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SUBGUNS FOR MULBERRIES by COMMANDER GILMORE

AN UNCONVENTIONAL SOLUTION

 

For years, English countryside farmer Arthur Vaughan fought a losing battle to protect his garden from swarms of hungry birds. He tried all the conventional techniques — scarecrows of all types, netting, mirrors, even plastic owls — with no success.

Finally, to his great joy and the chagrin of his bucolic Taunton neighbors, he found what works: machineguns, charging elephants and the screams of urban rioters.

Vaughan purchased a noise generator from a British electronics company, one which plays 25 different fowl-frightening sounds. Aside from warfare, looting and maddened pachyderms, he found songs by Bob “Bobcat” Geldorf and the sound of a cat being stomped quite effective.

“It does a marvelous job,” Vaughan said. “If you come and live in the country, you have to get used to the noise.”

His neighbors objected but preferred recordings of machinegun fire to the real thing.

Not My Job, Man

Clarence Notree never thought of himself as a hero In fact, the mild-mannered Chicago schoolteacher had never considered the possibility of facing gunfire on the job. But when a gunman burst into his elementary school gym and started spraying rounds, the 47-year-old thought only of his students, never of himself.

Pushing the children to safety, he stayed behind until all were accounted for, taking a bullet in the wrist for his heroism. Parents praised him. Tough cops were impressed with his cool selflessness under fire.

But when he applied for Worker’s Compensation benefits for his 20% disability, the Chicago Board of Education turned him down flat.

They said, I quote, “Saving children’s lives was not part of his job.”

Clarence appealed and won, but still, the CBE resisted. Finally, faced with overwhelming public disapproval of a position which intimated the teacher would have been more job-code conscious had he abandoned the kids and fled, they gave in and dropped their appeal of his $13,447 award.

Apparently, running away would have been more politically correct.

Battle Of (Dim) Wits

Bemused Tucson cops made arrests in a dueling case, and the biggest mystery was why there were live suspects to arrest.

Arizonans Tristan Rossum and Jonathan Brown, Jr., decided to settle a personal dispute by facing off at 10 paces and shooting it out. Both armed with 12-gauge shotguns, they must have set a new world non-record after firing three to seven rounds at each other. Neither was so much as scratched. Rossum and Brown were charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

“We don’t have a felony stupid rule yet,” observed Detective Warren Hock.

Real Men Don’t Use Guns

There’s a guy worth watching in Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine. We don’t know if he’s got a criminal bent or he’s just a tough-as-nails law-abiding citizen, but if he asks for your wallet, hand it over.

Mr. Toughguy was walking in a local park when he was attacked by a large German shepherd who had broken away from his master. The 37-year-old unidentified man grabbed the dog and bit it to death in front of his owner and a horrified crowd.

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Karamojo Bell By Kyle Wright

My dad wasn’t loyal to any one rifle manufacturer. He shot them all, and he shot them well. At the tail end of his hunting career, though, he decided he liked Winchesters.

Come deer season, the first rifle out of his gun safe was a Winchester Model 70 Featherweight chambered in 7×57. After he passed away this spring, my brothers and I divvied up dad’s Winchesters. I wound up with the 7×57.

Designed by Paul Mauser of Mauser fame, the 7×57 traces its origins all the way back to the late 1800s. The Spanish Army was the first to take a chance on the new cartridge, and they loved it.

So much so that they awarded Mauser the Grand Cross of the Spanish Military Order of Merit for his efforts. The cartridge’s flat trajectory and ability to shoot heavier bullets, along with its mild recoil, endeared it to soldiers and sportsmen alike.

Along with the rifle, I also inherited a couple of boxes of my dad’s handloads, complete with notecards detailing each load’s particulars. He was getting great velocity out of his 7×57, shooting over 2,800 feet per second with a 140-grain bullet, all with that mild recoil.

That kind of performance is perfect for the whitetail that I hunt close to home here in Oklahoma, and I looked forward to carrying my dad’s rifle into the deer woods.

The Legend of the 7×57

But I make annual trips to the Oklahoma panhandle for mule deer and elk, too, and both of those species are significantly bigger than the whitetail close to home.

Even the whitetail in the panhandle can weigh 300 pounds on the hoof. I was fairly certain the 7×57 could handle the whitetail and mule deer, but I didn’t think I’d chance it for elk. Besides, I have rifles chambered in other calibers that are more suited to that task. No sense in asking a ball peen to do a sledgehammer’s work, right?

About the time I was having that thought, I was reading the biography of a hunter in Africa named Walter Dalrymple Maitland Bell, a man who carried a 7×57 not for whitetail or mule deer or elk, even, but for elephant. Here I was debating the cartridge’s effectiveness on mule deer, and Bell was using it on elephant. Never has my manhood been called more into question.

Also known as WDM, a better option than Walter Dalrymple Maitland, I’m sure we’d all agree, Bell was born in Scotland to wealthy parents and a life of privilege.

But he was destined for adventure. He was riding the high seas the year he became a teenager and hunting lions for the Uganda Railway by the time he could get a driver’s license. The gold rush sent him to North America and the Boer War brought him back to Africa, where, after the war ended, he finally heeded his life’s calling and became an ivory hunter.

In so doing, he earned himself another sobriquet, and it may well be the coolest nickname of all time: Karamojo Bell.

Karamojo Bell & The Bell Shot

Bell made a name for himself by regularly walking into a parade of elephants with nothing but his 7×57, a John Rigby and Co rifle, and shooting either the herd’s bull or its matriarch, and then, as cool as a cucumber, picking off the rest of the herd one by one as they ran circles in confusion.

Having made a habit of dissecting the elephants he killed so that he could study the structure of their skulls, Bell’s research led him to conclude that the surest way to dispatch an elephant was with an oblique shot from the rear, angling his bullet through the back of the neck and up into the brain.

Eventually, this became known as The Bell Shot. You know you’re a serious rifleman when the hunting world names a shot after you. The man killed over 1,000 elephants in his career, more than three fourths of them with the 7×57.

Bell’s calm in the midst of pachyderm panic, his prowess with a rifle, and his fondness for the sweet shooting 7×57, earned him a reputation as a larger-than-life adventurer, and rightfully so. He absolutely deserves every ounce of respect he’s been given for his exploits on the Dark Continent.

The man in me just wishes he had done it all with a different cartridge.