Category: A Victory!

Our great nation has seen some of the most extraordinary transformations of late. Today’s world bears little similarity to the one in which I came of age. In no place is this on more stark display than in our current obsession with gender nonconformity.

Obligatory disclaimer—legit and no kidding, I don’t care who you sleep with. You be you. I’m just sick of everyone incessantly prattling on about it.

In eons past, people were judged based upon what they accomplished. Produce some lovely art, topple a draconian government, save a bunch of kids from a house fire, or make cool movies, and society rightly venerated you as awesome. Somehow along the way, who or what you were snogging also got a vote.

Wandering about in public without clothes was considered a bad thing for, like, a zillion years right up until it wasn’t. Somewhere along the line, women parading about mostly naked became empowering, whatever that actually means. Nowadays you could likely shag roadkill, and Hollywood would be OK with it.

A Brave New World

All this overt gender-bending is a fairly recent development. Professional social justice warrior Barack Hussein Obama actually spoke out against gay marriage as recently as 2008. Apparently, he then had some sort of grand enlightenment that took him to a better, more tolerant place.

Back in 1994, the mad geniuses at the United States Air Force Research Laboratory were similarly narrow-minded. They spent $7.5 million over the course of six years developing a non-lethal weapon to make men think other men were hot. Respectable historians refer to this thing as the Gay Bomb.

Harnessing the Power of Science

Tragically, there had previously been no reliable scientific studies published on whether or not aerosolized pheromones might expeditiously make straight men gay. Axe body spray claims that a surreptitious squirt will make even skinny, ugly guys irresistible to the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. However, as a card-carrying skinny, ugly guy myself, I’m not completely sure that’s true.

A Swedish study imaged the brains of straight and gay men and then documented the empirical changes that occurred in response to certain distinctive odors.

It was found that homosexual men responded to smells in much the same way as did heterosexual women. Based upon the Swedes’ important groundbreaking work, the Wing Nuts at the USAF Wright Laboratory in Dayton got busy trying to make dudes dig other dudes.

The overarching goal was to produce an aerosol that would serve as a powerful aphrodisiac while simultaneously fomenting homosexual behavior. Perfect world, a quick spritz would cause enemy troops to become physically irresistible to each other.

Keep in mind, this was not Mengele and Co. back in 1943 at Auschwitz-Birkenau. Americans in lab coats were doing this while “Forrest Gump,” “True Lies,” “The Lion King,” and “Pulp Fiction” were still playing in the Cineplex.

Drilling Down

The report titled, “Harassing, Annoying and ‘Bad Guy’ Identifying Chemicals” stated, “Chemicals that effect (sic) human behavior so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely effected (sic). One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior.”

I suppose spell check wasn’t a thing back in 1994. Anyway, it was hoped that enemy soldiers might become so inflamed with lust for one another that they would lose interest in their military mission. It was an honorable goal, to be sure.

But There’s More …

The Gay Bomb was but a small portion of this most noble enterprise. These rocket surgeons researched spray-on chemicals that might induce fearsome bad breath, imbue folks with intolerable body odor, or precipitate explosive flatulence. They experimented with stuff to attract annoying or dangerous creatures to enemy positions and aerosols that stank so bad that they could be applied to enemy equipment and render it thusly unusable.

One of these wunderwaffe purported to make enemy troops averse to sunlight. Who knew that all you needed to become a vampire was a proper dose of special Air Force spray? They even dabbled in indelible paint that would cover enemy troops in garish colors. When combined with Gay Spray, that would transform any enemy fighting position into an instant Pride Parade.

I can only imagine what the clinical trials must have been like. At the end of the day, I’m just glad they didn’t let it get into the local water supply. Otherwise we might have become a nation of flamboyant, horny, gay, flatulent vampires. On second thought, maybe it did get into the water. That would actually explain quite a lot.