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Duffel Blog’s tips on how to pretend you’re not having fun on Memorial Day Stop. Smiling.

By W.E. Linde

AMERICA — With Memorial Day right around the corner, many Americans are planning to both reflect upon the sacrifices made by those who have died while serving in the U.S. military, and to have a fun 3-day weekend. If you’re one of these, then rest assured there is a small but vocal group of people who would like to remind you that you are an inconsiderate piece of crap.

Memorial Day, after all, is a solemn occasion, as any number of social media posts stating that it’s not “Barbeque Remembrance Day” will remind you. And although the holiday is the unofficial start of summer, with all sorts of awesome, fun things happening on that weekend, if you so much as smile in a photo posted on Facebook and mention the words “Memorial Day,” you may open yourself up to stern correction. If you’re lucky, this could be as simple as a passive-aggressive comment (“Looks like you’re having fun, but I spent the day cleaning veteran headstones with my grandfather’s toothbrush he used during WWII”).

Or if you really screw up and say something like “Have a happy Memorial Day,” then you may very well unleash a dreaded video rant from your veteran buddy as he sits in his Ford 350 Super Duty pickup truck, wherein he opines just how nobody respects America anymore.

But no worries! Duffel Blog is here to help you honor the fallen and have a great time with your friends and family, with this guide of tips to pretend you’re not having fun.

Helpful Dos and Don’ts

  • Do only drink shitty beer. When someone asks you if you want, say, a Guinness, reply that Valhalla doesn’t serve Guinness and walk thoughtfully away.
  • Do make sure that when a conversation even peripherally touches on military service, adamantly tell people that you’re not a hero and the real heroes aren’t with us anymore, despite no one calling you a hero in the first place.
  • Do sandwich every photo you want to post online where you look even remotely amused in between photos of Arlington National Cemetery and memes about libtards dishonoring our honored dead.

Additionally, if you must smile, make sure you’re with another veteran. That way you can say you were reminiscing about Baghdad or something. If you’re at a barbeque and the subject of popular music comes up, say that the only thing you’ll listen to that weekend is Taps and God Bless the USA.

  • Don’t go to a water park. But if you must go, insist that no one bring a camera. There is no way in hell to look like you’re appreciating those who made the ultimate sacrifice while you’re rushing headlong down a water slide. What happens in Typhoon Bay stays in Typhoon Bay.
  • Don’t forget to share the meme that distinguishes between Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day. Not the respectful one that seeks to educate, but the one that tries to make anyone who even thought of thanking a veteran for her or his service on the last Monday of May feel like they just sold the nuclear codes to Vladimir Putin. When your social media contacts see that, they’ll be convinced that there is no joy in your heart.

Make sure you have a “go-to” mental image in case things get way too fun around you. It’s hard to laugh and generally disrespect the fallen when you’re imagining, say, a pile of dead puppies. It works for Kanye West and Amber Heard; it’ll work for you.

And above all, have a great holiday weeke… Shit.

W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic.  Twitter @welinde. Danger Close and Jake Slager contributed to this report.

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Remains of Korean War veteran finally come home after being MIA for 71 years

A Korean War veteran who went missing in action 71 years ago is finally coming back home to his final resting place.

The remains of Cpl. David B. Milano were brought back to the United States by members of the Utah National Guard and arrived at the Salt Lake City International Airport on April 26.

“Corporal Milano’s remains were returned to the United States as a result of a repatriation agreement between the U.S. and Korean governments,” according to his obituary. 

Korean War vet edit

Freeze frame of National Guard members receiving the remains of Cpl. David B. Milano on April 26, 2022. (Staff Sgt. Jordan Hack via Utah National Guard Public Affairs)

Milano went MIA during a battle in the vicinity of the Chosin Reservoir in North Korea on Dec. 2, 1950. He was ranked Private First Class when he went missing but was promoted to the grade of Corporal on May 1, 1953.

All of Milano’s remains were accounted for on April 14, 2020, and they were turned over to American service members to be returned home.

Korean-War-vet-edit1.jpg

Freeze frame of remains of Cpl. David B. Milano arriving to Salt Lake City International Airport on April 26, 2022. (Staff Sgt. Jordan Hack via Utah National Guard Public Affairs)

Milano was born in Chicago, Illinois, on Dec. 23, 1932, to Albert and Linda Milano, according to his obituary.

He enlisted in the United States Army on March 13, 1950, and was originally assigned to be deployed to Germany but was reassigned to serve in Korea.

“As a patriot and defender of freedom, he chose to accept his assignment to Korea,” his obituary read.

Korean-War-vet-edit2.jpg

Freeze frame of National Guard members receiving the remains of Cpl. David B. Milano on April 26, 2022. (Staff Sgt. Jordan Hack via Utah National Guard Public Affairs)

“We’re finally getting closure,” Milano’s nephew Kevin Jordan told FOX 13 News. 

“It’s a miracle, it’s unreal what we’ve all experienced,” Jordan added. “When we first got the news, it set in. And now, with the plane landing and the coffin coming off the plane, for me, that’s when it really hit me hard. I felt it. I felt it in my heart and in my soul. We were united again.”

This story was reported out of Los Angeles. 

 

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