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This great Nation & Its People Well I thought it was funny!

Duffel Blog’s tips on how to pretend you’re not having fun on Memorial Day Stop. Smiling.

By W.E. Linde

AMERICA — With Memorial Day right around the corner, many Americans are planning to both reflect upon the sacrifices made by those who have died while serving in the U.S. military, and to have a fun 3-day weekend. If you’re one of these, then rest assured there is a small but vocal group of people who would like to remind you that you are an inconsiderate piece of crap.

Memorial Day, after all, is a solemn occasion, as any number of social media posts stating that it’s not “Barbeque Remembrance Day” will remind you. And although the holiday is the unofficial start of summer, with all sorts of awesome, fun things happening on that weekend, if you so much as smile in a photo posted on Facebook and mention the words “Memorial Day,” you may open yourself up to stern correction. If you’re lucky, this could be as simple as a passive-aggressive comment (“Looks like you’re having fun, but I spent the day cleaning veteran headstones with my grandfather’s toothbrush he used during WWII”).

Or if you really screw up and say something like “Have a happy Memorial Day,” then you may very well unleash a dreaded video rant from your veteran buddy as he sits in his Ford 350 Super Duty pickup truck, wherein he opines just how nobody respects America anymore.

But no worries! Duffel Blog is here to help you honor the fallen and have a great time with your friends and family, with this guide of tips to pretend you’re not having fun.

Helpful Dos and Don’ts

  • Do only drink shitty beer. When someone asks you if you want, say, a Guinness, reply that Valhalla doesn’t serve Guinness and walk thoughtfully away.
  • Do make sure that when a conversation even peripherally touches on military service, adamantly tell people that you’re not a hero and the real heroes aren’t with us anymore, despite no one calling you a hero in the first place.
  • Do sandwich every photo you want to post online where you look even remotely amused in between photos of Arlington National Cemetery and memes about libtards dishonoring our honored dead.

Additionally, if you must smile, make sure you’re with another veteran. That way you can say you were reminiscing about Baghdad or something. If you’re at a barbeque and the subject of popular music comes up, say that the only thing you’ll listen to that weekend is Taps and God Bless the USA.

  • Don’t go to a water park. But if you must go, insist that no one bring a camera. There is no way in hell to look like you’re appreciating those who made the ultimate sacrifice while you’re rushing headlong down a water slide. What happens in Typhoon Bay stays in Typhoon Bay.
  • Don’t forget to share the meme that distinguishes between Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day. Not the respectful one that seeks to educate, but the one that tries to make anyone who even thought of thanking a veteran for her or his service on the last Monday of May feel like they just sold the nuclear codes to Vladimir Putin. When your social media contacts see that, they’ll be convinced that there is no joy in your heart.

Make sure you have a “go-to” mental image in case things get way too fun around you. It’s hard to laugh and generally disrespect the fallen when you’re imagining, say, a pile of dead puppies. It works for Kanye West and Amber Heard; it’ll work for you.

And above all, have a great holiday weeke… Shit.

W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic.  Twitter @welinde. Danger Close and Jake Slager contributed to this report.

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This would make a great gift for that Bad Boy / Girl that you really don’t like too much!

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Duffel Blog obtains top secret Russian military files

Russia’s military is apparently as leaky as SCOTUS

 

By Task Force Football Bat

Duffel Blog’s team of investigative journalists has obtained a trove of sensitive Russian military documents that contain everything from Russian battle plans to LOL emojis shared between now-deceased generals. These documents shed light on inside conversations at the highest levels of leadership in the country’s military over the course of the past few months.

Our team of translators has analyzed what appears to be the Russian military’s detailed pre-invasion battle plan — briefed to President Putin as he clung for life to a table. Both the original and our translation are below.

 

Our team also obtained more granular orders, apparently issued at the outset of the country’s latest incursion into a sovereign neighbor. One such order, translated below, gives insight into the Russians’ tactical prowess, which the world has feared for decades.

 

Of course, these early plans did not materialize as successfully as Putin and his team of generals had envisioned. Leaked text messages from a few days into the full-scale invasion begin to tell the tale, while also giving an idea of the deep empathy Russian officers have for the troops they lead.

Messages from the same chat roughly six weeks later give a sense of how the conflict has evolved.

With the conflict persisting longer than hoped, Putin and his team are turning to the country’s robust information operations capability, looking to highlight what they see as key threats in Ukraine to both justify their actions and call on the West to halt its support of the Ukrainians as they defend themselves.

An undated press release cuts to the chase in classic Russian fashion.

Duffel Blog is continuing to analyze and giggle at the large number of documents obtained.