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Sorry Excuse For an American that Hasn’t Blown Off Single Finger With Fireworks by BabylonBee.com

LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — As people across the nation prepared to celebrate the 4th of July holiday, one sorry excuse for an American revealed he had yet to blow off a single finger with fireworks.

Sources close to 39-year-old Ben Malick said that they were unable to confirm whether or not he was actually a citizen of the United States due to the fact that he had not lost any of his digits in a horrific fireworks accident.

“Can anyone with all 10 fingers really consider themselves an American?” asked one of his friends. “It just calls everything into question. I’ve known him most of my life, but I hadn’t taken the time to look at his fingers. Once I noticed that he’s not missing any, it really made me wonder just how ‘American’ he can be. No self-respecting American makes it through the 4th of July without losing a phalange or two.”

Malick remained adamant that he was as American as baseball and apple pie, despite having not lost a single finger to fireworks. “I promise I’m a real American, ok?” he protested. “I have a birth certificate. I’ve voted in every election since I turned 18. I’m a business owner, for crying out loud. Just because I enjoy fireworks responsibly and haven’t permanently maimed myself doesn’t mean I’m not an American.”

At publishing time, though family and friends remained skeptical, Malick said he intended to enjoy the Independence Day celebration with some fun fireworks — and hopefully come away unscathed once again.

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This July 4th, remember to honor veterans who lost limbs last July 4th Officials urge Americans to keep all limbs attached until at least July 5th by Adrian DeRyder

WASHINGTON — As the nation gears up for its annual fiery tribute to independence, the Department of Defense is urging a moment of somber reflection for a unique demographic of American heroes: those who, through a confluence of patriotism and questionable judgment, sacrificed their limbs during last year’s Fourth of July celebrations.

A new public service announcement, “Sparklers Are Not Sabers,” aims to remind citizens that the battlefield isn’t the only place where brave Americans can suffer life-altering injuries.

“We honor our combat veterans, and rightly so,” stated Brig. Gen. Alric “Ric” L. Francis, the Commandant of the United States Army Field Artillery School. “But let’s not forget the sheer, unadulterated dedication it takes to attempt to launch a fully loaded porta-potty with a string of M-80s into low earth orbit. That’s a different kind of bravery, or perhaps a different kind of brain damage.”

The general paused to take a sip of what appeared to be black coffee, though the steam rising from the mug suggested something closer to molten lead.

“The dedication to pushing the envelope while seeing how big a bang you can get from a consumer-grade explosive is inspiring, but it results in many calls for medevacs to the local urgent care clinics.”

The campaign aims to show the increasing pattern among combat veterans who survive numerous deployments abroad yet find their most significant challenge at home, at the backyard firework show. Emergency rooms across the country are reportedly activating “Red, White, and Booze” protocols with specialized surgical teams on standby, ready to reattach, or more often, regretfully inform.

“It’s about personal safety, people. Don’t end up like Toby Keith’s dumb ass dad,” implored Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael R. Weimer. “Don’t be the guy who gets liquored up and decides to launch a bottle rocket from your fourth point of contact just because you saw it on TikTok.”

Last year’s Fourth of July convention for operators was full of humorous events. In South Fork, Colorado, retired Sgt. Maj. Mike Vining, renowned for his demolition expertise, reportedly attempted to use a cluster of aerial mortars to ‘remodel’ an aging shed he considered an eyesore. The shed vanished in a flash of patriotic glory. He was later quoted as saying, “It was a controlled demolition.”

Meanwhile, at Fort Campbell, a group of combat arms soldiers, apparently feeling left out of the celebratory chaos, reportedly conducted a drive-by shooting with bottle rockets at Lt. Col. Matthew Schwind’s retirement ceremony. This occurred precisely as Schwind was exaggerating to the audience with tales of the perils of being shot at during his storied career as a logistics officer. No injuries were reported, but the incident did lead to a new general order regarding ‘unauthorized pyrotechnic salutes during officer farewells.’

Hospitals this year are reportedly stocking up not just on medical supplies, but also on comfort items such as “participation trophies” for veterans who demonstrate exceptional creativity in their self-inflicted injuries.

“We just want everyone to have a safe and enjoyable holiday,” concluded Brig. Gen. Francis, adjusting his perfectly knotted tie. “Some of these are truly legendary stories, like a guy trying to light a firework with a lit cigarette dangling from his lip while holding a beer in his other hand.”

As the country prepares to celebrate another year of freedom, the Department of Defense reminds all Americans to exercise caution, employ common sense, and perhaps, for those with a history of military service, consider leaving the pyrotechnics to the professionals. Your local Veterans Affairs office would prefer to see you on July 5th for your routine check-up, rather than for a new set of prosthetic fingers.

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“Aw shucks

I hope that I am not that bad

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“Aw shucks A Victory!

The Best Cartoon ever!

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“Aw shucks You have to be kidding, right!?!

LANDING WITHOUT POWER By Will Dabbs, MD

Becoming a father was the coolest thing I have ever done. Amidst a veritable sea of cool things, nothing else really comes close. When some deadbeat abandons his family, he’s the one who misses out the most. Never before have I worked so hard on something so satisfying.

The Army taught me how to fly, and I maintain a sexy cool little fighter plane today. My Vans RV-6A has enough space for two people and a little luggage. It cruises at 155 knots or around 178 miles per hour. I live in north central Mississippi. I can have breakfast at home and enjoy lunch in Chicago.

My wife doesn’t care for my adorable little plane. She christened the machine Tommyrot. I had to look that up. It is a British term meaning “foolish, silly, or ill-advised.”

The Setting

My plan was to fly up to Ohio where my son went to school, treat him and his girlfriend to lunch, and bring him back home for the Christmas holidays. The trip was about three hours each way. We could avoid the TSA and set our own schedule. The first crisis was the weather guessers.

The weather was crummy overnight but predicted to clear at 0800. Except that when I got to the airfield the weather still sucked. I stretched out on the couch in the hangar and took a nap.

By noon the weather was finally agreeable. No worries. I used to fly night vision goggles for Uncle Sam. I love flying at night. Now I’d fly up, we’d do dinner, and then we’d trek home enjoying the stars above the canopy. Life was good.

The Problem

The first leg was uneventful. It’s a simple plane without a lot of extraneous instrumentation. Everything operated as advertised. Dinner was sublime.

We took off headed south to a bit of a headwind. Maybe twenty minutes into the flight the radio and transponder spontaneously died. That was weird but not alarming. I turned them back on again. This happened maybe three times. Then the cockpit lights began to dim.

The circuit breakers were all good, and the engine instruments looked fine. However, the volt meter was a little low. The alternator was dead. I had likely been running off the battery all day, and it was only now letting me know.

Military pilots train incessantly to manage emergencies. You come to expect things to fail. However, it’s fundamentally different with your kid in the right seat.

An electrical failure in a small airplane really isn’t that big a deal. The engine doesn’t care. It has twin redundant engine-driven magnetos that will keep the prop turning no matter what. I navigated off of an iPad and could use my phone as a backup in a pinch. The problem was the radio.

We were in uncontrolled airspace. I didn’t need to talk to anybody. However, in the dark you must have an operational radio to turn on the runway lights on an unmanned airfield. That was actually a big deal. You can’t land a blacked-out plane in the dark if you cannot see the runway. I also had little interest in blasting into Memphis International in a doodlebug-sized airplane without radios. This would take a little pilotage.

Throughout it all, my son remained great company. We talked through the challenges as each arose. I shut everything down and made a beeline for Lexington, KY—the nearest airfield of any decent size. I keep a green lens flashlight in the plane, but naturally it was dead. I got lined up on final, fired up the radio, and clicked the mike seven times. To my relief, the runway lights burst to life.

I couldn’t see my flight instruments and had no landing light. Additionally, the flaps are electric so we landed really fast. In retrospect, we both honestly enjoyed the adventure. No lasting harm was done. Except that I had to call my wife and tell her we were in Kentucky and not Mississippi. I’m not sure she will ever forgive me for managing a total electrical failure in the dark with our son by my side.

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“Aw shucks The Green Machine This great Nation & Its People War

WWII Vets and historians will get this one!

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“Aw shucks

Somebody rang the Dinner Bell

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“Aw shucks War

Oops!

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ETHICS OR ELITISM? BY DAVE WORKMAN

DAVE MAKES THE MISTAKE OF SHOWING A GROUSE PHOTO

Dave posted this photo, which Insider readers have seen before,
to introduce himself to a group of grouse hunting devotees recently.
It ignited a lively debate because, well, he didn’t use a shotgun.

It was an innocent-enough mistake — well, not really a mistake; perhaps an error in polite judgment — but it provided an opportunity for some folks to examine their principles, and maybe their perspectives, on a question for which there may be no satisfactory answer.

This started with an invitation to join an online group devoted to grouse hunting. It’s one of my favorite early-fall activities. It was sheer coincidence the invitation somewhat coincided with my work on last week’s column about working on my classic Ruger Standard .22-caliber semi-auto pistol. I’ve killed grouse with this pistol, and with my much newer Ruger MKIV, and it was the posting of an image of me with the newer pistol and a dead grouse, to sort of introduce myself which ignited the fireworks.

Considering a handful of reactions, you’d have thought I punched the Pope. I sensed there might be a problem when one guy remarked, “Not how I would ever shoot a grouse short of being starving.” Ooookay!

Another fellow chimed in, “Shotgun & bird dog more sporting.” A third stated, “They would stand a chance if you let them fly.” A fourth gent sneered, “Try wing shooting them like a grown up.” If everyone agreed all of the time, I wouldn’t have anything to write about.

There were ample defenders of my plugging a fool hen with a handgun — dubbed “ground swatting” and it’s not a compliment — including the very diplomatic group administrator, who sagely observed, “It’s not my preferred method of harvesting them, nor do I believe I (or anyone else) am entitled to be condescending of your methods. We are all part of the hunting community. Congratulations on your successes with your preferred method of harvesting! Shoot straight & often in your upcoming season!”

In my defense, one guy wrote, “I’ve always enjoyed the holier-than-thou faction of the grouse hunting community.” Another observed, “Head shooting spooky grouse with a pistol is more of an accomplishment than with a rifle or shotgun on the wing.”

In all, more than 185 comments were generated, and it reminded me of my days as managing editor of a monthly publication about hunter education. Frequently, somebody would bring up “ethics,” and as one might guess, one person’s ethics sometimes turned out to be another guy’s definition of elitism.

In this case, I found myself up against some folks who religiously hunt over dogs, using shotguns, and anyone doing it differently is apparently … something less.

Elmer Did It, Too!

My guess is that the purist dog crowd never heard of Elmer Keith, whose name is hardly strange to American Handgunner and GUNS Magazine readers. Keith was the father of long-range handgunning, and his 600-yard shot on a wounded mule deer buck with a .44 Magnum is the stuff of legend. On page 126 of my revised 1961 edition of “Sixguns By Keith” is a photo of Elmer taken in 1932. He’s holding three dead blue grouse in his left hand and a Smith & Wesson .38/44 in his right.

During my online discussion with the grouse group, I and a couple of other people explained to the crowd how shooting grouse with handguns is completely legal and something of a tradition in western states, which seemed to surprise some of those folks. To prove it, I contacted wildlife agencies in Idaho, Montana, Colorado, Utah and Oregon. They all allow shooting grouse with rimfires, and it is safe to conclude birds taken in such a way are shot on the ground or sitting on a stump or tree limb.

Is it ethical? Here’s where the fun begins. Wingshooting purists don’t care for it, while everyone else seems to at least understand it or embrace it. Last year, I wrote an Insider column about using pistols for small game which seemed to have been read by many of my pals. It’s hardly a “lost art,” and it takes more than mediocre skill to maintain consistency.

Balance shooting a grouse off a tree limb with a pistol at 20-25 yards or farther against walking in on a bird holding tight to cover because of a good dog hovering close. When the unfortunate fowl finally explodes from cover, it will be facing a spreading payload of birdshot, as opposed to dodging a single projectile. Which is truly more “sporting?”

Yes, Dave does hunt fool hens with a shotgun.
Here’s proof he’s not a complete ogre.

What is ‘Fair Chase?’

People talk about “fair chase.” What is that, exactly? According to the Boone and Crockett Club, fair chase “is the ethical, sportsmanlike, and lawful pursuit and taking of any free-ranging wild game animal in a manner that does not give the hunter an improper or unfair advantage over the game animals.” Okay.

Straight from the B&C website come these tenets:
1. Obey all applicable laws and regulations.
2. Respect the customs of the locale where the hunting occurs.
3. Exercise a personal code of behavior that reflects favorably on your abilities and sensibilities as a hunter.
4. Attain and maintain the skills necessary to make the kill as certain and quick as possible.
5 .Behave in a way that will bring no dishonor to either the hunter, the hunted, or the environment.
6. Recognize that these tenets are intended to enhance the hunter’s experience of the relationship between predator and prey, which is one of the most fundamental relationships of humans and their environment.

Well, whaddaya know, items #1 and #2 apply directly to my situation, as well as #3 and #4. Evidently #5 is subject to some dispute (I’d suggest taking it up with Elmer!), and #6 seems open to personal judgment at the end of the day when the game bag may be full or not.

Here, again, sportsmen and women do not necessarily concur on the finer points. I know guys who have stalked game over considerable distances in order to get close enough for a clean, humane shot. Is that different than someone who may be on wide-open ground, and who takes an accurate shot at several hundred yards, using a rifle chambered for a long-range caliber?

Yet there are some in the outdoors with a “my way or the highway” approach. They tend to look down their noses at others who do things differently. This may be where “ethics” becomes “elitism.” Not everyone can afford a hunting dog, nor do they have the time or a home big enough, and neither can they afford a hunting lease.

Having hunted on public and private land, and a couple of times by invitation at a “hunting club” or “preserve,” I’m not sure there is a pat answer about fair chase, despite what B&C says. It’s not clear whether anyone at B&C ever hunted blue grouse, a bird of such remarkable stupidity at times that it will freeze in place or run along on the ground rather than take wing. Birds that dumb might deserve getting plugged by me, or Elmer.

Question: Is “fair chase” going without a professional guide? If you hire a guide, is that somehow less “fair” than hunting on your own? Maybe there is no correct answer, so we each do what, in our hearts, is the “right” thing; what you’d do if grandpa was watching. Maybe that’s ethics, and in some ways, it might be tinged with a bit of elitism.

And Then There’s This

My state’s wildlife agency encourages hunters to:

• Be considerate of non-hunters’ sensibilities and strive to leave them with positive images of hunting and hunters.
• Do not flaunt your harvested animals.

My reaction on social media was to be as considerate of non-hunters’ sensibilities as they are to mine (I’ve had people yell how they wished I’d get shot). I recall “big buck” contests held at local sporting goods stores in the days of my youth, when hunters were encouraged to show off their successes. There’s noting wrong with this. Yet nowadays hunters are encouraged to cover up their game, as if to hide what we do.

Back On Target

Last time I lamented one of my Ruger .22 pistols was shooting low and left. Practice pays off because a couple of hundred rounds has gone downrange since our last visit, and my pistol is back on track.

 

Dave’s classic Ruger appears ready to rock after return visits t
o the range. More than 40 shots went into this target from 15 yards.
Small game hunting ought to be fun this fall!

It still shoots a bit low, so all I’ve got to do is raise the front sight just a bit, or gently stone it down a bit. Windage seems to be fine — I didn’t do a thing to change it — so maybe I was just a bit rusty.

The great thing about practicing to shoot small game with a rimfire sidearm is being able to afford lots of ammunition and having the time to leisurely burn it up.

At some point, I may have to change my bullet weight from 40 to 36 grains, or simply switch brands of ammunition. I doubt there will be an effort to drift the rear sight slightly to the right (I’ve got a sight adjustment tool from Brownells for this purpose), but at least the equipment is at hand.

I was using different ammunition to punch the target in the accompanying image; 36-grain lead hollowpoints, where previously I was shooting 40-grain RNL ammunition.

Learn from my experience. Even with all the years I’ve had shooting handguns, my skills can suffer without regular range visits. You are no more or less prone to share the same experience at some point. Don’t throw in the towel, find out where the problem is and adjust accordingly.

Shoulda Known Better

You might think a fellow in his early 60s would know better than trying to break into a home, with a gun in his hand, especially in Missouri.

Recently, Fox News reported an incident in which an older guy — who probably should have been enjoying his senior years in a lounge chair or on a porch somewhere — entered a home in Missouri’s McDonald County. Only too late did this guy discover he had picked the wrong house. The residents were there, and both had guns of their own.

According to the narrative, the suspect in this caper fired at the homeowners. Probably to his surprise, they shot back. He missed, they didn’t. He wasn’t killed, just wounded in both legs. The homeowners held their unwelcome guest for the local sheriff’s department.

No News is Good News

Rasmussen is a seasoned polling firm, and their survey results are typically spot-on, so when they recently did a poll on media trustworthiness, it was worthy of attention.

Turns out 25% of likely voters don’t think the major news networks are reliable. Another 25% like Fox News, 13% favor CNN, while 12% trust MSNBC, Rasmussen noted. The “big three” are in single digits: NBC and ABC (7% apiece) and CBS (6%).

“Fifty-eight percent (58%) of voters believe the problem of bias in the news media is getting worse,” Rasmussen said, “compared to just 13% who think the problem is getting better. Twenty-six percent (26%) say the media bias problem is about the same as usual.”

 

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Chuck Norris – Merry Christmas EPIC SPLIT