SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom has doubled down on California’s commitment to endangering public safety by issuing driver’s licenses to women.
No longer content with issuing commercial licenses to unqualified illegal immigrants who don’t speak English, Newsom reportedly decided to escalate matters by issuing licenses to the female population as well.
“What do you want to do, gatekeep driving?” Newsom asked during a press conference. “I promise that, as long as I’m governor, California will always uphold a woman’s right to bend as many fenders, curb as many tires, and smash as many side-view mirrors as she darn well wants. Everyone — and I mean literally everyone, even women — has a right to be handed a license and endanger the lives of pedestrians, bikers, and other drivers on California’s roads.”
Newsom’s decision to continue offering licenses to women has been hailed as a step towards equality by feminists across the country.
“That’s one small step for California, one giant leap for womankind,” said Gabby-Jean Louise, desperately trying to smooth out a bump in her fender before she had to leave for home. “It may cost a few innocent tires here and there, but keeping women on the roads is well worth it.”
Louise excused herself and reversed into a passing cyclist.
At publishing time, Newsom had finally crossed the line in endangering public safety after renewing his commitment to letting men wear long white socks with Birkenstocks.