This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will …
My rifle and I know that what counts in war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit …
My rifle is human, even as I [am human], because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will …
Before God, I swear this creed. My rifle and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.
So be it, until victory is America’s and there is no enemy, but peace!
Soldiers will learn how to wield a waffle iron as a weapon.
By As For Class
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army said today it would replace traditional combatives training with a new hand-to-hand combat program designed by Waffle House employees.
According to sources, top brass at the Pentagon have been impressed by the quick thinking and formidable fighting skills displayed by Waffle House staff during late-night brawls with inebriated patrons.
“These individuals have proven themselves to be experts in the field of close-quarters combat and we believe they have much to offer our troops,” said a Department of Defense spokesperson.
Under the new program, soldiers will learn vital hand-to-hand combat techniques such as “The Pancake Tuck and Roll,” “The Syrup Twister,” and the “Get THE f*&% Out of my Establishment” maneuver.
They will also be taught how to properly wield a waffle iron as a weapon and use syrup bottles as throwing projectiles.
Waffle House employees have recently become a hot commodity for military recruiters across the United States. Some have even been given waivers to enter as E4s so that they can fast-track into combative instructor positions.
“I never thought I’d be using my Waffle House experience in combat, but I’m ready to serve my country and flip some pancakes,” said one soldier directly recruited from a recent Waffle House position.
But not everyone is on board with the new training program. Critics argue that the skills taught by Waffle House employees are too dangerous for the modern battlefield.
“This is a ridiculous and dangerous idea,” said retired Gen. John Smoothwater. “Our soldiers need to be trained in real combat techniques, not how to flip a chair when it’s thrown at you. The odds of such an event even taking–oh, that really happened? And it happened in a Waffle House? Well. I’ll be damned.”
Others have raised concerns about the potential liability issues that may arise from soldiers using cast iron pans and Tabasco bottles as weapons of opportunity.
“If we teach them these things, it’s only a matter of time before these trade secrets enter the barracks–or worse, the civilian sector. Can you imagine Waffle House Dojos standing up in every major American city?” Trisha McZilla, a legal expert. “This is a recipe for disaster.”
Despite these criticisms, the Army is moving forward with the program since it will provide soldiers with the necessary skills to handle any situation, whether a battlefield or a Waffle House, the service said.
“The Army is confident that this new training program will give our troops the edge they need on the battlefield and ensure that the enemy never messes with our syrup again. We’re not just flipping waffles, we’re flipping the script on warfare,” said Marine Col. Porth Warker. “We’ll be the best-fed and best-trained military in the world. And let’s be real, there’s nothing more hostile than a Waffle House at 2am on a Saturday.”
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life.
Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
Signal: Tries to communicate with snake…fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice.
Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit.
In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.