. Not only will knowing how to buy a suit help you, you’ll also be able to help friends and family navigate the haberdashery so they don’t waste money on a crappy-looking outfit.

33. Swim the Front Stroke

Swimming is not only a fun recreational activity, but a survival skill as well. Knowing how to swim the front stroke could not only win you a gold medal (even if it’s just in your backyard olympics), but could very well save your life someday too. It’s the fastest of the primary swimming strokes, and is among the first that any swimmer learns in the pool. If you don’t yet know it, take it upon yourself to find an instructor, and dive in!

34. Shake Hands

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A firm handshake is an important part of a good first impression. A full-grip handshake, given with just the right pressure, and accompanied with your looking in the person’s eyes, conveys warmth and confidence. Conversely, a limp, dead-fish shake or a crushing death grip will get your meeting off on the decidedly wrong foot. Or hand, I guess.

35. Treat Frostbite

It only takes 30 minutes to get frostbite when it’s 0 degrees outside with a 15mph wind. Decrease the temp or up the wind speed, and that number quickly goes to 10 and even 5 minutes. If you experience loss of color or feeling at your extremities (frostbite hits your body at its furthest points from your core), you’re possibly experiencing an onset of frostbite. The first step is to slowly rewarm the affected areas with warm, not hot, water. See here for more tips on treating frostbite.

36. Iron Your Clothes

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You’ve got a pair of trousers and a custom shirt, but the whole get-up looks terrible because you couldn’t take the time or didn’t have the know-how to iron your clothes. Many men don’t know how to iron their pants or their shirt because dear old mom did it for them and once they got married, the Mrs. took over the chore. But every man is going to have a period in his life when he’s on his own and he’ll have to do his own ironing. It’s not that hard and takes just five minutes, but it can make all the difference between an outfit looking put-together or sloppy.

37. Practice Situational Awareness

Every day there’s a chance we’ll encounter a threat that can put our safety in danger — an active shooter, a deranged co-worker, or even an inattentive driver. Often times we don’t notice the threat until it’s too late because we’re so engrossed in our own headspace. In the tactical world, it’s often said that the best way to win a fight is to avoid a fight in the first place. To do that, you need to develop your situational awareness. Situational awareness isn’t just knowing what’s going on around you, it also means having a plan for what to do when you notice something go awry.

38. Do a Proper Pull-Up

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The pull-up is one of the best upper-body exercises out there, but most people don’t even know how to do one properly. Grab the bar with an overhand grip and start from a dead hang. Pull yourself up until your chin clears the bar. Lower yourself down in a controlled manner and repeat. None of that kipping garbage.

39. Build a Shelter

In any kind of survival scenario, proper shelter will provide much-needed protection from the elements. With some basic materials (wood, reflective blankets, fire), and just a little bit of know-how, you can ensure that you’ll not only survive a night (or more), but even sleep warmly.

40. Grow Your Own Food

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Growing your own food is not only a pleasurable, recreational activity, but goes towards building your self-reliance and antifragility as well. Today’s foodstuffs are loaded with unpronounceable chemicals and additives, and whole, natural foods remain expensive. Why not grow your own fruits and vegetables for a fraction of the cost, and twice the flavor? Need even more reasons to start a garden? Here are seven.

41. Cook Eggs

Eggs are a breakfast staple if for no other reason than their sheer versatility. They can be enjoyed on sandwiches, in scrambles, as omelets, or eaten right out of the shell (raw or cooked!). If you can master a few ways to cook eggs, you’ll be a breakfast aficionado who will wow your significant other, or your kids, depending on your station in life. Your primary varieties — scrambled, fried, poached, and hard-boiled — are all easily learned in just a few minutes.

42. Make Small Talk

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When you spot an acquaintance in a store, do you hope they don’t see you? Does the idea of walking into a party where you only know one person fill you with dread? Do you keep trying to summon up the courage to talk to the cute girl who makes your lattes at the local coffee shop, but whenever you get up to the counter, all you can muster is your order? All of us can relate in some way or another to the conundrum of small talk. It’s sometimes uncomfortable, but can be truly life-changing; you never know if the person you’re standing across from could end up being a good friend, a coworker, or even a wife.

43. Identify Poisonous & Edible Plants

A stroll in the woods is nearly always an enjoyable endeavor; what’s not so enjoyable is discovering a red, itchy rash the next day. Each year, millions of Americans come in contact with poison ivy, poison oak, or poison sumac. These may be the most common irritants, but are far from the only ones. Besides being able to identify plants that can harm you, it’s also beneficial to know the plants that could save your life in a dire situation. Knowing your foliage — both good and bad — is truly a skill every man should have!

44. Do a Front Dive

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Much like swimming, knowing how to properly dive is not only just a fun skill to have, but could help save your life. In a scenario where you need to skedaddle into the water quickly, such as a sinking boat, the dive is the way to go. It propels you with a jump start of momentum rather than having to get going from the standstill of treading water.

45. Shuffle Cards

It’s always surprising when you’re playing a card game, rotating the shuffling of course, and one of the players has to sheepishly pass the deck because they don’t know this simple, manly skill. If you’re playing cards — be it poker, euchre, gin rummy — you should be able to do your part and shuffle the deck, and do it with some flair too!

46. Hunt

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In the book, The Hunting Hypothesisauthor Robert Ardrey highlights the research and theories that suggest that what made humans human was the ability to hunt. Since our hunter-gatherer times, hunting has always fallen on men. Ardrey suggests that hunting is how men have displayed nurturing and caring behavior since time immemorial. Besides allowing you to connect with our primal history, knowing how to hunt will allow you to provide for yourself and your family even if you don’t have access to a grocery store. In fact, you could provide a full year of meat for your family during a single hunting season. Kiss your meat expenses goodbye.

47. Properly Pour Beer

Does it really matter how you pour your beer? Isn’t beer, beer, no matter how it’s poured? Well, that may be the case if you’re drinking low-quality beer (I won’t name names), but when drinking a fine brew, it can mean a world of difference. When properly poured, the beer produces aromas and flavors that can only be present at the right conditions, and with the agitation of a proper pour.

48. Perform the Fireman’s Carry

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Even if you have the physical strength to save someone’s life by carrying them to safety, do you know the right way to do it? Every man should know how to perform what is called the “fireman’s carry.” It’s an effective way to distribute someone’s weight, allowing you to haul them over long distances with minimal strain. Next time you have to carry an injured victim from a burning building, down a hiking trail, or off the battlefield, employ the fireman’s carry.

49. Open a Bottle Without an Opener

You’ve arrived at the campsite with your friends and some cold beer in the cooler, only to realize you left the bottle opener at home. Lucky for you, that’s no problem — you’re a master of improvisation. We put together 9 MacGyver-esque tricks to open a bottlewhenever you find yourself without an opener. You’ll never be left high and dry again.

50. Cast a Fishing Line

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Fishing has been a skill that fathers have passed down to sons since time immemorial. It’s not only a fun and relaxing way to spend a morning or afternoon, but hearkens back to our caveman and caveson days, when fishing was more than just a pastime, but a survival skill. And one of the first steps to learning fishing? Knowing how to cast a line.

51. Speak a Foreign Language

Traveling the world can be quite an adventure, but you can never truly immerse yourself in the places you visit unless you speak the people’s native tongue. Speaking a second (or third) language allows you to connect with locals and experience more of what lies below the surface available only to the passing tourist. Speaking another language may also help you in your business, sharpen your brain, and even aid you in a tactical situation; James Bond was fluent in 4 different languages, and handy in 4 others, after all.

52. Drive in Snow

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Even if you grew up doing it, driving in the snow is a bit of a harrowing task. The sun is glaring off the pure-white landscape, black ice threatens at every curve and underpass, and you aren’t quite sure you have the skills to handle a wipe out. When driving in the winter, just remember that slow and steady wins the race (although you really shouldn’t be racing on a snowy road!).

53. Perform the Heimlich Maneuver

Even though you’ve probably heard of the Heimlich maneuver countless times, and seen it dramatized just as many, a lot of folks really don’t know exactly what to do beyond putting their arms around the person and squeezing somehow. Because the abdominal thrusts necessitated by the Heimlich maneuver can cause injury, it should be employed only as a last resort, after other techniques, like encouraging the vicim to cough and slapping them on the back, have been tried. But should you need to reach for this technique, you ought to be able to perform it effectively.

54. Ask a Woman on a Date

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Manliness is too often ranked by how many random women a dude can bed. But one of the things that separates man from the beasts is the ability and desire to focus his romantic energies on one woman at a time. Being a lover and romancer is something that makes us human, rather than just another mammal on the Discovery Channel. And there is no better tool in the romantic man’s arsenal than the date. The date’s structure allows a man to show off his ability to woo a lady. Unfortunately, few men have been taking on the challenge of being artful pursuers these days, as our dating abilities have become infected with the plague of hanging out. Don’t be that man. Gird up your loins, and ask a woman out!

55. Always Know North

A man always knows his direction, be it philosophically in life or physically on the road. He can find North without a digital aid. A compass is the easiest and surest way to do this, of course, but there are other methods as well, including using an analog watch, sticks and shadows, the constellations in the night sky, and the moss growing on trees and rocks. But each of these methods of finding North involve a good deal of know-how and nuance, so it’s definitely a skill you’ll need to master before you really need it.

56. Fell a Tree

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So you know how to split wood, but how do you get those logs in the first place? You could buy them, but that’s lame. No, you need to go out to the woods and fell your own tree. It’s a dangerous task if you don’t know what you’re doing, but boy is it a great feeling to hear a tree fall on the forest floor with an echoing “THUMP!” End your day felling trees with a large plate of pancakes smothered with Vermont maple syrup.

57. Hitch/Back-Up a Trailer

So you’ve decided to borrow a boat for a weekend of fishing or maybe you’re going to rent an Airstream for that dream road trip across America. Awesome. Do you know how to hitch the boat trailer and the Airstream to your vehicle? Once you get it hitched to your car, do you know how to back-up a trailer without destroying the property around you? Knowing how to hitch and back-up a trailer will open a whole world of outdoor recreation opportunities for you, so get out there and start learning.

58. Play Poker

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If you’ve never played poker before, going to a casino for a bachelor party or a friend’s house for a casual poker night can be an intimidating affair. The rules of the game itself are hard enough to master (Does my two pair beat your three of a kind? Answer: no it does not.), but you also have to know betting rules and game etiquette. Thankfully, with just a few strategies up your sleeve, it won’t take long to not feel like a newb anymore.

59. Write in Cursive

In our age of texts, tweets, and emails, one thing that can set you apart from the crowd is sending a nice, handwritten letter every now and then. To set yourself apart from the pack even more, write your letter in cursive. It just looks classy and adds a bit of personality to your notes. And don’t just save it for letters. The continuous strokes of cursive make journaling a more meditative experience.

60. Throw a Knockout Punch

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Avoid a fight if you can, but if there’s no other option, end it as quickly as possible by throwing a knockout blow. Open your opponent up with high jabs and a few fakes; once he drops his guard, send a powerful straight punch right to his kisser. Lights out.

61. Make Pancakes From Scratch

While eggs are a breakfast staple because of their ease and versatility, pancakes are a fan favorite because of their simply delightful nature. They’re fluffy, warm, and covered in any number of tasty toppings: butter, syrup, peanut butter, fruit, whipped cream. It doesn’t get much better than a tall stack of pancakes to start a lazy weekend with your family. Knowing how make pancakes from scratch will make you a Saturday morning hero.

62. Skipper a Boat

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One of man’s great powers is that he is an amphibious creature, able to both traverse the land and navigate the water. Not only should you be able to move through water by your own manpower, you should be able to skim its surface by knowing how to pilot a boat — and not just those that involve a motor and steering wheel. From tying nautical knots, keeping the boat balanced, and trimming the sails, every man should know how to skipper traditional sea craft.

63. Dress For the Occasion

Black-tie. Semi-formal. Business casual. Do you find yourself asking what the heck these terms mean anytime you see them on an event invitation? With just a little bit of study and practice, you’ll come to automatically know the differences — for instance, that business casual means a sports coat and khakis (or even jeans, depending on where you live). You never want to be the guy who wore slacks and a button-up to a semi-formal event.

64. Shoot a Bow and Arrow

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From our survival guru Creek Stewart: “I am a big fan of the bow and arrow for a variety of reasons, and I personally think that anyone who has an interest in primitive survival skills or modern urban survival should seriously consider purchasing a good bow and arrow and become proficient in using it.” The weapon’s portability, versatility, and affordability (you can even craft your own) make it a top choice for hunters and survivalists.

65. Drive Stick Shift

Driving an automatic vehicle is so pedestrian. With a stick shift, you actually feel like you’re part of your car. The synchronicity of man and machine makes driving a manual transmission car not just a chore, but a joy. Plus, owning a manual makes your vehicle pretty much theft-proof — it’s such a lost skill that most would-be thieves wouldn’t know how to drive away with your car even if they managed to break in.

66. Do a Proper Push-Up

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When you don’t have access to a gym, there’s always push-ups. They work your chest, shoulders, triceps, and biceps. Even if you do have access to a gym, make push-ups part of your routine throughout the day. An 85-year-old attorney I knew credited his random push-up workouts in his office as the key to his longevity and health.

67. Pick a Lock

Kicking down a door is a great skill to have, but sometimes you need to be a bit more discreet when opening a door that’s locked. Who wants to replace their door every time they lock themselves out of their house? That’s where lock-picking comes in. Besides making you handy, and saving you money on replacement doors or calling a locksmith, this skill also makes you feel a bit like Jason Bourne.

68. Mix Two Classic Cocktails

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If you’re out on the town with your main squeeze, you can look to spend anywhere from $8 to $20 on a nice cocktail. That’s a lot of scratch for a beverage, especially when you can be making ones at home that taste just as good (if not better!) for a fraction of the cost. And rather than being a one-trick pony, knowing how to make at least two different drinks will make you feel like a real mixologist, and impress your guests too. Learn how to make classics like the martini and the Manhattan; bonus points if you can mix up some interesting drinks for your teetotaling friends too.

69. Field Dress Game

Whether you hunt regularly to stock your freezer with meat or you’re stuck in the wild and need to eat a squirrel to survive, you’ll need to know how to dress your kill so that it’s ready for butchering and eating. If you don’t know anything about dressing game, start with a small animal like a squirrel or a rabbit. It’s less messy, and the same general principles that you use with those animals apply to larger game like deer.

70. Play One Song on the Guitar

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The guitar has a way of showing up at parties and campfires, and it often gets passed around so people who know how to play can strum out some tunes while everyone sings along. Instead of passing it on to the next dude, why not hold on to it and bust out a song of your own? Getting a group of people to sing a song while you provide the accompaniment is an easy way to command a room like a man. Also, chicks dig a dude who can play the guitar.

71. Use a Chainsaw Safely

The aftermath of a heavy thunderstorm or ice storm often leaves broken and fallen branches in your yard. To clean them up, you’ll need to cut them with a chainsaw. Learn how to operate one safely so you don’t accidentally cut off one of your limbs in the process.

72. Do a Squat Properly

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You don’t need a bunch of leg machines to get a good lower-body workout; just a barbell with some plates will do. Squats are one of the best exercises you can do for overall strength. Not only do they work your quads and hamstrings, but also your hips, butt, back, and core. There are two variations of the barbell squat: high bar (pictured above) and low bar. Learn them both. They emphasize different muscles and can be used in different strength training routines.

73. Cook a Steak

The beauty of a well-cooked steak is in its simplicity. No fancy seasonings, just a bit of salt and pepper and fire. Know how to cook a steak and you can eat like a king the rest of your life.

74. Entertain Yourself (Without a Smartphone)

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You see it everywhere: people on their smartphones while standing in line, while getting gas, when conversation lulls at dinner…anytime people aren’t stimulated for 10 seconds or longer, out comes the phone. Not only is it rude in many instances, it means you’re tethered to your little electronic device for entertainment. Learn how to pass the time without your phone — play board gamesdo push-ups during commercial breaksmake a paper airplane, work out a philosophical problem in your head, or turn a boring conversation into a stimulating one by actually listening intently, showing some curiosity, and asking good questions. Heck, learn to enjoy the old pastime of people watching. Being able to entertain yourself is surely one of the 3 characteristics of an educated man.

75. Change Your Car’s Oil

Knowing how to change your own oil can save you time and money. Instead of driving 10 minutes to the Kwik Lube, waiting another 30 minutes before your car can get worked on, waiting another 15 minutes while the oil change actually takes place, and then driving another 10 minutes back home, just get the job done in half an hour by doing it in your garage. Besides saving you time and money, changing your own oil just feels self-sufficient and darn manly.

76. Whistle With Your Fingers

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With a loud, commanding whistle you can call your dog, your kids, a taxi, or the peanuts guy at the ballpark. Using your fingers makes it easy to get that ear-piercing whistle sound whenever you want it. This is a small skill, but a weirdly satisfying one to master.

77. Shovel Snow

Snow shoveling is often a back-breaking, tiresome process. You could be moving hundreds of cubic feet of the fluffy (or not-so-fluffy) white stuff. It’s generally not a particularly fun activity, although it is an excellent workout and a fine opportunity to fill your lungs with crisp, clean air. While those in colder environs are practically born knowing this skill, others may need a couple quick pointers to ensure the best and most efficient job possible.

78. Carve a Turkey

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Primitive hunters often dressed and butchered their game in the field, in order to divide up the carcass among the hunting party and make it easier for carrying back home. Maybe the echoes of this task is why carving the Thanksgiving turkey typically falls upon the man in a household in our modern day. When you get called up to carve the bird, you want to be ready with skill and know-how that will allow you to get as much meat as possible from the turkey without mutilating it. Take pride in the artfully sliced platter of juicy turkey you assemble for your guests.

79. Tie a Bowline

The bowline is a loop knot that is incredibly secure. Consequently, it’s often used in rescue situations in which you need to pull someone out of a ditch or ravine. You can also use it to tie off the boat to your dock. Once you master tying the bowline with both hands, earn bonus man points by learning how to tie it with one hand.

80. Ride a Horse

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Sure, in this motorized world, knowing how to ride a horse may be the most “archaic” skill on this list. But I’ll be darned if it’s not also one of the most satisfying. Many a great man from history used horseback riding as a way to decompress — Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, Jack London. It simply feels wonderful to mount up and head towards the horizon. Also, if American cinema is correct about the apocalypse, horses will once again be the primary mode of transportation one day. So don’t scoff — know how to saddle up!

81. Give a Good Massage

While the date is the ultimate tool in the gentleman’s romantic arsenal, you need other skills as well to impress your gal (including many on this list!). Among them, knowing how to give a good massage — and just for her sake rather than in hopes of sex — is an important one. She’ll feel loved and cared for, which is the ultimate way to affair-proof your relationship.

82. Get a Car Unstuck

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There are a lot of things your car can get stuck in: mud, snow, even a ditch. While every situation is different, there are some principles you can follow that may help you become unstuck without needing to call for a tow. Knowing them could save you thousands of dollars in towing fees, and may be a necessity in rural areas that don’t have cell phone reception.

83. Break a Rack of Pool Balls

So you’ve watched The Hustler — one of the best movies of all-time — and you’re inspired to head down to your local pool hall for some billiards action. You grab a cue, line it up to break the rack, and instead of hitting it perfectly like you did in your daydreams, you shank the cue ball for the ultimate whiff, and the rack is still intact. Breaking the rack is your billiards first impression — it has the potential to intimidate foes and impress buddies. Don’t blow it.

84. Make a Logical Argument

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In the age of the internet, it seems that logical arguments have gone the way of the dodo. Debates, whether in online comment sections or on TV, are not much more than name-calling matches in which whoever shouts the loudest wins. Debates and arguments should be civil affairs, though, that avoid logical fallacies and employ sound reasoning. Learning this skill builds your powers of persuasion, puts you a leg up in our modern world, and allows you to stand out as a real gentleman. For it’s not the volume of your voice that signifies a masterful debater and skilled rhetorician, but the content of your words.

85. Cook Bacon

Nothing tastes better on a cold winter morning than some pork bacon (turkey bacon is not bacon) fried in a cast iron skillet. You don’t want bacon too soft or too crispy. Getting that just-right texture takes patience and skill (and maybe even ditching that skillet for the oven). Add man points for frying bacon shirtless and braving those hot kisses of grease.

86. Write a Letter

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At AoM we’re great champions of the lost art of letter writing. Emails, texting, and the wide variety of other digital mediums available to us in the modern age are convenient and efficient, but they can’t hold a candle to the warm, tangible, classy nature of handwritten correspondence. Letters are the next best thing to showing up personally at someone’s door. And their permanence is unrivaled; long after we’ve forgotten the password to our hotmail account, our shoebox of letters will remain. Write to a pen pal; write regular thank you noteswrite letters of “emotional insurance” to your children; and be sure to write all 7 of these letters before you turn 70.

87. Shoot a Gun

A gun can provide food, protection, and even an afternoon of fun. It’s an extremely useful tool, but a dangerous one. You need to know how to safely operate different types of firearms (pistolsshotgunsrifles) without unintentionally injuring those around you or yourself. Even if you don’t have plans on becoming a “Gun Guy,” at least have a basic understanding of how firearms work in case you ever come across one in the wild, or need to use one to save your life.

88. Make a Toast

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You don’t want to be the Best Man that’s remembered for giving an utterly cringe-worthy toast at your buddy’s wedding. And besides weddings, you’ll likely have several opportunities to provide toasts throughout your life. With a bit of forethought and practice in front of the mirror, your toasts can sound natural, inspiring, and memorable (in a good way).

89. Jump Start a Car

It happens to every one. Somehow the dome light in your car got left on while you were in the office and now your car’s battery is dead. Instead of calling AAA to get the car going for you, jump start it yourself. It will save you time and money. Plus it’s a skill that will make you incredibly useful to others. You’d be surprised by how many people don’t know how to jump start a car.

90. Know How to Dance

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Nothing impresses a woman more than a man who knows how to dance. And by dance I mean ballroom dancing where you lead a gal across the dance floor. None of that “nae nae” nonsense. Basic ballroom dancing isn’t that hard. Start off with the waltz and foxtrot and you’ll be good for most weddings and cruises.

91. Brew the Perfect Cup of Coffee

Sure, you can plop some Folgers into a filter and hit the “Brew” button on your coffee machine. But that’s like going to Walmart to buy a suit. You just aren’t getting the best product. Grinding your beans, boiling your water, and brewing them in a French press truly creates the perfect cup of coffee, and also adds an element of craftsmanship to your morning routine. You can try roasting your own beans, as well as some other tactics to level up your morning coffee game.

92. Tie a Tourniquet

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For a long time, tying tourniquets was a frowned-upon method for controlling major bleeding — something to be employed as an absolute last resort. That’s because during the wars of the 20th century, when it often took a long time for a wounded solider to get medical attention, the tourniquet would end up cutting off the blood supply for too long, necessitating amputations. But the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan showed that tourniquets, coupled with speedy medical attention, could be absolute life savers, and thus their use has been revived in combat and civilian medicine alike. You still need to know when and how to properly tie a tourniquet though, so study up and then do ample hands-on practice.

93. Know Two Cool Uncle Tricks

An essential part of being an awesome uncle is having a repertoire of tricks and jokes that will amaze your nieces and nephews, and crack them up. From juggling and pulling coins from ears, to levitating and “bouncing” dinner rolls on the floor, every uncle should have at least two giggle-inducing tricks up his sleeve.

94. Fillet a Fish

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What makes fishing even more satisfying is being able to fillet and cook your catch for a real water-to-table experience. Throw it in a skillet with some garlic, lemon, and butter, fry it over the campfire you’ve built, and enjoy a wild dinner under the stars.

95. Calm a Crying Baby

Whether your baby has colic or just intermittent fussiness, their cries can really do a number on your equilibrium. Since babies can’t do anything for themselves, their cries are designed by nature to get your attention, burrowing into your brain and refusing to let go until you alleviate their distress. Their wails elicit a real physiological response — you start to sweat, your heart rate goes up, and your body releases cortisol (the stress hormone). So it’s no surprise that knowing how to calm a crying baby is one of the most important new-dad tools you can have in your arsenal!

96. Ride a Motorcycle

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Motorcycles are one of the pinnacles of manliness. They’re up there with Islay single malt, grass-fed sirloin, and Creed’s Green Irish Tweed aftershave. Why? Because unlike automobiles, they offer a visceral experience: one that requires skill, mental engagement, and risk management. On a motorcycle, you can’t sip coffee, fiddle with your phone, or daydream the minutes away. Your senses are on red alert, and your life depends on two tiny patches of rubber connecting you to the road. Riding a motorcycle is an experience every man should have in his life.

97. Hammer a Nail Correctly

To the unskilled, hammering just means pounding the hell out of something until you get the job done. Sure, you could do that, but you’ll end up with crummy results and a tired arm to boot. A wise handyman knows how to use a hammer safely, effectively, and efficiently.

98. Cook a Signature Dish

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Cooking cultivates a variety of manly qualities, from self-reliance to chivalry. So while you need not become a 5-star chef, at a certain point every man needs to move on from the Easy Mac, ramen, and frozen pizza he subsisted on in college. Knowing your way around the kitchen can be intimidating at first, but even with just a single pot you can make some tasty meals that will impress friends, family, and ladies alike. Once you’ve mastered some basics, you can work on creating a signature dish that you perfect and whip up on special occasions.

99. Make Fire Without Matches

It’s easy to start a fire when you have a pack of matches at your disposal. But could you forge a flame if you didn’t have that crutch? Or would you starve and freeze? There are many ways to make fire sans matches, from using a battery or magnifying glass to going totally primal and using only a board and a stick. Learn as many methods as you can, so that if you ever find yourself alone on a desert island, you can declare to your volleyball friend: “I have made fire!”

100. Tell a Story

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Every man needs to be able to tell a great story. It might be for a presentation you give at work. Or for a paper you need to write. Maybe you’re just hanging out with your buddies swapping stories. Or you’re tucking your kids into bed, and a nighttime tale is demanded. No matter the scenario, it takes a certain amount of skill to tell a story in a way that captivates an audience.
The most important part of storytelling though, is simply having the experiences that make for good tales. What stories of your life will you have to tell your grandkids? Start making those memories now by learning as many of these skills as you can. The more know-how you gain, the more places you can go, things you can do, and people you can converse with; in short, the more skills you master, the more adventures you can have!

How many of these skills have you already mastered? Which ones do you hope to learn? What skills do you think we left off the list, or should never have been put on? Be sure to let us know!
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Dear Grumpy Advice on Teaching in Today's Classroom

When stuff about WW II that is usually not taught in Schools!

Allied made mistakes during WWII also……

I have posted in the past about various mistakes the Axis made during WWII, but the AAllies were not totally competant either, they also screwed up.  Such is the vagaries of War, you can’t always expect the enemy to screw up, they are in it to win also.
When discussing the outcome of World War II, much is made of Axis mistakes. From Hitler’s launch of Operation Barbarossa to Japan’s failure to destroy the American carrier fleet, there were plenty to be had. But the Allies made plenty of military mistakes of their own.
The Winter War
Before it joined in fighting the Germans, the USSR used the chaos of war to achieve other aims. In November 1939, while the rest of the world was reeling from the invasion of Poland, the Soviets invaded Finland.
Ironically for a nation that had once been saved from an invasion by winter, the Soviets were woefully unprepared for the cold of Finland. Guns malfunctioned. Vehicles seized up. Men froze to death amid the ice and snow.
Their dark green uniforms, which would have disguised them in the forests further south, made them stand out against the snow. Meanwhile, the Finns used skis to swiftly cross the snow and saunas to create warm, safe medical stations.
A group of Finnish soldiers in snowsuits manning a heavy machine gun in a foxhole.Though vastly superior in numbers, the Soviets suffered huge casualties and international humiliation. When peace was made in March, they took control of 11% of Finland, but it had come at a terrible cost.
Soviet prisoners of war dressed with new clothes near the Arctic Circle at Rovaniemi in January 1940

Falling for the same trick twice is always embarrassing. In war, it can be fatal. That’s why the Allied attitude to the Ardennes Forest stands out.
Ardennes
The Ardennes lay in the border region where Belgium, France, and Germany met. In May 1940, the French left this area weakly defended, believing it to be impassable to armored formations. Instead, they relied on the fortified Maginot Line to hold the Germans back.
The Maginot Line.Photo: GoranThe Germans proved the French wrong. Their tanks swept through the Ardennes, across previously neutral Belgium, and into France, completely ignoring the Maginot Line. France fell.
Four and a half years later, the same thing happened all over again. In his last great throw of the dice, Hitler launched an offensive through the Ardennes in December 1944. Once again, his men burst through weak Allied lines, though they were eventually thwarted by their limited resources.
German troops advancing past abandoned American equipment.18 December 1944. In General Eisenhower’s defense, it has been argued that this second time it was a trap, and that the American lines were deliberately weak to draw the Germans in. But if that was the case, Eisenhower never admitted to his own clever plan.
The Raid on Dieppe
On 19 August 1942, the Allies launched a raid in force on the French port of Dieppe. It was a British Army operation, but the troops involved were mostly Canadian.
Dieppe’s chert beach and cliff immediately following the raid on 19 August 1942. A Dingo Scout Car has been abandoned.Photo: Bundesarchiv, BildThe raid was meant to be a trial run for capturing a port by conducting an amphibious landing. It was a complete disaster.
Most of the troops became trapped on the beaches, where they were mercilessly battered by German machine guns and artillery. Even the tanks were mostly unable to get into town. Within a few hours, the withdrawal was called, and more men were lost getting out.
Over 4,000 Allied personnel were killed, wounded, or captured at Dieppe. It was a day that would forever color Canadian memories of the war.
Canadian prisoners being led away through Dieppe after the raid.

Kasserine Pass

On 19 February 1943, German and Italian troops under General Rommel launched an attack against the Americans at the Kasserine Pass in Tunisia. It was an attack that proved just how unprepared the Americans were.
Rommel in Tunisia speaking with troops riding a captured American built M3 Half-track.Photo: Bundesarchiv, Bild 146-1990-071-31As the Axis forces stormed forward, they caught the Americans by surprise. The Americans had faced little combat, while many of their opponents were veterans of the North African theater.
The Americans made basic mistakes such as not digging in properly, bunching together, and failing to properly position their troops. They courageously held out for the first day of fighting, but on the second day they fell into a disorderly retreat.
U.S. troops taken prisoner during the battle march through a Tunisian village.Photo: Bundesarchiv, Bild 101I-557-1002-10 /
Rommel achieved his tactical goal of breaking through the pass, but he was unable to make the strategic gains he had hoped for. British and American forces regrouped beyond the pass and held up his advance.
His aim of punching through the Allied lines and seizing their supplies never came to fruition. Not every failure turned into a disaster for the Allies.

Hurtgen Forest

At the time of the second Ardennes offensive, the Allies were already bogged down in one of their biggest mistakes – the Battle of Hurtgen Forest.
From September 1944 to February 1945, the Americans attacked German positions in the Hurtgen Forest, a wooded area around the border between Germany and Belgium. The Germans were well dug in amid the dense forest, making their lines almost impossible to break.
The Americans tried again and again in a series of bloody assaults. They lost nearly 30,000 men killed or injured and thousands more to combat exhaustion.
A German heavy mortar firing in defense against a U.S. attack on 22 November 1944 in the Hürtgen forest.Photo: Bundesarchiv, BildBy the time they broke through, the Germans had opened the floodgates on industrial dams, something the battle had supposedly been launched to avoid. The war moved on thanks to real victories elsewhere, and the bloody waste in the Hurtgen was quietly ignored.

Operation Market Garden

One of the boldest ventures of the war, Operation Market Garden was launched by General Montgomery in September 1944. By landing paratroopers at a series of key bridges, he aimed to open a route across the Low Countries and into Germany. Conventional troops would follow before the Germans could counter-attack, ensuring victory.
British POWs at Arnhem.Photo: Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-S73820 /Unfortunately for the British and Polish paratroopers, Montgomery’s scheme proved too bold. The ground campaign didn’t advance as quickly as he had hoped. Allied paratroopers were trapped in the town of Arnhem for a week, taking heavy casualties at the hands of the Germans.
By the time they were withdrawn, 1,200 men had died. 6,600 more were left behind, injured, captured, or missing.

I used the ending from the movie “A Bridge Too Far”.  It is one of my favorite war movies and it was to me well done.

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Dear Grumpy Advice on Teaching in Today's Classroom

From My Daily Kona

Something to think about, people take things for granted and the people in question were educated and “comfortable”.  They pledged their sacred honor for this and some lost everything on a matter or principle.

What happened to the signers of the Declaration of Independence?

This is the Price They Paid: 



Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons in the revolutionary army, another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the revolutionary war.
They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.
What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners, men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers or both, looted the properties of Ellery, Clymer, Hall, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. The owner quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife’s bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.
Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: “For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.”

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Darwin would of approved of this! Dear Grumpy Advice on Teaching in Today's Classroom Hard Nosed Folks Both Good & Bad Interesting stuff Leadership of the highest kind Soldiering Stand & Deliver The Green Machine
Field Manual 22-102  Headquarters

Department of the Army 1 April

WALL-TO-WALL COUNSELINGFM 22-102


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Wall-to-Wall counseling has been around longer than the American military.
Many famed units used it as their primary motivational tool, and some used nothing else. It’s still prevalent in many hardened military units.
The Spartans
The citizens of the city-state of Sparta, Greece, didn’t mess around. Wall-to-wall counseling was the order of the day among the Spartan. The Spartans believed in hard training and hard discipline, and wall-to-wall counseling is about the hardest kind of discipline that there is. The Spartans were feared both in war and at peace, and they worked hard to maintain their image. Babies were quality controlled at the time of their birth, and any not meeting the standards were put on the sides of mountains to die Needless to say, until the day when wall-to-wall counseling completely erased the desire of the citizens of Sparta to perpetuate the race, nobody screwed with these people.
Patton
General George S. Patton, the famed World War II tank corps commander was a great fan of wall-to-wall counseling. It showed in the, way he led his troops. He never used a kind word when a foul one would do just as well. One of his most famous wall-to-wall counseling sessions occurred in a field hospital Patton believed that combat fatigue was cowardice, and promised to shoot anyone exhibiting it. On a trip through a field hospital, he ran across a shell-shocked private. When the private claimed that he could hear the shells flying overhead but not exploding, Patton became furious He slapped the soldiers in the head, waved a loaded pistol in his face and called him a pussy. Then he ordered him back to the front to fight “so the brave soldiers in this hospital won’t be contaminated by this coward.” That Patton was not punished as severely as he should have been for this deed shows that wall-to-wall counseling has a place in the US Army.

US Soldiers In action around the world in action!

The South Korean Army
The Army of the Republic of Korea uses wall-to-wall counseling in its daily operation. It is sanctioned and approved by the Ministry of Defense. South Koreans feel that the harsher peacetime is, the less the soldier will notice the hardships of combat with North Korea Wall-to-Wall counseling rises to its zenith with the ROK discipline board This group wall-to-wall counseling session is convened for offenses that would result in punishment by court-martial in the US Army. The soldier walks into the discipline board. Is wall-to-wall counseled, and is carried out of the board, either on a stretcher or on ice. While US Army waIl-to-wall counseling is not likely to result in serious death to the soldier, the Korean discipline board is a model to be emulated by all US Army units.
When should you wall-to-wall counsel?
You should wall-to-wall counsel a soldier when he needs it And all soldiers occasionally need wall-to-wall counseling.
Determining when this most severe of leadership techniques is warranted requires the leader to intimately know his soldiers and be aware of when a soldier is far enough gone that a swat in the head is the only thing that will adjust his behavior.
Minor offenses
Simple infractions can be dealt with quickly by a simple ass-beating. Soldiers appreciate this, as it saves them the hassle of having to visit the commander for UCMJ action.
Lateness
Soldiers arriving late for military functions should be screened carefully before being wall-to-wall counseled. A soldier who has never before been late would not benefit from having the shit beat out of him; indeed, it will only destroy his motivation. A soldier who has been late for the past four months, on the other hand, is possibly incorrigible and a well-deserved ass-beating would not only be profitable, but enjoyable. Especially if the soldier has caused you to visit the company commander on less-than-friendly terms.
Incompetence
Soldiers who have proven themselves incapable of performing the demands of their chosen profession may indeed be candidates for wall-to-wall counseling. The source of their incompetence must be determined before harsh measures are implemented, though. If a soldier has just graduated from Initial Entry Training and has never performed his job, corporal punishment would not be a good idea. If, on the other hand, he has performed his MOS for the last two years and still does not know shit from Shinola, the soldier deserves his ass beat and it should be performed at the earliest possible opportunity.
Challenging or defying Authority
Soldiers who harass their leaders are prime candidates for ass-beating. In this case, the soldier should not be given an opportunity to try to pull anything on you the second time. If the soldier harasses or ignores you, kick the shit out of him. Enough said.
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Farting
Off Soldiers who fart off should be treated the same as those who fuck with their leaders. Any soldier found sleeping in the back seat of their vehicle in the motor pool instead of working on it should be immediately taken in front of his whole platoon and have the shit kicked out of him. No slack can be placed on soldiers of this nature. The rest of the platoon will appreciate you.
Major offenses
Soldiers found guilty of major transgressions will be punished by the military authorities.
A soldier who kills another soldier will probably be shot. However, long wall-to-wall counseling sessions prior to the arrival of the military police are appropriate in cases where the transgression was against another soldier, and are best conducted in the presence of the wronged soldier. If the wronged soldier is still alive, he or she should be invited to join in to the session, as he or she will feel that revenge is called for and participating in the session will help to heal mental wounds caused by the perpetrator.
Rape
No offense is as damaging to the victim as rape. Murder does not come close, since the victim is dead and knows nothing. A raped soldier will have psychological scars for the rest of his or her life. A male soldier who is the victim of a homosexual rape is especially damaged, and many commit suicide rather than live with this burden immediate wall-to-wall counseling is required, and it must be so severe that bones are broken. Dimension lumber must be used during this session, and the minimum length of the session is three hours. If any part of the rapist’s body has not been hit with the board, the session is not complete. At least one arm and one leg will be broken during the session and the testicles will be hit at least ten times.
Murder
Coming close to rape in its severity is murder. The victim will not be able to participate in the counseling, of course. A long counseling session with a baseball bat and jackboots will be initiated and will continue only until the perpetrator is unconscious. Then the murderer must be revived and beat on some more.
Arson
Arson, of course, affects us all. Besides the possibility of losing your life, seeing all your shit go up in smoke and having to sleep in the street for the next three years, arsonists steal unit morale, cohesion and esprit de corps. After all, if you can’t trust someone to not burn your place down, how can you trust him in a combat situation? Arsonists are very simple to counsel. They are to be placed in the burning building and the doors are to be locked.
Robbery, burglary and barracks thievery
These crimes also affect unit morale. When a soldier rips off your stuff, all you want to do is kill him. Well, if it’s your shit, go ahead and do him in. In fact, do more than that. If however, it wasn’t your shit he took, you should let the wronged do the little shit head. Popular punishments for barracks thieves include the soldier falling down the stairs twenty or thirty times. Soldiers have also been penned into their rooms and tear gas powder blown under the door with a hair dryer. Anything cruel is good barracks thieves. In fact, it is best if you hold a formation to make the entire battalion observe the barracks thief being killed. People who do shit like this do not deserve to live, as they are far below contempt. I would rather have Russians distroing message traffic than a barracks thief in the company. And I definitely do not want Russians pulling WSC.
Other serious offenses
There are many serious offenses that require only moderate amounts of wall-to-wall counseling.
These are normally simple offenses, but are compounded by their circumstances. WaIl-to-wall counseling is demanded before these things get out of hand.
Failure to make coffee for the dayhos
A coffeeless dayho is a grouchy dayho, and grouchy dayhos tend to think of stupid shit for us to do. Any trick worker aware that the dayho coffeepot is empty who does not take steps to remedy this condition will immediately be hit in the head with dimension lumber. If they do it twice, they will be sent to ORMA for the next six months to make coffee and type memorandums which forbid trick workers to breathe.
Excessive errors on reports
Reporters who make excessive errors on their reports cause extra work for their QCs. All reporters who are found to have made more than three errors on a report will be hit on the side of the head with a base ball bat.
Snobbishness
Some soldiers believe that they are God’s gift to the Army. They believe that they do not need to do Army things, like going to formation and doing PT. Some are so bad, they think they are better than their superiors. This is especially bad when the soldier in question is a college graduate and the super-visor is a high school graduate. These soldiers believe their leaders are bone headed morons and will not listen to them. Others believe that the only measure of a soldier is whether that soldier has been to the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. The linguist-nonlinguist battle occasionally gets so bad that there are verbal abuses thrown around in several languages, none of them clean. What is the leader to do? The leader has no one to blame but himself if he does not use wall-to-wall counseling to correct this problem. A quick Jap slap will straighten out this bullshit before it gets any worse.
Determining when wall-to-wall counseling is inappropriate
Although an effective technique when properly used, there are some places where wall-to-wall counseling is the wrong thing to do.
Conducting a wall-to-wall counseling session in front of the 7th Army commander, for instance, would probably not be the wisest decision, as it would probably lead to the initiation of a relief for cause NCOER. However, the presence of high level VIPs should not be the only determinant in the decision to delay or withhold a wall-to-wall counseling session.
Soldier’s physical size
Always consider the size of the soldier before initiating a wall-to-wall counseling session. If the soldier is twice your size and his forearms are bigger than your thighs, and the soldier still requires wall-to-wall counseling, a partner will be required. Details on selecting a partner will be covered in the chapter titled “Preparing for a wall-to-wall counseling session.”
Soldier’s hobbies and interests
While leadership actions rarely require you to take into account the soldier’s hobbies, this is one place where knowledge of what the soldier does for fun may prove immensely helpful. If the soldier is heavily involved in kick boxing, martial arts or just happens to be the world heavyweight wrestling champion, a simple wall-to-wall counseling session may turn into a trip to the hospital for both the leader and his assistants. In such cases, restraint and discipline will prove profitable for all concerned.
Wall-to-wall counseling after drinking binges
Leadership actions should never be conducted while you are impaired by alcohol. Ass-beatings given after a six-pack have three drawbacks:
The soldier will not realize the purpose of the session. He will, instead, believe that you got wasted and beat the shit out of him for no reason whatsoever. You will lose respect m the soldier’s eyes as well as in the eyes of the rest of your unit. The soldier may decide to reciprocate and wall-to-wall counsel you at a later time on your transgression. Since wall-to-wall counseling is a tool only the wise leader who knows his troops intimately can properly use, its use by subordinates who may decide to rashly apply it is inadvisable.
The soldier may decide he has been assaulted and call the military police. Since the MPs take a dim view of leaders who get drunk off their asses and beat up on subordinates, you may find yourself facing a court-martial you never intended to face.
Perhaps most importantly, the leader may have gotten so drunk that the subordinate is able to turn the counseling session into a first-rate ass beating directed against the leader.
Since the hospital will treat your injuries as an “alcohol related incident,” they will call your commander (who may have never read this field manual) who will enroll you in the detox program. The detox program, especially if they put you on Track III (residential treatment facility) rates in the entertainment department right up there with getting checked for the clap.
When counselee is counselor’s sexual partner
In the section about conducting wall-to-wall counseling while under the influence of alcohol, we pointed out that the leader must know his troops intimately in order to effectively counsel them. When the leader knows the counselee too intimately, though, there are bound to be inherent problems with the session. First, you can safely figure that you will never again get into this lady’s pants after the session is done. Second, she will probably tell the commander what the two of you have been doing for the last six months, and then you will have some very heavy explaining to do. Third, but not least, she will tell every other female on post what you did, and then you will get no more pussy for the rest of the time you are stationed at that post…even in the red light district with a fifty dollar bill pinned to your jacket. Therefore, the best advice at this stage of the game is: don’t sleep with your subordinates.
Preparing for a wall-to-wall counseling session
More counseling sessions have been ruined by poor preparation than by anything else.
Wall-to-wall counseling is no different from any other counseling in this respect. However, wall-to-wall counseling imposes its own special considerations due to its violent nature.
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Dress for success–mean and lean
A leader must be properly dressed to gain the respect and confidence of his subordinates. A wall-to-wall counselor’s dress must also inspire confidence. The soldier must be very confident not only that he is going to get his ass beat, but that this man who is standing in front of him preparing to beat his ass is in fact the one who will do it. A military uniform is very much the wrong garment to wear to a waIl-to-wall counseling session, though. More radical dress is called for. A stop by a clothing store catering to members of the Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club is in order. Basically, you want to look like Attila the Hun. Full leathers are good for extra protection should the soldier attempt to fight back. Proper jewelry is important. Spiked wristlets not only enhance the terror you want to instill in the soldier, but if properly weighted can increase the pain and damage which a sidearm blow to the solar plexus can cause. Wearing a large Eric the Red biker’s ring will not only make you look tough, but the half pound of metal it contains will increase the effectiveness of punches. Wearing a Hell’s Angels’ deaths-head earring, though, isn’t such a good idea. Although it’s an intimidating item, the counselee may grab it and pull, and then you are in a world of hurt. If you plan to conduct many wall-to-wall counseling sessions, interesting in some large tattoos of Vikings beheading people with blood-covered swords would be a good idea. Additionally, the pain endured while they are being done will toughen you up and make you a more effective counselor. Watching films like The Road Warrior; The Last Boys and Conan the Barbarian will give you more apparel ideas.
Location
The room in which waIl-to-waIl counseling sessions are conducted has a great deal to do with the success of the session. Not only do you not want to be interrupted during the session, but you do not any large objects behind which the soldier can hide or which the soldier can push you into and hurt you.
Modern construction standards, in which large amounts of sheet rock are used, have changed the face of waIl-to-wall counseling. When was were built of plaster and lath, you could bounce the soldier off the walls a few times, kick him in the nuts once or twice, swat him in the head and that would be the end of it There were no worries that the room would survive the counseling session, because you knew that it would. However, you can easily throw a soldier through a sheet rock wall. The Army will make you pay for any walls you damage during counseling. Therefore, you want a large, strong room to conduct your wall-to-wall counseling sessions in.
Before calling the soldier in for his wall-to-wall counseling session, inspect the room thoroughly. Make sure the door is of good quality and is equipped with a working door lock. The lock is important not only to keep the session from being interrupted prior to its conclusion, but also to hinder the soldier’s leaving prior to having received the full impact of the lessons you are teaching him. Try to find a room without any windows.
If this cannot be attained, windows placed high on the wail are acceptable. Not only will the lack of windows prevent others from looking in and observing the wall-to-wall counseling session, but if the session gets really intense, the soldier could accidentally push you into the window, breaking it and injuring you. The purpose of a wall-to-waIl counseling session is to impart the maximum learning and pain upon the counselee with the least amount of damage to the counselor’s body, and a glass shard in your ass is a poor reason to prematurely terminate a session.
However, in a windowless room lighting takes on prime importance. You need to see the soldier so that you know where to hit him next, and the soldier needs to see you hitting him. Make sure the lights work and that the light switch is covered with a piece of green tape to prevent the soldier from easily turning the lights off.
Inform the soldier
After the area is selected and prepared, but before you dress for the session, find the soldier inform him of the time and place of the session. Also give a reason for the session. Don’t approach the soldier and tell him “You’re a fuck up and I’m going to beat your ass at 1530 in the first sergeant’s office.” This puts the soldier on the defensive. Instead, tell the soldier “Meet me in the first sergeant’s office at 1530. I want to talk to you about your performance at NTC last month.” (You can tell him that he’s a fuck up and is going to get his ass beat when he gets to the first sergeant’s office.)
Find counseling assistants
You usually want to conduct wall-to-wall counseling sessions on a one-to-one basis. This is fine you’re counseling a 120 pound basic trainee who doesn’t know shit anyway. If, however, you’re counseling the captain of the Fort Hood Boxing Team and you are a 135-pound woman, you may want to get two or three assistants.
It is simple to find them. Visit the gymnasium and go to the weight room. If you see someone is there putting many fifty-pound plates on a bar and then doing curls and 20 bench presses then you’ve found your man. It’s even better if he is in your unit and hasn’t yet been instigated in an assault case.
If you can’t find anyone like that, though, look for boxers, wrestler or anyone else who fights for fun. The ideal waIl-to-waII counselor has a six-foot reach, fists the size of volleyballs, can bench 35-pounds, runs ten miles a day and has over 20 knockouts.
If you can’t get Mike Tyson to assist you in your counseling session, though, anyone who maxs his PT test would be good too.
The wall-to-wall counselor’s toolkit
Although many successful wall-to-wall counselors have conducted sessions using nothing but their bare hands, a small toolkit will ease your job, especially in those critical first few sessions.
A wall-to-wall counseling toolkit does not have to be elaborate or expensive. In fact, you probably have all materials in your unit right now, and all that it takes to use them is a little imagination.
Baseball bats
No leader can consider himself a wall-to-wall counselor without possessing a good baseball bat technique. A regulation baseball or softball bat is good. Wood or aluminum, short or long, any bat will do as long as it is not splintered. A splintered bat may break during those long swings. Viewing the film The Untouchables will give you ideas on baseball bat technique. You can invent new techniques as you go along.
Dimension lumber
Although dimension lumber is usually used in the same manner as baseball bats, other techniques for its use are easily devised. A two-by-four is a handy thing to have. Cut two of them. One needs to be three feet long, while the other should be four to five feet long. Drive six nails into the longer one so that the sharp ends of them stick out of the board. This is nailed high on the wall of the counseling morn and is primarily there for shock effect.
If a baseball bat is also available, have your assistant grab the counselee’s arms and pull them be-hind his back. Place the board even with the elbows, pull the arms dawn to the body and secure with green tape. This prevents the soldier from attempting to assault his leader.
If two-by-twelves can be obtained, get one about six feet long. While it is not suitable for swinging, the counselee can be secured to it with green tape, lifted high in the air with the aid of your assistant and dropped.
Pool cues
Pool cues are quickly falling out of favor among the modern wall-to-waIl counselor. It is still effective for barroom brawls when the proprietor will not allow you to bring in your toolkit. It is also good for when immediate wall-to-wall counseling is called for and you can’t go out to your car to get a tire iron or a jack handle.
The pool cue sits in a strange and unenviable position among weapons: If held so that it can do some good, it is easily broken; if it is held so that it will not break during blows, it is not long enough to do much good. It is also more expensive than either a two-by-four or a baseball bat. In all, the baseball bat is a much more satisfying tool than the pool cue.
Restraints
Although wall-to-wall counseling is much more challenging and rewarding when a soldier is free to move and fight back, many counselors prefer the expediency of beating someone’s ass while he is tied up.
By taping the arms to the sides as detailed in the Dimension Lumber section, counseling may be accomplished quicker and with less hassle. Many items may be used for restraints; here we list but a few.
Handcuffs
Available at all police supply stores, handcuffs are an easy, effective way to restrain the counselee. Two pairs should be used if no assistant is available. One end of the cuffs is attached to the soldier, the other to a pipe or other support. The soldier may also be hand cuffed to an object by putting his hands behind the object and the cuffs snapped on from there. The new “cable-tie” style handcuff is a cost-effective and useful restraint. It is usually long enough to secure the feet and is available for mere pennies. Its only drawback is that it is only usable once; it must be cut off cut off after the session and thrown away.
Green tape
The Army standby, green tape, better known as hundred-mile-an-hour tape, is effective as a short-term restraint, providing the soldier is not strong enough to break it. It is available in several widths; the standard 2″ width is sufficient for most soldiers. The almost-unobtainable 6″ width is not good for wall-to-wall counseling due to its extreme width and liability to twist at the slightest provocation. It is also more expensive.
Ropes
Ropes are only marginally acceptable as restraints, but are good for tying the soldier to trees in the field and for dangling him from fire escapes by the ankles or wrists. If the counselor intends to hang the soldier from a fire escape, though, special care must be taken in the selection of the rope to insure that the weight of the soldier will not break the rope and cause him to land on his head and die. Army issue rappelling rope is the best obtainable wall-to-wall counseling rope due to its high strength and easy availability.
Conducting the wall-to-wall counseling session
Wall-to-wall counseling can be conducted in many ways.
For on-the-spot counseling, a quick swat across the back of the head with a closed fist or a slap in the face will probably be sufficient. For prolonged periods of misconduct by the soldier, prolonged periods of wall-to-wall counseling are in order. All wall-to-wall counseling sessions, though, are notable for their intensity and aggressiveness. The counselor should have a broad range of counseling methods available to him. He would be wise to study boxing manuals for additional suggestions. Enrolling in a martial arts class would also be a good idea, if he has the time to spare. In addition to improving counseling skills, the martial arts teach patience, discipline and self-control…all desirable traits for any leader.
Basic blows
The basic blows used in wall-to-wall counseling are the jab, hook, uppercut and knee to the nuts. These are also basic street fighting techniques
Jab
The jab is performed by pulling the closed fist back and striking the counselee with a generally straight motion. It is a quick and handy technique. Which will find much use in your daily counseling.
Hook
A hook is a sideways-curving stroke. It may be performed with either hand. It is best to know which hand the counselee prefers, so that you can use the same band to hit him with. In this manner, the danger of the counselee blocking your shot is greatly reduced. It is another blow which will prove itself worthy of inclusion in your counseling repertoire.
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Uppercut
Similar to the book, the uppercut is an upward-curving stroke. It is best used on the solar plexus and the jaw. If the counselee sticks his tongue out at you, the best cure is a swift upper-cut. If you are sufficiently forceful, you can succeed in clipping off the counselee’s tongue, and therefore prevent him from talking back, at least until they sew it back on. Although a good blow, the jab and hook are generally more useful and therefore should receive more of your training hours. However, the uppercut will find use in your sessions, and so you must be prepared to use it.
Knee in the nuts
Needless to say, this doesn’t work very well with female soldiers! However, most wall-to-wall counselees are male, and on them it is probably your most effective blow. Just flex the knee upward until it hits the balls. Alternately, if you can get your foot up that high, you can kick them in the balls with it. If you have performed this hard enough, the counselee will immediately drop to his knees. It will be the only blow you will need. If the soldier does not drop to his knees, you are counseling either an extremely flat and ugly woman or a eunuch. In neither case will this blow work, and in both cases you have just entered a world of shit.
Advanced blows
Advanced blows include the Jap slap, boot to the head and tool techniques. These are effective, but more-limited, counseling techniques.
Jap slap
Everyone has seen karate movies, How can the jap slap, which is performed by slapping the soldier on one side of the face and immediately following it with a backhand to the other side of the face, be considered an advanced move? Simple. Both blows must be of equal intensity to have the greatest effect. If one blow knocks the head out of the socket, the other must put it back in. The backhand is usually the most intense blow, and is performed last. It takes much practice to make them equal.
The ideal object to practice with is the heavy punching bag found in all Army gymnasiums. On any given day, you will find many wall-to-wall counselors practicing their Jap slaps against this bag, so you may need to wait in line. Rest assured that the wait is well worth it.
If your unit’s leaders embrace wall-to-wall counseling as a common leadership technique, you may be able to convince the Unit Fund Council to install its own heavy bag. If you are in an in an infantry unit or are in charge of many O5Ks, though, the sheer number of counselees will provide sufficient opportunity to practice and hone your technique. Still, there is no substitute for the heavy bag. Not even an 05K can rep lace it, though some of the new ones come dose.
Boot to the head
This is just what it sounds like…you kick the standing soldier in the side of the head with your foot. Whether you have a boot on will depend on the circumstances. If you are counseling a soldier during a field problem, you most definitely will have on a boot, and the extra mud caked in the sole will enhance the effectiveness of the blow. If, however, you find a soldier smoking grass in the barracks, you may not have a boot on, though you might want to go put one on. In fact, you might not have anything at all on. It’s obvious why this is an advanced blow: can you raise your foot six feet in the air without falling on your ass? Martial arts training is a definite asset to counselors employing this technique.
Tool techniques
These include baseball bat blows, dimension lumber work, and chains. They also include the use of restraints. They are easy to use but also require great discipline to ensure that the soldier survives the counseling. No directions will be given here. We leave that for the counselor to figure out for himself. Creativity is one of the hallmarks of a good leader.
Using these techniques
Wall-to-wall counseling is much like any other counseling.
You choose the place, inform the counselee, meet him there, counsel him until his problem is solved and conduct follow-up actions. In wall-to-wall counseling, though, how you determine when his problem is solved is when he screams for mercy. Then you hit him once or twice more to reinforce the counseling session and make sure the problem stays solved, and only then end the counseling session.
Determining how much wall-to-wall counseling is enough
The successful wall-to-wall counselor needs to be able to determine how much wall-to-wall counseling to give. A soldier who misses one formation can be sufficiently counseled by hitting them once in the back of the head. A soldier who missed every formation since he arrived at the unit two years ago, however, will require counseling with dimension lumber and a baseball bat. The counselor will quickly learn the proper amount of counseling to give.
Of course, if the soldier is a rapist, robber or murderer, just start your wall-to-wall counseling session and continue until the military police arrive.
Follow-up actions
No counseling is complete without follow-up actions. This is especially true in wall-to-wall counseling. Following up a wall-to-wall counseling session is covered in the chapters entitled “Triage” and “Legal problems.”
The counselor should be prepared to wash his hands of the whole matter, especially if the session drew blood. The counselor should, therefore, place a bar of Lava soap in the latrine prior to the session. Its gritty consistency will remove all traces of blood from your fingers, and it will help to dean off your baseball bat, too.
Triage
The soldier may need immediate medical attention following a wall-to-wall counseling session, especially if you used a baseball bat during it.
If the soldier is a true fuck up, broken bones, internal injuries and hemorrhaging may have occurred. Inspect the soldier to make sure he is still conscious, still breathing and does not appear to have any external damage or signs of internal damage (blood or cranial fluid leaking from the ears is generally a sign that the counseling session was a little too thorough). One of the three is generally sufficient. If the soldier can still move following the session, immediately restrict him to his room. If he is not breathing and will not obey a direct order to resume breathing, perform rescue breathing and then beat his ass some more after you revive him. If his heart stops, apply CPR and then recounsel him for inability to remain alive during a counseling session. Not hitting the soldier right over the heart or the top of the head may cut down on the frequency and severity of death among your counselees.
If the soldier beats your ass during counseling, though, there is little you can do. If you aren’t fucked up too badly, you can just lick you wounds and hope the bruises heal before your wife sees you. If you need to be ambulanced off to the hospital, though, you can tell the judge that the soldier hit you first. If the judge believes your integrity (and he should…after all you outrank the soldier who kicked your ass. If you don’t, you may be in deep kimchi…) you should be all right, especially if the soldier actually did hit you first If you hit the counselee first and he still beat you up, then you need to spend more time in the gym.
Legal problems
Some unenlightened legal personnel, including the MPs and JAG, may not have read this manual.
Therefore, they might not recognize the corrective nature of your actions and instead term them “brutal, heartless assault,” which is also true. The solution to this problem is preparedness: Requisition sufficient copies of this manual so that everyone on post that can legally fuck you over can have one. Once these people have read this manual, they will respect you for having made the wise and just decision to wall-to-wall counsel.
If, on the other hand, you are dumb or overanxious and hold a wall-to-wall counseling session without having made the proper preparations, you need to be prepared for the worst. Simply bring this manual to your court-martial. After the judge reads it, you are certain to be acquitted.
There is one very large proviso, though: if you have to bring the soldier back from the dead as a result of your wall-to-wall counseling session, however, you are up shit creek and have no paddle. If you succeed in killing the soldier and he stay dead no matter how strict your order to resume living is, then you way be certain that you are going to jail. In this case, you will not get fucked with too badly. Just inform all the inmates that you are in jail because you beat another man to death with your bare hands and no one will even think about touching or going near you. No one likes the idea of being the next in line.
Special circumstances
Wall-to-wall counseling is an effective leadership technique when it is properly applied.
Unfortunately, not every situation is the same. What works well in one instance way get you killed under other circumstances. We present some sample situations for your perusal and study.
Armed soldiers
Soldiers who are armed (for example, military police) with loaded weapons present special challenges and problems to the wall-to-wall counselor. The problem is the gun. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people” is a favorite slogan of the National Rifle Association. No shit. However, the gun is going to be used to kill you if you start beating on the soldier who has it. Therefore, the first step in this counseling session is to get the gun away from the soldier. If the soldier will voluntarily surrender his gun, he is a disciplined individual. He is also a stupid motherfucker. If the soldier is dumb enough to give you his gun, he deserves to have his ass beat. If the soldier is not dumb enough to give you his gun you will be forced to take it from him. The best things to use for this are larger guns and partners. Your partner can hold the soldier from behind in a full-nelson while you relieve the soldier of his lethal burden. If you have no partner, larger guns are handy. If the soldier carries a .38-caliber revolver, pull out a .45 auto. If the soldier has a .45, you need an M-16. If he has an M-16, you need an M-60 machine gun (If the soldier is the gunner on a Vulcan, Chaparral missile system or field artillery piece, you’re really fucked…) Once the soldier is free from things that can kill you, feel free to beat the living fuck out of him.
Lieutenants
Most lieutenants require daily wall-to-wall counseling for the first three years of their Army career. Unfortunately, the Army frowns on beating up lieutenants in your chain of command. In fact, it disapproves of beating up any lieutenants. Something about them outranking you. Therefore, the easiest solution is to find someone in another unit to come over in civilian clothes and counsel your lieutenant.
Dayhos
Dayhos a-re especially fun to wall-to-wall counsel because they act like they are God. In fact, God has decreed that we beat up dayhos whenever they fuck up. For some, this is two or three times a day. For others, it’s hourly. And then you have the dayhos who are really stupid mother fuckers. The only distinction you need to make is whether the dayho out ranks you. If he does not, feel free to beat the holy shit out of them. If they do on rank you, only counsel them once a day, whether they need it or not They usually do.
Civilians
The problem with wall-to-wall counseling civilians is that there are actually such a thing as civilian policemen, and they will actually throw you in a civilian jail where you will be immediately considered fresh meat and fucked right up the ass by some AIDS-infested Hell’s Angel, and then you will die. Therefore, it may be a good idea to bring the civilian on post, where civilian cops have no jurisdiction. Then you are more than welcome to work them over in any manner you like. A big secondary problem is that some civilians carry guns and/or do drugs. People carrying guns fall into two categories: those who are members of the police and those who are not. Those who are police are generally more disciplined but are better trained in the use of their guns. This means that they might not shoot at you but will definitely hit you if they do. Drug pushers, bank robbers, murderers and other common rabble will probably shoot at you but may not hit you. Unfortunately, some well-heeled cruds are buying black market submachine guns and carrying them under their jackets. These guns, whose ranks include the Uzi and the Ingram MAC-10, are equipped with large-capacity magazines and can pump out more lead per minute than an M-60 machine gun. When the criminal pulls one of these, he will use it to hose down targets of opportunity, which in this case means you.
If you feel the urge to wall-to-wall counsel a drug dealer, use a shotgun. It’s easier and faster. It does make a mess, but you can console yourself with the fact that you are helping to make America a safer place.
Wall-to-wall Career Counseling
Every leader has been through it. We all know the soldier who can’t seem to make up his mind as to what he wants to do with his life. One day he wants to be an Airborne Ranger. Two days later he wants to go to DLI to study Urdu. And the next week he wants to get out of the Army and grow marijuana in 0regon. What do you do? What can you say? This is what you do and what you say.
When the soldier makes the eighteenth decision on the same day, you take him behind the racks, grab his collar, slam him into a rack door, and yell in his face, “What the fuck are you doing? Make up your God-damned mind what you want to do! Now!” In those words, and at the top of your voice. Swat him twice across the head for GP and put him back to work. I can more than guarantee he will decide to stay in the Army within ten minutes and figure out what he wants to do within twenty minutes, especially if you inform him you are going to kick his ass some more in an hour if he does not.
Wall-to-wall child care and upbringing
There is no parent alive or dead who has not been faced with a child who wants to do nothing but cause his parents and everyone around him grief. From their incessant “Momma, can I have a puppy?” whine to the temper tantrums they throw when they’re not allowed to stay up to watch Behind the Green Door on the Playboy Channel at three in the morning, their entire life seems to be designed to piss off everyone around them. And the worst part is that they don’t learn when you spank them. In fact, some of the more incorrigible youths of today seem to become more rebellious when you spank them or ground them. And with the overcrowding in our prisons as bad as it is, having the police pick them up usually won’t help, as they’ll be released on their-own recognizance in an hour.
However, there is an easy, quick way to deal with your frustrations and anxieties caused by the upbringing of undisciplined little brats. Needless to say, it involves wall-to-wall counseling. First, leave this manual on the coffee table so that they can read it and learn what you will do to them the next time they fuck up. Then, next time they make even the slightest slip, let them have it with both barrels. Baseball bats, dimension lumber, hundred-mile-an-hour tape, bare fists, anything you can think of is good. The only thing you need to be aware of is that wall-to-wall counseling a child to death is quite a bit easier than with that private you hit in the privates this morning. So go a little easy on them But just a little.
“It shouldn’t hurt to be a child,” the AFN commercial admonishes. Well, it shouldn’t hurt to be a parent, either! After you wall-to-wall counsel your children two or three times, your life will become much easier. And if you counsel your little girl on top of the head enough times, her head will become flat, and she will be able to get a lot more boyfriends. So it works out better for everyone.
A sample wall-to-wall counseling session
The following is a true story. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
SGT Joe Snuffy was out with his friends across from a small Army base in a foreign country. After having a few beers, but not enough to cloud his judgment, he observed a soldier in the small restaurant he was in acting like a fool. The soldier was being obnoxious, yelling at the top of his lungs, embarrassing the women in the restaurant, and generally degrading the image of the Army. SGT Snuff decided to take action.
SGT Snuffy had SPC John Holmes summon the obnoxious soldier to come outside the restaurant for a simple talk. The soldier, SPC Jack Meoff, came outside in a very belligerent manner. SPC Meoff took off his jacket in a threatening manner and unprofessionally swore at SGT Snuffy. SPC Meoff was rip roaring drunk. He hit and pushed SGT Snuffy, SPC Holmes, and several of their friends. He even hit two of them with a plastic chair. SGT Snuffy took action. He wall-to-wall counseled SPC Meoff striking him with two punches. SPC Meoff fell to the ground. The MPs came and took the unrestrained SGT Snuff to the MP station in a squad car. SPC Meoff had to be cast into irons for his trip to the MP station.
Lessons learned by this wall-to-wall counseling session:
1) Never conduct a wall-to-wall counseling session when you are drunk, unless you have to.
2) Never conduct one in plain sight of the front gate of a military installation.
3) And, most importantly, when wall-to-wall counseling is called for, DO IT. 
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