Month: July 2025

CHICAGO — Chicago native Matthew Hayes reportedly defied all odds this week by not being shot.

Experts had expected Hayes to be shot no less than six times while going out for pizza, but he surprised everyone by coming away unscathed.

“Wow, I guess I’m totally fine,” said Hayes. “What a surprise.”

In 2025 alone, there have been over 600 shootings resulting in approximately 188 deaths. In light of these statistics, experts are convinced that Hayes must be some sort of superhero impervious to bullets like Superman. “Hayes is a statistical anomaly,” said Dr. Gerald Rammings, a statistician for the University of Chicago. “No one can survive Chicago.”

Hayes has previously said that a hot pie from Lou Malnati’s Pizzeria was worth dying for, but now that he’s alive, the pizza doesn’t seem to mean as much. “It was just too easy,” he said. “I feel like I cheated death.”

At publishing time, Matthew Hayes had been rushed to the hospital after being shot while going out for dessert.