You Will Shoot Your Eye Out

Assault Critters

Handgun Control, Inc., should be proud of Dennis Amber. After all, the 45-year-old could have used a firearm to assault his girlfriend in her suburban Pittsburgh home. Instead, he used a 15 lb. snapping turtle, which he lugged to her house, then tried to persuade it to bite her.

The attack failed, possibly because Snappy’s full-auto sear was broken — or maybe Amber didn’t know how to work the “safety.” He was charged with assault anyway.

“Fire Superiority”

Los Angeles resident Ike Hudson might have considered the possibility of return fire when he pulled the trigger of his shotgun, but doubtless never dreamed — not in his worst nightmare — of the response he received. Now he’s suing for $339,875, claiming damage to his home, therapy costs, and a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Hudson says he was armed on the night of May 3, 1992, as the L.A. riots raged, because he feared another man who was trying to grab his girlfriend. When two Compton P.D. officers knocked, he fired a shotgun blast through his door, wounding both cops.

They didn’t have to call for back-up, though. Behind them were several more police officers, sheriff’s deputies, and U.S. Marines who saw Hudson’s muzzle flash and immediately returned fire, blasting the house with 185 rounds of small-arms fire.

Hudson’s lawyer, B. Kwaku Duren, says his client fired accidentally. If the jury believes that, they’ll probably thrown in an extra $5 for fresh underwear, too.

Disney Technique

In San Diego’s community of Normal Heights, frequently referred to as “Abnormal Heights” by residents, a stick-up man employed the “Disney Technique” of robbery with more success.

The suspect walked into a Pay Less drug store with a leashed Doberman and threatened the clerk with “imminent bite.” While Fido growled and drooled, the suspect filled a bag with cameras and other goods, then fled with his accomplice in a Chevrolet Monte Carlo.

Witnesses couldn’t say for sure if the Doberman was a Standard Sporting Canine of the dreaded “Assault Dobie,” which is known to be capable of rapid multiple bites.

Neither Senator Feinstein nor Senator Boxer were available to comment on whether or not this would lead to prohibitions against dogs with more than 10 teeth, or registration of dogs which are black, have military-style collars, and come equipped with a protruding “grip,” like the Doberman’s menacing-looking bobbed tail.

Certainly such animals have no legitimate sporting purpose, and enjoy no constitutional protection.

Regardless of the fallout from this incident, it is expected to simply fuel the already raging debate over concealable Schnauzers, said to be the “critter of choice” of terrorists and drug dealers.