You Will Shoot Your Eye Out

For years, English countryside farmer Arthur Vaughan fought a losing battle to protect his garden from swarms of hungry birds. He tried all the conventional techniques — scarecrows of all types, netting, mirrors, even plastic owls — with no success.

Finally, to his great joy and the chagrin of his bucolic Taunton neighbors, he found what works: machineguns, charging elephants and the screams of urban rioters.

Vaughan purchased a noise generator from a British electronics company, one which plays 25 different fowl-frightening sounds. Aside from warfare, looting and maddened pachyderms, he found songs by Bob “Bobcat” Geldorf and the sound of a cat being stomped quite effective.

“It does a marvelous job,” Vaughan said. “If you come and live in the country, you have to get used to the noise.”

His neighbors objected but preferred recordings of machinegun fire to the real thing.

Not My Job, Man

Clarence Notree never thought of himself as a hero In fact, the mild-mannered Chicago schoolteacher had never considered the possibility of facing gunfire on the job. But when a gunman burst into his elementary school gym and started spraying rounds, the 47-year-old thought only of his students, never of himself.

Pushing the children to safety, he stayed behind until all were accounted for, taking a bullet in the wrist for his heroism. Parents praised him. Tough cops were impressed with his cool selflessness under fire.

But when he applied for Worker’s Compensation benefits for his 20% disability, the Chicago Board of Education turned him down flat.

They said, I quote, “Saving children’s lives was not part of his job.”

Clarence appealed and won, but still, the CBE resisted. Finally, faced with overwhelming public disapproval of a position which intimated the teacher would have been more job-code conscious had he abandoned the kids and fled, they gave in and dropped their appeal of his $13,447 award.

Apparently, running away would have been more politically correct.

Battle Of (Dim) Wits

Bemused Tucson cops made arrests in a dueling case, and the biggest mystery was why there were live suspects to arrest.

Arizonans Tristan Rossum and Jonathan Brown, Jr., decided to settle a personal dispute by facing off at 10 paces and shooting it out. Both armed with 12-gauge shotguns, they must have set a new world non-record after firing three to seven rounds at each other. Neither was so much as scratched. Rossum and Brown were charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

“We don’t have a felony stupid rule yet,” observed Detective Warren Hock.

There’s a guy worth watching in Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine. We don’t know if he’s got a criminal bent or he’s just a tough-as-nails law-abiding citizen, but if he asks for your wallet, hand it over.

Mr. Toughguy was walking in a local park when he was attacked by a large German shepherd who had broken away from his master. The 37-year-old unidentified man grabbed the dog and bit it to death in front of his owner and a horrified crowd.