Category: “Aw shucks
Categories
This says it all
Categories
Good point
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — As people across the nation prepared to celebrate the 4th of July holiday, one sorry excuse for an American revealed he had yet to blow off a single finger with fireworks.
Sources close to 39-year-old Ben Malick said that they were unable to confirm whether or not he was actually a citizen of the United States due to the fact that he had not lost any of his digits in a horrific fireworks accident.
“Can anyone with all 10 fingers really consider themselves an American?” asked one of his friends. “It just calls everything into question. I’ve known him most of my life, but I hadn’t taken the time to look at his fingers. Once I noticed that he’s not missing any, it really made me wonder just how ‘American’ he can be. No self-respecting American makes it through the 4th of July without losing a phalange or two.”
Malick remained adamant that he was as American as baseball and apple pie, despite having not lost a single finger to fireworks. “I promise I’m a real American, ok?” he protested. “I have a birth certificate. I’ve voted in every election since I turned 18. I’m a business owner, for crying out loud. Just because I enjoy fireworks responsibly and haven’t permanently maimed myself doesn’t mean I’m not an American.”
At publishing time, though family and friends remained skeptical, Malick said he intended to enjoy the Independence Day celebration with some fun fireworks — and hopefully come away unscathed once again.
WASHINGTON — As the nation gears up for its annual fiery tribute to independence, the Department of Defense is urging a moment of somber reflection for a unique demographic of American heroes: those who, through a confluence of patriotism and questionable judgment, sacrificed their limbs during last year’s Fourth of July celebrations.
A new public service announcement, “Sparklers Are Not Sabers,” aims to remind citizens that the battlefield isn’t the only place where brave Americans can suffer life-altering injuries.
“We honor our combat veterans, and rightly so,” stated Brig. Gen. Alric “Ric” L. Francis, the Commandant of the United States Army Field Artillery School. “But let’s not forget the sheer, unadulterated dedication it takes to attempt to launch a fully loaded porta-potty with a string of M-80s into low earth orbit. That’s a different kind of bravery, or perhaps a different kind of brain damage.”
The general paused to take a sip of what appeared to be black coffee, though the steam rising from the mug suggested something closer to molten lead.
“The dedication to pushing the envelope while seeing how big a bang you can get from a consumer-grade explosive is inspiring, but it results in many calls for medevacs to the local urgent care clinics.”
The campaign aims to show the increasing pattern among combat veterans who survive numerous deployments abroad yet find their most significant challenge at home, at the backyard firework show. Emergency rooms across the country are reportedly activating “Red, White, and Booze” protocols with specialized surgical teams on standby, ready to reattach, or more often, regretfully inform.
“It’s about personal safety, people. Don’t end up like Toby Keith’s dumb ass dad,” implored Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael R. Weimer. “Don’t be the guy who gets liquored up and decides to launch a bottle rocket from your fourth point of contact just because you saw it on TikTok.”
Last year’s Fourth of July convention for operators was full of humorous events. In South Fork, Colorado, retired Sgt. Maj. Mike Vining, renowned for his demolition expertise, reportedly attempted to use a cluster of aerial mortars to ‘remodel’ an aging shed he considered an eyesore. The shed vanished in a flash of patriotic glory. He was later quoted as saying, “It was a controlled demolition.”
Meanwhile, at Fort Campbell, a group of combat arms soldiers, apparently feeling left out of the celebratory chaos, reportedly conducted a drive-by shooting with bottle rockets at Lt. Col. Matthew Schwind’s retirement ceremony. This occurred precisely as Schwind was exaggerating to the audience with tales of the perils of being shot at during his storied career as a logistics officer. No injuries were reported, but the incident did lead to a new general order regarding ‘unauthorized pyrotechnic salutes during officer farewells.’
Hospitals this year are reportedly stocking up not just on medical supplies, but also on comfort items such as “participation trophies” for veterans who demonstrate exceptional creativity in their self-inflicted injuries.
“We just want everyone to have a safe and enjoyable holiday,” concluded Brig. Gen. Francis, adjusting his perfectly knotted tie. “Some of these are truly legendary stories, like a guy trying to light a firework with a lit cigarette dangling from his lip while holding a beer in his other hand.”
As the country prepares to celebrate another year of freedom, the Department of Defense reminds all Americans to exercise caution, employ common sense, and perhaps, for those with a history of military service, consider leaving the pyrotechnics to the professionals. Your local Veterans Affairs office would prefer to see you on July 5th for your routine check-up, rather than for a new set of prosthetic fingers.
Categories
I hope that I am not that bad
Categories
The Best Cartoon ever!
Becoming a father was the coolest thing I have ever done. Amidst a veritable sea of cool things, nothing else really comes close. When some deadbeat abandons his family, he’s the one who misses out the most. Never before have I worked so hard on something so satisfying.
The Army taught me how to fly, and I maintain a sexy cool little fighter plane today. My Vans RV-6A has enough space for two people and a little luggage. It cruises at 155 knots or around 178 miles per hour. I live in north central Mississippi. I can have breakfast at home and enjoy lunch in Chicago.
My wife doesn’t care for my adorable little plane. She christened the machine Tommyrot. I had to look that up. It is a British term meaning “foolish, silly, or ill-advised.”
The Setting
My plan was to fly up to Ohio where my son went to school, treat him and his girlfriend to lunch, and bring him back home for the Christmas holidays. The trip was about three hours each way. We could avoid the TSA and set our own schedule. The first crisis was the weather guessers.
The weather was crummy overnight but predicted to clear at 0800. Except that when I got to the airfield the weather still sucked. I stretched out on the couch in the hangar and took a nap.
By noon the weather was finally agreeable. No worries. I used to fly night vision goggles for Uncle Sam. I love flying at night. Now I’d fly up, we’d do dinner, and then we’d trek home enjoying the stars above the canopy. Life was good.
The Problem
The first leg was uneventful. It’s a simple plane without a lot of extraneous instrumentation. Everything operated as advertised. Dinner was sublime.
We took off headed south to a bit of a headwind. Maybe twenty minutes into the flight the radio and transponder spontaneously died. That was weird but not alarming. I turned them back on again. This happened maybe three times. Then the cockpit lights began to dim.
The circuit breakers were all good, and the engine instruments looked fine. However, the volt meter was a little low. The alternator was dead. I had likely been running off the battery all day, and it was only now letting me know.
Military pilots train incessantly to manage emergencies. You come to expect things to fail. However, it’s fundamentally different with your kid in the right seat.
An electrical failure in a small airplane really isn’t that big a deal. The engine doesn’t care. It has twin redundant engine-driven magnetos that will keep the prop turning no matter what. I navigated off of an iPad and could use my phone as a backup in a pinch. The problem was the radio.
We were in uncontrolled airspace. I didn’t need to talk to anybody. However, in the dark you must have an operational radio to turn on the runway lights on an unmanned airfield. That was actually a big deal. You can’t land a blacked-out plane in the dark if you cannot see the runway. I also had little interest in blasting into Memphis International in a doodlebug-sized airplane without radios. This would take a little pilotage.
Throughout it all, my son remained great company. We talked through the challenges as each arose. I shut everything down and made a beeline for Lexington, KY—the nearest airfield of any decent size. I keep a green lens flashlight in the plane, but naturally it was dead. I got lined up on final, fired up the radio, and clicked the mike seven times. To my relief, the runway lights burst to life.
I couldn’t see my flight instruments and had no landing light. Additionally, the flaps are electric so we landed really fast. In retrospect, we both honestly enjoyed the adventure. No lasting harm was done. Except that I had to call my wife and tell her we were in Kentucky and not Mississippi. I’m not sure she will ever forgive me for managing a total electrical failure in the dark with our son by my side.