By BYOBooyah
PENTAGON – On the heels of long conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, neither of which involved enemy sea power, the U.S. Navy is on the hunt for a new adversary. Multiple sources within the Department of Defense indicate that American warships may soon be setting their sights on the world’s dolphin population.
Though American forces rarely target animal species specifically, naval officers are trying to combat boredom within the ranks while they wait for China to attack Australia. They view dolphins as smart, fast, capable of adapting on the fly, and a species they would definitely consider starting some shit with just to see where it goes.
Despite these facts, dolphins were not the first choice for a potential adversary. The Navy’s original plan was to target giant squid, a traditional foe of sailors throughout history. However, they were unable to find any in the depths of the ocean. Marine Biologists say that is probably because giant squid populations are already very low and that the massive Kraken the Navy kept asking about is likely a myth.
“Without giant squid, the next logical target was definitely sharks,” stated Navy Chief of Staff Adm. Michael Gilday. “However, we all eventually agreed that sharks are honestly pretty fuckin’ sick so we focused on dolphins instead.”
The term “Dolphin” itself incorporates 40 extant species globally, predominantly concentrated in warmer climates. While none of these species has been openly hostile to US interests, they do give off very shifty vibes.
“They just seem super smug,” stated Adm. Sam Paparo, Commander of the Pacific Fleet. “Like, sure they can jump out of the water super high but if you’re so advanced why don’t you have thumbs?”
Officials did clarify however that this potential dolphin conflict does not include Orcas, referencing several Tik Tok videos about the species and stating that the Navy “don’t want that smoke.”
Marine biologists consider dolphins one of the most intelligent non-human species on the planet and one that would be difficult to target with conventional munitions. Experts, therefore, warn that if US forces remain intent on antagonizing dolphins they run a substantial risk of both fucking around and finding out.
Responding to rumors of growing inter-species animosity, PETA has come out strongly against dolphin violence. The typically rational organization has gone so far as to say they hope dolphins (which are one of the few species that have sex for pleasure) rape all humans.
At press time, tensions have reached a fever pitch as the aircraft carrier USS John F. Kennedy has taken significant damage and is listing from an underwater attack which dolphin leadership is claiming was the work of a rogue manatee and not a cause for war.